Leaving the nest of childhood...intimidated by parents

[JynX]

Everyone comes to a point in their life when they are ready to leave the protective cocoon of childhood, go after what they want in their life, make the decisions they've previously been afraid to, and go out into the world. I'm realizing that while this occurs at different stages and times for everyone, for various reasons, I've come to that point myself. I also realize that change is sometimes a scary thing.

 

Very soon I will be turning 18, and at that point I'm moving away from my mother and her boyfriend. I know many of the older members will look at this as teenage rebellion and think it is foolish, but I have my reasons for wanting to leave. I won't go too much in depth, but my home life hasn't been very happy or fullfilling. I'm a straight A student in school, yet nothing I do satisfies my mother. She always expects more. She and I have never been close. She often says things that degrade me and make me feel worthless. I've gone through two divorces in the past seven years, and can't say that was the easiest thing. There's been abuse, both physical and emotional, from my mother. I never did anything about it or told anyone outside of the family, and maybe I should have. I suppose it makes little difference now. I don't like that I have to put up with her temper tantrums everytime she has a bad day, and I don't like suffering for them. I've reached the conclusion that I am not happy here...I would be better off away.

 

](*,) Coming to that conclusion was the easy part. The hard part is the follow-through. My plans are to live with my boyfriend and his parents...I have talked to them about this, and they said I was more than welcome. I will have a good roof over my head and be taken care of. I've mentioned my intentions to both my mother and her boyfriend, and I can't say they are very satisfied with my decision. They think I will drop out of school and become a failure, which is far from the truth. I'm a driven, motivated, and responsible person and I have goals I plan to reach...after all, I didn't make straight A's through highschool to chunk it all away at a whim Anyway, they keep saying how dissappointed they are in me, etc. How do you deal with that? Are all parents really that reluctant to watch their kids leave the nest and go out on their own?

 

I don't know the point of this post, I'm just very intimidated by them. I'm dreading the day when I come and tell them that I am leaving. I'm excited that I am. This is the first big decision I'll be making, and I suppose that is intimidating and scary on its own. Whoever said growing up was easy, though, right?

 

I think I needed to vent all of that out. I guess what I'm wondering is, if anyone out here has anything helpful to say...words of encouragement, opinions, etc. What was it like stepping out into the real world for the first time for you? Were you scared, excited, intimidated? Any words of advice?

[silky88]

i moved 3000 miles from home when i graduated high school at 17. i moved with a boyfriend, and it was very exciting. at first it felt like "playing house" but over time i developed the skills to make it on my own as an adult.

 

my mother very supportive of my move; i was moving for college, and i'd always been an A-student myself. i have always appreciated her faith in me and her support of my decision to strike out on my own so young; if she had wanted to, she could have stopped my from moving that year, since i didn't turn 18 until a couple of months into the school year.

 

your situation, however, is a bit different than mine. your mother is not supportive, and you will not be living "on your own," but with your bf's family.

 

maybe your mother is threatened by this, because she may feel that you prefer his family to your own. if you were moving out by yourself or just you and your boyfriend she might not feel so insecure about it, because it's normal for someone your age to want to take care of themselves and be without parents' rules.

 

but what you are doing, in effect, is trading her taking-care-of-you and her roof and her rules for those of another mother. it's easy to see how she might be a little put off by this at first.

 

i'd say the best thing to do is to go ahead with your plan, but keep in contact with your mother -- more so even than when you lived with her. show her that you are an adult now, and can relate to her as an adult, and reach out to her woman-to-woman.

 

i speak from experience when i say that no matter how poorly you get along with your parents, it's best to stay on good tems with them, because i estranged myself from my father for a while and he died suddenly before we'd regained the closeness that i would have liked. you never know when something like that will happen.

 

so move out, but get closer to her. she may be touched by your maturity, and she may stop nagging you and degrading you when she sees how well you are doing without her and she no longer has to feel responsible for you.

[robowarrior]

What you seek here is validation of your choice. And i can only say dam right you are for leaving the house and that woman behind you. For some people moving out of the house is the best move they have ever made.

 

It makes you feel insecure if everything that you do in life is condemned, normally if other people would say it ,no biggie but a mother is a role model which makes her opinion give a VERY hard impact , Because of that it counts more then the opinion of a stranger. Don't worry just go for Gold in your life.

 

It took me quite some time to realise, but you have to be like a castle gate, close yourself from bad people/things/events, even if it is your own mother, and open yourself to good people/things/events. I realised that negativity leads to nowhere and that the negativity that my father opposed on me was based on nothing or pre-judgement. I said to myself, 'if your not contributing anything in my life, if you don't support me, if you don't care nor back me up, then get the HELL out of my life' So either your mom supports you or you'd should say f off. I do this with all the people and things in my life, and it works. I mean, a flower cannot grow, if there's constantly someone stamping on the soil with their feet, now can there? That's why you need a positive environment to allow your abilities to flourish, work hard and be all you can be.

[JynX]

Thank you for the quick replies

 

 

i'd say the best thing to do is to go ahead with your plan, but keep in contact with your mother -- more so even than when you lived with her.

 

That is what I am afraid of. My mother is the type of person who shuts you out of her life when you go against her wishes. She's already told me this. The only thing I can expect from her after I move is nothing. She won't speak to me because she disapproves of my decision. She wont see me as her daughter anymore, just someone who disobeyed her. She told me the other day that she feels like she doesn't have a daughter...so what's to stop her from pretending she doesn't have one once I leave?

 

It hurts me to hear her say that, and to know that is what will happen. It hurts more to know now, a couple of months before all this happens, that I will be leaving on very bad terms with both her and her boyfriend. But I don't feel like I can stay here and play house just to keep peace between us...I would be depriving myself and living a lie.

[silky88]

maybe it's difficult for me to understand, because my mom was so good about my moving out (not that we've never had our problems) but i don't think it's beyond repair.

 

it sounds like she is being the child here, and you need to be the adult. just don't take that (the disowning talk) as an answer from her. move out. then call her frequently and write her letters telling her that you aren't doing this "against her" but "for yourself" and that you still love her, and want to remain close to her.

 

don't respond directly to her verbal assaults, just tell her that you're her daughter and so you love her. tell her that you need to do this for you. don't let her make it about her. make it about you.

 

and don't relent. leave messages if she refuses to pick up. no mother in her right mind could harbor a sustained rejection of her child's love for her... and if she doesn't soften in a year, well then maybe she ISN'T in her right mind. but don't let her push you away without a fight. chances are, some time will pass and she'll feel really stupid for acting so selfish.

[skyjuice]

Hi Jynx,

 

My ex mother is same like your mother. Would condemn things that are against her wishes. This controlling factor so powerful that he obey whatever she said, this include making him breaking up with me.

 

Anyway, I am very glad that you are stand firm on yourself. I hope the very best happens to you.

[JynX]

I really wish I had her approval...it seems I've been striving for it all my life, but I never have seemed to get it. Honestly, that is the realization I'm having the hardest time dealing with...that I don't have her approval in my life. But I suppose I have a couple of months to accept it.

 

It doesn't help that she doesn't approve of my boyfriend, either. Go figure He's in Chicago until Christmas with his dad, and my parents think he's up there for good. He was going to be, until he realized he wanted to be back home with me...so he's coming back. I can't tell my parents that he's coming back, because they're so happy that he's gone, and if they knew he was back, they'd never let me see him. So I suppose I'll just wait until I turn 18 and move. Her disapproval in him hurts me, too, because she's never met him, or made an effort to, yet she judges him very harshly. She doesn't know what kind of person he is, and worse, she doesnt trust my judgement in people to know if they posess good qualities or not.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I could related because I wasn't given a chance and I was rule out.

I felt that it was not fair. I felt that there is still something I have not settle with my ex. There is some part of me that I couldn't let go.

 

Seeking approval from your mother seems an ordeal. If she approve it, it would be great. However, just remember that you does not need other people to validate your self-worth. Keep on going because you are heading on the right direction.

[Momene]

I don't want to put a damper on this but what would your plans be if you split with your boyfriend? What would happen if you or he had an argument with his family?