point of no return?

[Rivpt]

hello all,

 

i have posted here a few times before, but not as consistently as i should have...if you need to research my story feel free to search old threads, but my story is no different than anyone else's on this board.

 

here is my question:

 

at what point do you have to start admitting to yourself that you will never ever get over someone? personally, there is absolutely no reason for me to feel the way i do, but i still think about my ex every single day. sometimes it's b/c she still contacts me (a whole other story altogether, as i have told her several times not to) and other times it's just b/c i think about her before i go to bed and when i wake up in the morning b/c i miss having her in my life.

 

it has been a LONG time since the two of us were actually together, yet i still feel the way i do. i have had other girls want to be in relationships with me, but haven't been able to get any real feelings for any of them. i feel as though i am at a crossroads. i either have to 1. maybe suck up my pride, stop playing games, and come clean about my feelings with her at some point in the near future...and just put it out there for better or worse or 2. keep doing the best i can to not contact her, and possibly talk to a professional about techniques to get over someone and move on with a healthy mentality in life.

 

does anyone either have a similar experience or have some thoughts on this? anything would be greatly appreciated. i know deep down the reasons for all of this, it's because she was my first love and my longest relationship, and there wasn't a cut and dry "reason" why we broke up, we just grew apart during a LDR...but i'm 26 years old and just want to get back on track in my romantic life.

[heloladies21]

1. maybe suck up my pride, stop playing games, and come clean about my feelings with her at some point in the near future...and just put it out there for better or worse.

This is the answer right here bud, then you will be able to move on with no doubts as to her true intntions. And if she's not interested in you now, you have to assume that she will not change her mind.

[lizzie]

Interesting post. Yesterday I told my ex to "leave me alone" and am starting no contact. We were together for 2.5 years and have been broken up for 4 years. He immediately went to another girl and is still with her. He says they are in a commited relationship - (key word being SAYS), but it certainly does not appear that way. We have always maintained contact - primarily him contacting me - and have been involved sexually for about the last 3 years. I know this is wrong, but I'm like you. I can't get over him. I know he still has feelings for me, but I had to do something to change the situation and am willing to live with whatever the outcome. HE was very angry when I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore (explaining that it wasn't right being "the other woman") He has illuded to me all along that the relationship was limited and I let myself believe that it wasn't a real realtionship. He did not deny the relationship when I told him I didn't want to see him - in fact, he didn't say anything - you could see the anger on his face and he just left. At first I felt panic, but now feel better about things. (of course, at this point I feel that he will be back to me)

 

I hope I can be strong.

 

I understand where you are coming from. I have/had the same feelings. I'm angry at myself for "wasting" 4 years of my life on this, but have too been unable to get interested in someone else.

 

Your comment about "suck up my pride, stop playing games, and come clean about my feelings with her" is the way to go in my opinion. I have not been playing games, just been very "up" and loving. I feel like this bout of NC is somewhat a game, but I have to do it for my sanity.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah, in this case I don't feel that your bout of NC is a game. If you are having relations with your ex and he is seeing someone else then it shows that you both don't respect each others feelings and he is being unfair on his girlfriend and to you.

 

You should feel that you deserve the respect that he is not giving you, why should you feel that you need to be exclusive to him, when he says he's in a commited rels with someone else.

 

If he doesn't come back to you with a view to breaking up with his girlfriend and starting a fresh with you then I really believe that you need to move on and find someone better, who's 100% commited to you, out there.

 

Rivpt - if your ex isn't seeing anyone and you want to give it a go, why not contact her back and see if you can both at least establish a friendship? Did you ever talk about the break-up, what happened and whether you could be in contact in the future?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Riv - I suppose you'll know when its time to cut it all out. You'll get too tired of it all - or she will.

 

But the healing WON'T begin and you WON'T get over her until you are out of contact for quite some time. I think if its this tough for you now, it may be a good time to begin the NC thing and start the healing.

[Rivpt]

i know what you're both saying, and i think i know that is what i have to do...so that there is no more "mixed signals" thrown out there. the problems are:

 

1. i have given hints that i still think about things and possibly would be willing to try again if she were...without saying it straight up...and i don't exactly get great responses all of the time, just sometimes.

 

2. the pride factor. i mean, she was the one who ended things...and she was the first one out of the two of us to start seeing other people. why am i wasting my time and energy putting in the effort to get back together when she has had almost two years to want it herself? if she hasn't come to me after this long saying what i always hoped she'd say (i.e. i miss you, i want to try again, etc), then deep down i know the answer if i come straight out with my feelings. if she had second thoughts about "us" at any point in the past two years she would have said something right? so why put myself out there and let her break my heart for like the 5th time in my life?

 

i am kinda like you lizzie, whereas she says she just wants to be friends...but when she calls me she talks in the same tone and has the same mannerisms that she did when we were together. it really throws me off b/c i know for a fact she doesn't talk to anyone else that way. we were so close, and were such a major part of each others lives for so long...that i realize it is a comfort thing, but at the same time i really think it means we work great together and i just wish she would be the one to realize it without me trying to "trick her" into falling for me again. i really feel like if we were to ever get back together, it would have to be her pursueing me instead of the other way around. i have always been the one putting out the effort during our on/off times, she's never had to do it. sometimes i think she might be too stubborn to say anything even if she did have feelings for me.

 

the reason i think i know the answer if i come clean, is that when i told her that i didn't want her to call me anymore b/c i didnt want to be her friend...i just about said "i want to be with you, and you only want to be friends...so that means we can't do this anymore". and the only response i got was "if that is what you need then i guess i won't call you anymore". i think that is my answer right there. if there was ever a time for her to say something, that was it...i opened the door and she closed it. she still sends me texts and stuff, saying things like:

 

"i'm doing the best i can to respect your wishes, but it's hard for me not to talk to you"

 

"i'm watching this show, etc, and so and so reminds me of what you would do"

 

things like that. she's playing with my mind whether she knows it or not. honestly, i think i just need to meet ONE PERSON that i can get some feelings for and date, and i will be perfectly fine. but until i do that, ,my mind and heart are really stuck on her and it's killed me year after year after year. i try to pretend i'm past it, but there is no hiding from my own thoughts each and every night when i go to sleep.

[lizzie]

I'll ditto everything you just posted. My ex's friends and family all think he still cares for me. Some even think he is with the new girl only because he is afraid of commitment with me. I have tried half heartedly to do NC before. He can't stand it and I let him back in too soon with no boundries. That won't happen this time.

 

Our situations sound so much the same. How long were you together and how long have you been separated?

[Rivpt]

I am three years older than her. we started dating my senior year of college (her sophmore year), then i graduated and we stayed together all through her junior year (with me visiting every other weekend, almost 4 hours away)...we were still together all through the summer before her senior year and the start of her senior year, then things got sour around thanksgiving of her senior year. overall we were together for about 2.5 years, then had a limbo and on/off period for about another 8 months.

 

we have been "nothing" for probably about a year and a half, and during that whole time she went to grad school (2 hours away) and has one more semester to go. we've basically been separated the whole time she's been at grad school, although we've gone out and talked and kissed and stuff...she has never invited me to visit her there and she dated a guy for a few months this time last year at her grad school.