Should I leave my wife?

[moonbeam111]

You may really benefit from going to link removed

[vermeered]

I asked my husband why he didn't leave me. He said although he gave up the idea of having intimacy with me, his other feelings with me are too strong for him to give up our marriage. He said if we decided to go separate ways, he would worry more about me than himself. The therapist told me that it is a huge challenge to bring back sparks to a marriage without intimacy for so long. I am lucky to have someone who loves me so dearly, but he deserves all the happiness in the world, if not from me, from someone else. I don't know if our marriage can be saved or should be saved, but we have to figure it out together. I am definitely no expert in how to figure it out, otherwise I won't be in this situation. However, I know one thing you should do-have a real conversation about your marriage with your wife. Without acknowledging the problems and your feelings, you're going nowhere. B is a distraction only not an answer to your problems. Please don't repeat my mistakes.

[northernlight]

You say you asked your husband why he does not leave you. Has he ever asked you that question, and if so what did you tell him?

 

In your posts there are times I swear I can almost hear echoes of both my wife's voice and my own.

[vermeered]

He never asked me the question but I told him that I thought about if I should stay in the marriage. I also told him that I really wanted to see if we should save the marriage, and it should be saved, I would do my whatever to make it work. I am very grateful for the love that my husband has for me. The one thing that I really want is to be able to return his love. However, he doesn't know about my affair. Knowing him, he would understand why I would have an affair and be willing to forgive, but it would also hurt him tremendously. I am still not being honest to him-the price of being a cheater.

[northernlight]

The therapist told me that it is a huge challenge to bring back sparks to a marriage without intimacy for so long.

 

Where do you even start?

[northernlight]

He never asked me the question but I told him that I thought about if I should stay in the marriage. I also told him that I really wanted to see if we should save the marriage, and it should be saved, I would do my whatever to make it work. I am very grateful for the love that my husband has for me. The one thing that I really want is to be able to return his love. However, he doesn't know about my affair. Knowing him, he would understand why I would have an affair and be willing to forgive, but it would also hurt him tremendously. I am still not being honest to him-the price of being a cheater.

I know I am probably not the best one to give advice but I would say do not tell him about the affair. What would be gained by it? Oh, you may feel better for being "honest" with him, but will that make him feel better? Somehow I doubt it.

 

As for me I will bear my own guilt and take my transgression to the grave. Of course it is altogether another matter if she were to find out about it on her own. Then of course I must not lie.

 

What do you think it is that holds you back from returning your husbands love? Is it the affair? You see I keep asking you questions because I keep hoping to hear in your answer some insight about my own wife. Forgive me if I pry too much.

[northernlight]

You can eliminate her with not contacting her and not seeing her if possible. If not than keeping your distance because it's about chemistry. Far from the eyes far from the hart.

 

Yeah that's the plan but it is not going to be easy. I live in a small town and it is only a matter of time before I run into her. I do have resolve but I fear that resolve may be insufficient when I see her face again.

 

The problem is I am so darn lonely for some intimacy in my life, that I don't even know if my feelings for B are just me grasping to fill the void. Worse still there are times when I do not care if my feelings for B are just my attempt to fill the void, so long as I can have a moment of intimacy. The despair does indeed overwhelm at times.

[vermeered]

Please ask as many questions as you want. I am glad if my mistakes can prevent others to make theirs. I think lack of intimacy is a big reason for me not being able to return his love. In stead of dealing with my problems, I simply accepted them. The longer that my husband and I avoided the problems, more we found it awkward for talking about them. Eventually we became companions sharing many thoughts and feelings except the most intimate parts. Romance was absent and I didn't find him exciting. I simply let my love for him die. My advice is to let your wife know how much it bothers you and how lonely and sad you are.

 

I know you're lonely, but a relationship outside your marriage will make you feel more lonely later. It's a relationship that you can't talk about. You can't expect or ask for anything because it is not supposed to exist. Yes, you may feel there the excitement and even hope, but your partner can leave you anytime with or without any reasons. You're vulnerable now, but wait till your affair is over, you'll be vulnerable and devastated. Yet, you have no right to complain about. My affair was over a few months ago, but I am still not over it because I am mourning for the loss of a relationship that shouldn't be there to begin with.

[northernlight]

The longer that my husband and I avoided the problems, more we found it awkward for talking about them. Eventually we became companions sharing many thoughts and feelings except the most intimate parts. Romance was absent and I didn't find him exciting. I simply let my love for him die

 

My wife and I share a similar experience to you. At first we tried talking about the sexual difficulties but nothing would ever really get resolved. Then the discussions became awkward and took place over ever increasing intervals. We continue to discuss and share our lives, thoughts and feelings, but actively avoid intimate subjects. We have become as you say, mere companions.

 

Romance, and intimacy have become such awkward subjects, the journey back seems so long and arduous. I do not even know where to start. I agree with you though that B will probably only add to the difficulties, and in the end solve little or nothing.

[mike_chppr]

I can sort of relate, but I'm way earlier in the schema.

 

My wife and I have basically had a sexless marriage for the first 4 years. I left for Iraq for 16 months and 70 days after being back she says she is not in love with me anymore, there is no chemistry and she is unsure if that chemistry will ever come back. I have groveled, walked on eggshells and pleaded for the contact and love that I expected from my spouse after being away for so long. We had many phone conversations along the lines of how she had changed and how I would be coming back toa new and improved wife. I did for about a week, then reality set in and we were back to square 1. Same sexless marriage, roomates compatible in every other area, just no physical contact except initiated by me. Which promptly gets rebuffed as it always has. I cannot play the victim here. I can't sleep in the same bed, so I moved into the extrabedroom today. She hasn't come home to find out yet, I don't want to be vindictive, I love her. She is unwilling to pursue couples counseling at this time as we do pursue individual counseling on our own with the recent "I'm not in love with you anymore" conversation." I just don't feel very married right now. I've even thought of taking off my wedding ring. Not to have an affair, but to symbolize that For better or worse! Baby this is as Worse as it gets! I really truly wish to work it out, but it does take two. I think in both of your situations, you should try a couples clinic as kind of a weekend getaway. or even do couples therapy. Despite being in the situation I'm in Reading the book Passionate Marriage by David Sarnuch was very enlightening.

 

 

I don't want a good roomate, or a best friend, I want both plus a lover.

[vermeered]

Does your wife want to save the marriage? If she isn't sure and needs to figure it out, then I guess you have to give her some time to do so. If later on, she decides to give the marriage a good try, she'll do the couple counseling. Here I am just thinking of what I'd do if I were her.

 

I agree with you that being best friends ar not enough in am marriage. If you love her, be as supportive as you can and help her sort it out.

 

Northenlight, did you send me a message? I didn't receive it.

[mike_chppr]

vermeered, there is tons more to this on the follwing threads

wife doesn't love me anymore

 

compulsive liar

 

I am trying to be supportive without groveling all over myself and feeling pitiful. Right now I'm sure she is leaning towards the doesn't catagory.

[vermeered]

Mike, I'm sorry about what you're going through. It takes two to make a relationship work. I guess your wife has to decide if she really wants to give it a try or not. If she loved you once, I hope she will remember that and be willing to find a way to fall in love with you again. Are you sure you want to move to another room? If I were her, I'd see it as a sign of giving up. It's really a big step closer to seperation. Are you ready for that? I am really no expert here, so I can only tell you from a woman's point of view.

[mike_chppr]

vermeered,

 

yes it is over. It all boiled down to she cannot trust me.

 

I sent an apology email to her parents, This seems hardly appropriate, but I don't know how to really truly let them know how sorry I really am. They are important people to me and they really helped me get through in Iraq.

 

I feel ashamed, relieved, angry depressed lonely and grieving all at the same time.

[northernlight]

I am a little confused here, perhaps due to my difficulty following the chronology through the different threads that you have posted on. My confusion is; are you and your wife separating, separated, or merely talking about it.

 

She goes into the bathroom and pees and then comes back to bed, lights out no pillowtalk, time for sleep.

 

not that I mind going to sleep after sex, There is just never the opportunity for more with the go to the bathroom routine.

 

She is the only one I have been with and I don't know if that is normal or not. i.e. to have to go to the bathroom everytime after sex. I read a book on female ejaculation and thought this might be it, but she is certain when she goes after sex it is in fact urine, don't mean to eleaborate so detailed like I said braindump.

 

The above in from one of your posts on another thread. Yes, her going pee is normal. What about if you when she does that get up yourself and engage her in some about whatever, as she comes out of the bathroom?

[mike_chppr]

northernlight, that was the historical stuff.

 

I did move into the other room. We are trying to get the stuff for the separation agreement. in VA we need to be separate for 6 months. We are getting a divorce.

 

We have both come to terms. and know it is over. Right now we are living in separate rooms trying to figure out how to do the separation thing financially. This is very hard to accept, but I know in my deepest of deeps that a romantic relationship is over. All I have left now is a friend.

 

At least I have that.