Whats his problem?

[Kirsten uk]

Hi everyone, I have never posted on any website like this before,but I came accross it and you all have such sensible advice. Anyway, I just wanted to ask for some opinions on my current situation if that ok

I have been with my boyfriend for just over seven years now and we have a little girl of 6. She wasnt planned and it happened by accident very quickly but we made the best of the situation (He is an amazing father). We bought our first home together pretty much straight away, and for the first couple of years I nagged him to propose. If I am honest it was more because I wanted him to ask me than because I wanted to get married if that makes any sense. I would have been happy with just the validation that our relationship was based on more than making the best of our situation. Anyhoo, eventually he did propose, kinda under duress if I'm honest, and as you can imagine it was an anti-climax. I knew his heart wasnt in it. A year or so down the line I gave him his ring back (not in anger) as I knew that it hadnt been given with the right intention. He agreed this was true and by then I was a little older, the hormones had calmed, and I was more confident in our relationship.

As time has gone on I would have expected him to propose properly, we have a fantastic relationship, have bought a second home, supported each other through career changes etc, all the hallmarks of a marriage without being married.

With now having two homes and a daughter the subject of legal issues should anything happen to one of us has come up. Now if I mention getting a Cohabitation agreement signed up he is all for it, happy to ensure there will be no problems with the house should anything happen. BUT if I mention marriage he is all "er, er will talk about it another time er er..." To me with our relationship the way it is, the only difference between a cohabitation agreement and marriage is that one is covering your * * * for when you split up and one is saying you want to be together forever and not split up (I know there are no guarantees in life but still, thats always the starting intention).

Recently a lot of friends have been getting engaged or married and it has still not prompted him to think about things differently. He has been asked to be best man at his best mates wedding next year, and he is tackling the job with vigour and enthusiasm! When I asked him if he had thought how I might feel about this he said it hadnt even occurred to him. I dont want to see him up there making a speech about how cracking someone elses relationship is when he cant find the words for ours.

When marriage has been discussed before the one thing we have both agreed on is that we would hate the big day, expense, family etc. We would both want to go away and do it very low key, so its not as if its the actual day that frightens him.

So the end result is I am feeling like I am not worthy of being his wife in the formal sense, despite being it in every other sense, and I sort of feel like I am being a ad example to my little girl in settling for a situation that doesnt make me feel happy and fulfilled. Any advice?

BTW I am 29 he is 34

[booberry]

I read somewhere online that women see marriage as the beginning of their married life, and men see marriage as the end of their single life. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee if he still thinks he's a bachelor. Someone needs to hit him in the head with pot, and, unfortunately, you're probably the worst person to do it. Boxing a guy in with stuff like this (as you have seen) just results in an arrangement neither of you are comfortable with. I'm not sure what you can do, but he definitely needs to wake up and be a man. ](*,)

[rms8]

Hmm that's a tough situation with no real good solution.

 

Maybe you could suggest flying out to Vegas and just getting married. Make it a real spur of the moment thing just to get it done and over with. Since you both aren't too thrilled with the idea of a wedding, this could be a suggestion he hadn't thought of before. There are no guarantees it'll work obviously but it might be worth a try.

 

And don't worry. You're not being a bad example for your daughter. If you two set the example of what a loving, healthy relationship is, she'll be just fine.

[Beec]

I would not go so far as saying he is not a man. He has clearly stepped up to the plate and done right, in almost every way. As of yet, he has not wanted to marry. I don't see this asa not being a man.

 

However, you've got something gone wrong, which I would have expected might have come sometime after you gave the first ring back.

 

How to draw him into a committment that he is scared of? Tough. If you give him a sell-by date, then you would need to mena it, should he not comply. You might consider beginning to build part of your life so it is designed to exclude him. If he asks why, tell him you cannot count on him, because he will not committ. In other words, you back away a bit, and see if he chases.

[Kirsten uk]

Yeah we thought about Vegas, but his Mum would be broken hearted if we did it without her. He isnt against the idea of "eloping" or doing it on the quiet, he just cant seem to get round to proposing!!

 

The relationship is loving and healthy for the most part, I just cant help these feelings of resentment that keep coming up, and then I make snidey comments. Just cant help it! I am so angry with him.

[Beec]

The anger and snide comments are not going to help motivate him to marry you. Have you leveled with him about how you feel? I probably would not do that, but I might make it known.

[Jayar]

It's a hard one because he obviously CLEARLY doesn't want to marry you. Why? Who knows! Maybe he doesn't want to marry anyone... Or maybe he knows he doesn't want to be with you any longer than perhaps your child still lives with you? Who knows. The fact is, I agree that the best solution to this is to pull away.

 

In an ideal situation you wouldn't have put him into a position where he's with you out of a sense of duty, and you would only have spent your life with a man who proposed to you out of love (without nagging, before a baby). Since you can't go back and undo what's done (and probably wouldn't want to, I'm sure your baby is adorable) you have to accept that HE may be in the relationship for reasons other than true love and desire, and may be making the best of it. I'm not saying he doesn't adore you and the baby and the life you have, and I think he's done an admirable job stepping up to the plate.

 

But the fact is, you both put yourselves into less than ideal circumstances. Maybe that's showing through in this respect? Good luck!

[MissyM]

Babe, I really sympathise!!! I've been with my bloke for 6 years and all my friends are getting married around me and he's showing no sings of asking me. I've mentioned it before and he says that he sees marriage and children in our future, but nothing has happened.

 

He took me to the jewellers over a year ago to get my finger sized, but again, nothing. It's so damn frustrating.

 

Unlike you, I have no kids and if there's a choice (which there is for me at the moment) I'd like to wait until I'm married, but again I don't want to miss the boat. I'm 27, so I've got time yet.

 

Everytime I hear another one of my friends announce they're getting married I cry. Partly out of happiness for them, but also out of sadness for myself.

 

what is a cohabitation agreement? I've never heard of that before.

[Kirsten uk]

Hi everyone, thanks for your kind words and advice. It has given me food for thought, and maybe if I'm honest confirmed what I already knew in my heart.

 

BTW- a cohabitation agreement is a legal document stating the legal owners of property held in a relationship, who would get what if we split, agreements over kids, stuff like that. It basically covers all the legal benefits of being married (not the tax benefits) without any of the romance!

[Kirsten uk]

Hello again everyone,

 

Following on from your kind words of advice (and lots of thought) I had a chat with my b/f with regards to how I was feeling, particularly relating to him "doing the right thing" and feeling as if he may be staying in the relationship mearly for our Daughters sake. Anyway the result of the conversation was that he told me I was being sillly, he did love me etc etc. I clearly left the ball in his court. In my own mind I set a deadline of Christmas for him to propose with strictly no other prompting from me now he knew the extent of my feeelings.

Anyway having just finished on the phone to him, he got the wrong end of the stick with something I said and went all weird on me. When I asked what it was all about he said "sorry I thought you were getting at something else" when I asked what he said "a round thing" (cant even bring himself to say the word!). I genuinely wasnt, because in my heart I really wanted him to do it without even a hint of nagging. I really thought it might happen as since our chat he has been extra loving & things have been as close to perfect as they could be....

Now my problem is that I have to smile through Christmas day knowing that there is no way he is going to propose and then face the task of telling him it is over (I want marriage & more children, he clearly doesnt so time to move on) I really cant face all the different aspects of splitting & the drama that goes with it but at the same time I know I cant stay and keep moving the deadline.... maybe new year....maybe Valentines.....maybe my birthday and on and on it goes!

 

So when & how do I tell him now I have made the decision. You kind words would be appreciated.

[Beec]

Look, the man loves you, he has been great since the chat, so accept that and enjoy it, and then end it sometime after Christmas day. How to smile through it, I cannot tell you, but try for your daughters sake. Don't make it tough on her. Personally, I think you doing this might motivate him, but I don't know either. He has never had to choose between you and marriage or single and without you. What happens if he decides that he wants marriage after you drop the bomb?

[Kirsten uk]

Well thats the thing, once I have dropped the bomb, thats it. If he did propose marriage after that it would feel just like the first time, like I had forced him into it. So its going to be a case of getting through Christmas and then doing the deed.

Thanks again all.

[_Jaffa_]

The problem is that you are already living happily together....maybe he just doesn't want to jinx it with marriage. Kind of an if it ain't broke don't fix it mentality. Why change something that doesn't really need changing? And do you really need a piece of paper to confirm his love for you?Isn't the fact that he says it enough?

 

But if you really want a marriage then maybe you have to risk the whole relationship and give him an ultimatum. It depends on how much you value what you have now with him and how much you value marriage. Which do you value the most?