Should I be worried about the phone number

[shoebaby1]

I snooped into my ex's phone we are trying to work things out. He told me he wouldnt see anyone while seeing me but I saw some girls phone number in his phone book. It wasn't in the incoming or outgoing calls just in the phone book. Should I worry about this???

[Lion-Guy]

I wouldn't worry about it. I have tons of girls numbers in my phone. Some are clients, some are friends, some are old girl friends, some I have dated a few times, etc.

 

Just because he has their numbers doesn't mean he is calling them.

[friscodj]

Snooping and spying like that isn't a very trusting or honest habit to get into, whether it be with this guy or anyone else. I think the roots of that behavior should be addressed ASAP.

[shoebaby1]

OH MY GOD friscodj I know you are completely right! you know a bit about my situation and things have been going really really good with us but I can't stop trying to find things!!! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

 

He spends all his free time with me, he calls me all day!!!

[Massari]

I have girls numbers in phy phone from 4 years ago!!! I don't even call them !!!!NO WORRIES THEREEEEEE at allllll

[friscodj]

I think the bigger question is why you don't trust him? What has he done to warrant such behavior?

 

Whenever you feel the desire to snoop or spy, realize what you are doing and resist the urge. Believe that each time you snoop and spy like this, you are one step closer to making distrusting your partner, any partner, the norm...which is definitely not where you want to be.

 

That cell phone of his is like a crack pipe. It's calling you. And when you take a hit, you get paranoid, just like a crackhead. So send yourself to your own rehab and "just say no".

[MissyJ]

See i think, after just being cheated on myself, my ex had a new number in his phone and it turns out he had been cheating on me with this woman for quite a while.

 

And i also think you need to address the issue that you dont trust him... why did you spilt up in the first place.

[shoebaby1]

well he never gave me a reason to not trust me, but in past relationships I was cheated on so since then I don't trust any man...no man at all because thats what I have been taught, that all men lie and cheat. We broke up because of trust issues and also me having a terrible temper and blowing up all the time...things were getting tough for us.

[Lion-Guy]

well he never gave me a reason to not trust me, but in past relationships I was cheated on so since then I don't trust any man...no man at all because thats what I have been taught, that all men lie and cheat. We broke up because of trust issues and also me having a terrible temper and blowing up all the time...things were getting tough for us.

 

Well that explains a lot. You have baggage from these past relationships that needs to be addressed.

 

But just so you know and to give you hope, not all guys cheat. I have dated plenty of women and have never cheated on any of them when I was in a relationship.

[friscodj]

well he never gave me a reason to not trust me, but in past relationships I was cheated on so since then I don't trust any man...no man at all because thats what I have been taught, that all men lie and cheat. We broke up because of trust issues and also me having a terrible temper and blowing up all the time...things were getting tough for us.

 

WOW!

 

SB, you've got to turn this around or you can forget about having a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Let's look at this a little deeper here. One man treated you badly and you project this to all men? That makes absolutely no sense. Your thinking is completely baseless. You need to realize that and believe it.

 

And why do you think you blow up like you do?

 

You really remind me of someone I was close to recently...

[shoebaby1]

well every guy I was ever involved with cheated on me, my dad cheated on my mom, my sisters husband cheated on her before they got married..so I just feel that way. I am so scared that he will cheat or he is cheating on me I cannot enjoy the relationship..this really sucks I wish I could stop. I don't want to bring it up to him again because I don't want to chase him away or drive him to cheat!! HEEELLLPPP!

[Hope75]

The thing is, what has happened to you in your past has NOTHING to do with your boyfriend now, and that kind of attitude (one cheated so they all will) is exactly what is going to make your present bf leave you, and every other one until you realize that every man and every situation is different and deserves fair consideration- especially since your guy has been honest with you and has given you no reason to think otherwise. It's not fair or justified to make your present guy pay for the mistakes that other men have made in the past.

 

I was with a man who was abusive and whom cheated on me in my past, and we were together for 5 years. I was definitely gun shy around guys after this relationship ended, but this was a painful and difficult lesson that I had to learn (leave my baggage about my ex where it belongs, in the past, because it had nothing to do with my subsequent bf's).

 

I hope you can work through that and figure it out before it's too late.

 

(and no, I don't think the phone number is anything to worry about.)

[friscodj]

Oh, I see SB. This history is deeper than I thought and I am sorry to hear this history has impacted your life like this.

 

Well, just try to take baby steps with this...

 

Step one is realizing and believing that all men are not like this. Do you really feel this way?

 

You've got to try real hard to give your boyfriend a fair shake here and realize he himself, this one person, this individual person did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to live in the shadow of your past based on what other people have done.

 

Maybe just once a day, make one change in your behavior in the relationship based on these merits.

[shoebaby1]

I will try real hard. Please believe me that I do want to be happy but no matter what I always think of bad things happening or something (thats mainly why we broke up) I pick fights and things. Last night we argued over somthing petty and I was wondering why he was willing to let the fight go so easily and still spend time with me tonight. I keep thinking something is wrong. I think I need a pshychiatrist or something.

[friscodj]

Just keep trying and taking baby steps SB. You realize and understand what the problem is and that is huge. That is the basis you need to turn things around.

 

So take some deep breaths and realize the problems are coming from your past. That is OK. No need to feel guilty about that, we all have our issues. Just try to make little changes where you can and keep communicating with your boyfriend about the situation.

 

Talking to a pro would be a great idea for you I think. Is that option accessible to you? Are you willing to do that? I think that is the best thing you could ever do for yourself regarding this situation.

[Azual]

Hey SB... I know how you feel... I'm the same way. Past things playing on the current relationship and all...

 

I've found that if whenever you think something bad... turn that pain into productive energy or think of a happy memory between you two. I don't mean some random happy time, I mean a powerful memory that gets your emotions churning. Should help a little bit.

[shoebaby1]

so the phone number could be nothing? My mind won't let it go you guys.

[Azual]

If it was just in the phone book, don't worry about it

[friscodj]

so the phone number could be nothing? My mind won't let it go you guys.

 

Why do you think it would be something?

[shoebaby1]

^ because we aren't official and if I had trust issues when we were together you can only imagine whats going through my mind now!!!!

[friscodj]

^ because we aren't official and if I had trust issues when we were together you can only imagine whats going through my mind now!!!!

 

He said he wouldn't date anyone else while you were working things out. Try your best to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Snooping is not the way to do that!

 

Realize your past is causing these thoughts in your head and not this guy...

[shoebaby1]

you are right, thanks... I will keep you updated

[friscodj]

Hey SB-

 

I'm sorry if my advice seemed hard but you have to realize that turning things around is not going to be easy and it isn't going to feel "right" to you right away.

 

You're in this mindset of not trusting men having been hurt and seen so much hurt before in this respect. This is what has been established as "normal" for you and "normal" feels "comfortable" in many respects.

 

So I think in order to get out of this rut you are in with your thinking you need to get tough with this situation, do things and make changes that aren't easy. Hugs, kisses, sugar-coated problem descriptions, and feel-good words are good for some situations but not this one. This one requires a hard hat and jackhammer to get yourself to better places. You've got to do some real work here.

 

So keep arguing away illogical thoughts regarding your trust issues. When you keep chipping away at them like this, in time your perception of what is "normal" will change and things will get easier. So get cracking!

[shoebaby1]

God I hope it gets easier..

[friscodj]

Things will get easier.

 

I also think if you accept the situation and expect things to be really, really difficult, when things aren't really as difficult as you prepared for and do get easier, you outsmart the situation like this and feel even better.