Advice appreciated - how to stop from obsessing

[permasmile]

Ok first things first; a brief background:

 

- 27 year old male

- Got out of a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago

- Have dated a few girls since - have never had that "feeling" about any of them

 

I started dating a new girl a few weeks back. I knew her for a little while, although would only see her in passing but never really spoke with her. Though she was beautiful but never was motivated to get to know her since I was in a relationship at that point. Nonetheless, recently we started talking (we work together) and joking around and decided to go on a date. It went great.....her sense of humor is identical to mine. That is extremely important as I can be a sarcastic bastard and many of my jokes are based on subtle social observations which she understands. Also is well educated and shares similar values and goals. It is obvious that she shared these feelings. Anyhoo......

 

The problem lies in that I seem to be thinking about her WAY too much. I am a fairly confident guy.....I know I am attractive and I can make people laugh while holding a conversation. However, for whatever reason, I am analysing this thing to death. I analyze our text messages, emails, phone calls etc. If she doesn't call one night, I wonder why? I am constantly questioning what she thinks about me.....how does this shirt look? Was that joke out of line? Should I call her now? lol.....I realize it is so silly and counterproductive but I can't seem to get her, or more so how I am "doing" with her, out of my head. In reality this can be the worst possible thing since it could lead to me not being myself around her - and she became attracted to me without me trying to whoo or impress her in the first place. I would hate for this to affect the way I act around her.

 

The two main reasons I think I am reacting this way are:

 

1) I haven't felt this way in a long time. I have dated several girls since my breakup but never found a girl I clicked with like her. I am 100% over my breakup...that I know....but I also know that I am at a stage I would like to be in a relationship. As this girl is the first to present the qualities I look for, I guess I am focusing too much on the situation.

 

2) This girl is really independent...I think this is the bigger one. She comes from a wealthy family and admits she is spoiled rotten. She is used to going on great trips, being able to do what she wants etc. and through her experiences I think she has gained a lot of self confidence and ability to not rely on any one person. She is also very busy......has lots of commitments and a busy schedule. I am used to a girl chasing me more and making a strong effort to spend time with me. She certainly has done this to an extent, but the frequency of us "hanging out" is less as she has other commitments. This is a change for me.....yet I realize because of this side of her it is important for me to not come accross as needy.

 

Even writing this has been of some help. I realize I am making too big of a deal out of this and that I should just take things as they come. It is frustrating having it on my mind so much so I would love to hear any opinions or advice.

 

Thanks!

[Roasted Carrots]

I certainly agree with reason #1. You've been looking for exactly what you have with this girl, and maybe you're afraid you'll mess up. It sounds to me like your dates with her have certainly gone over well, and this could be the start of something wonderful.

 

Just realizing that you have been obsessing a little is good. It means you can curb it before you freak this girl out ;D

 

I think it's natural to anaylze something when you don't want anything to go wrong with this girl. Mrm, I guess the only real suggestion I have is to keep yourself busy so you don't have as much time to obsess.

 

Sorry I could not be of more help. Good luck to you.

[Grokker]

Right with you, mate. I'm going through almost exactly this. Out of a 6-year relationship since February, then met this great woman online... had a wonderful first date this Saturday... and since then, I can't keep my mind off her. Every email from her has been read over a dozen times, scanned for nuances of meaning... my inbox is refreshed twenty times a day... and every sent message re-opened and ransacked for something that might have given her the wrong idea to whatever infinitesimal degree. And I realize how counterproductive it is, because the person she was attracted to on Saturday night *wasn't* like this.

 

Maybe my perspective (being very similar to yours) isn't the best place to offer suggestions or advice from.

 

However, my gut feeling is that you and I both have an obsession problem that has more to do with reason #1. Yes, reason #2 applies in my case as well, with different details... my obsession is vastly more beautiful a woman than I ever thought could be attracted to me, extremely successful and well educated, and so on.

 

But I think whatever insecurity I'm feeling is not a product of looking at those things rationally and comparing them with myself objectively. It stems entirely from my inadequacy to control my emotions, which in turn stems from a maelstrom of emotion I haven't felt since the early days of my last relationship. The real fear is, if she can make me feel like this after one night of intense conversation and making out... she could crush me like a bug by losing interest the second I do anything "wrong" in my game. So the obsession and insecurity feed each other.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it, but it feels great knowing there's someone else out there feeling this way right now, and replying to your post. I imagine a good thing would be to seek the company of other people, preferably male friends with whom you have a lot more in common than a chick you've only just begun to know. And engage in some activity with them. The root of your obsession is yourself, and that's where you need to get out of... it's more to do with the image you've created of her in your mind, the power you've given that image over your life and emotions, than anything intrinsic to *her* specifically.

 

Just my thoughts.

[permasmile]

Thanks to both of you for replying

 

Grokker - it is refreshing to see someone else in a similar boat. Love this line: "it's more to do with the image you've created of her in your mind, the power you've given that image over your life and emotions, than anything intrinsic to *her* specifically."

 

From your post, I get the feeling that you don't consider yourself an insecure person by nature, but that this situation has made you feel that way. Well, at least that is the way I feel. As though I have put so much emphasis on this one aspect of my life and allowed it to have a certain form of control over me.

 

I am gonna try to stop with the obsessive details and take things in stride. It is important to keep things in perspective and realize that as great as she may be, she certainly doesn't deserve this much "airtime" in my mind as of yet lol. We all know that others who demonstrate obsessiveness or neediness come accross as unattractive - we don't want to fall in that boat.

 

Just gotta find a way to take a step back and see the big picture. Might work, might not - but it won't work for either of us if I continue this way. I'm confident enough to think I can get through this.