Lack of trust in my partner is killing my relationships

[musicguy]

Okay, here's the deal. Every relationship that I have been in I've always not trusted my significant other because I've been hurt and cheated on in the past..either that or I've been lead on or lied to by previous dates/relationships. I've been dumped and lost girlfriends because of this. It seems like whoever I'm dating, any guy that talks to them or hangs around them, I get upset and get worried that they are going to leave me for them. I do this ALL THE TIME, I end up making my significant other angry with me because of this. I have no idea how to get rid of this insecurity. It's really ruining my relationships and I don't want to keep on getting hurt because of jealousy and my stupidity. Please help! Thanks.

[krnswte143]

i went through same thing with my ex bf .

 

I had trust issues and jealousy. I was in a situation where i became this. He lived with an ex ( 13 yrs ago) but for some reason i became jealous n didnt trust him or her. and it got worse n worse.. everythin they did i always question them. they didnt do anything wrong but i couldnt take the situation good. so that is my reason why i had trust/jealous issues.

 

its a sickness i tell u. i started to snoop around and i was goign crazy!

 

no trust= no relationship.

 

to build trust. u need to learn to trust urself...

[rmpavlock]

Not sure if this will help at all, but when I start thinking like that I tell myself that if he's a good guy nothing will happen, and if he does cheat he's not worth worrying over. It helps if I start to get nervous or paranoid.

[krnswte143]

Not sure if this will help at all, but when I start thinking like that I tell myself that if he's a good guy nothing will happen, and if he does cheat he's not worth worrying over. It helps if I start to get nervous or paranoid.

 

i wish i thought about that too with my ex bf.. but my emotions took over and blinded everything.

[papalazarou]

It is VERY difficult.

 

My ex wife had an affair and because of this I have had to deal with my insecurity demons because I know that not everyone is like this.

 

But its like a cancer....it eats away at you bit by bit. If you let it.

[lizziebee]

can relate to the situation being made worse when you snoop becausse no matter what you find there is no one there but you and your head, ideas, creative thoughts! Bad very bad...I did it and my heart is paying for it....

[anonymous coward]

I can totally relate musicguy. When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I used to be really jealous and insecure. All guys who even looked at my girl were instant enemies, and every time she mentioned one of them, I'd get all worried and insane with jealousy. It's like I felt the need to keep all other guys far away from her, that I was in a constant battle to keep her devotion.

 

You should never be in battle for devotion... that ruins the point of being in a relationship in the first place. It should never be a struggle, but that's exactly what it sounds like you're in. That's no way to live, man.

 

I have some good, hard advice for you that really helped me out.

 

When you're with a girl, don't let yourself get *so* attached. Don't start thinking that she's the only one for you, or the only great girl you'll ever have and that if you lose her, your life may as well be over because, , she was the one, and now she's gone. Detach. Be independent. Love your girl, do everything you can for her, but don't let yourself obsess or be infatuated. In short, don't be so dependant on her for your happiness.

 

This sounds lame, but, be *cool* about it. If she talks to guys, be cool. You're detached. If she leaves you, it will suck. But you'll be fine, you weren't that attached anyway.

 

Believe it or not, most girls respect this in a guy. You've learned this. Your jealousy and attachment have pushed girls away before. Be happy to be alive whether you're in a relationship or not. Be happy to be on your own. Do great things. If a girl enhances your happiness, great. But no girl should ever be the sole source of your happiness. When that happens, then of course you'll be possessive as hell because losing her would mean losing your joy of life. If you're attached to the point you simply can't be without her, if things don't work out, or if some shmuck steals her from you, you'll feel alone, miserable, in the dark. Also, if some girl knows how dependent you are on her for your happiness, she may see it as a really significant weakness, and be less attracted to you for it, at least over time.

 

Don't go there, at least not until you promise your lives to each other in marriage. Then, some would say, the situation changes.

 

Keep your head up, bro.

[MissyM]

I find this strange, because my last partner cheated on me and hurt my significantly, yet I trust my current partner implicitly.

I think the way I wouldn't want him to be possessive over me, so "do unto others etc". I couldn't take someone questioning my every move and so in turn I wouldn't do it to someone else. It just ends in tears.