Help, need support

[terk2021]

I have been posting here for about 3 months now. Some of you have read my story, but my fiance postponed our wedding 3 weeks prior to it. We bought a house 3 months prior, or should I say, I bought a house 3 months prior.

 

I had her move out 1 month after postponing the wedding. I had a backbone that day, but since, we have been going back and forth on getting back together. I have been making myself available, going back to her every time after she has requested a break and gone back on it.

 

I have ignored the advice I have received from friends and family, as well as from the experiences of many of you on this board. I miss her and love her so much, but I have ignored all of the bad, and only thought about the good.

 

No contact is the way I should have gone. I started to heal until the last time she came back. It's been as though she has had a manual that tells her every button to push on me.

 

Even today, I found myself texting her, telling how I missed her... I am going to tell myself tonight, that I am moving forward starting now. Tomorrow is a brand new day, and I need to go NC, and get back to being me. It's been hard because I am living in this house (which would really hurt financially to try and sell right now) that has memories...

 

Just need some support... Thank you.

[blush]

Have you recived a really good reason for the postponong of your wedding ?

[terk2021]

She was married before. Had been divorced for 2 years before we started going out. Had a 5 year old daughter. She says she was "scared" and not sure if she was ready to walk down the isle... But she was ready for me to buy her her dream house 3 months prior

[Princess777]

I feel for you... I too am going through the "alone" time in the house. It sucks. It's like you think to yourself, Is this really better than having the drama with them here, or not? You fool yourself... it's so confusing.

 

I'm with you.... I'm alone on a Friday night and he's out partying I'm sure, and probably thinking he can have me back whenever he wants.

 

The thing about pushing your buttons - if you can tell when she begins to push them, you can stop it. Hold up your hand and say "stop" and "I'm done with this conversation" and leave the room or hang up if you're on the phone. Tell her you need a time out or that you have something to do. Don't ALLOW her to push your buttons. Know that she's trying and don't let yourself escalate physically or mentally, because then she wins.

 

My husband knows my biggest buttons and has used them against me constantly. I've been trying to leave him for 3 years but I haven't been strong enough. Today I took some big steps. Now when he uses them against me, it barely phases me because I know he's doing it on purpose and being vindictive.

 

I'm probably not much help since I need help myself tonight. Good luck, and I hope you figure out what you need to do and what's best for yourself. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who feels so alone right now.

[cecerose]

I am going to tell myself tonight, that I am moving forward starting now. Tomorrow is a brand new day, and I need to go NC, and get back to being me. It's been hard because I am living in this house (which would really hurt financially to try and sell right now) that has memories...

 

Just need some support... Thank you.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds really hard and like you've been through the ringer and then some.

 

My BF just broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I'm in the process of starting up NC after some false starts. I emailed him yesterday and told him not to contact me or to respond to any emails that I sent. It was hard, but the right thing to do.

 

Sometimes the easiest way to do something is by going through the motions, from one day to the next, even if it doesn't feel right or awkward. It might also be helpful to focus on times you've experienced losses and how you eventually recovered. And, as time goes it, it will get easier to do.

 

Hang in there!

[blush]

[quote=terk2021; But she was ready for me to buy her her dream house 3 months prior

 

sounds a bit off to me, so i would go with the NC Thing, never let someone get to you, she hurt you from the beginning, she took away what was going to be one of those happiest days of your life away..........its up to you tho what you do!

 

But i wish you the very best and hope you work something out, good luck!

[terk2021]

thank you for the words of encouragement. Please keep them coming... I still have been unsuccessful about NC, because of personal matters still between us seperating things out... It's just so tough with the holidays coming up...

[vesper]

hi, we are here to support you! It can be difficult, the urge to pick up the phone and call everyday just to hear their voice...hang in there!!!

[terk2021]

It's the text messaging that's killing me... Hearing our song, or hearing from her friends that she misses me... She is just &^%#@$&^ in the head right now... Trying to talk pushes her away, they should come out with a NC pill that you could take every day... Can't just delete numbers and email addresses. After 1.5 years, have those memorized Just need to quit ignoring the bad, and just remembering the good.

 

I guess everyone deserves to get screwed over every once in a while. I used to be a jerk, so maybe I was being taught a lesson from the past???

[vesper]

hi I was wondering if you could explain why you guys broke up?? As I understand you were engaged but the wedding got called off and you are stuck with a house in so many words? Maybe you can explain it better?!??

 

x

[terk2021]

We found the house in January. I was skeptical about moving in prior to getting married. It was her "dream" house, she was my fiance. It was more than I wanted, but we were also moving in her 5 year old daughter, and it was a great place for our immediate family, and 1 or 2 more down the road (which we both agreed on we wanted).

 

Basically, her career started taking off at the time we moved, and were still wedding planning, and lets just say that priorities changed... Between work, wedding planning, raising a daughter with joint custody, she became way overwhelmed...

 

Ex came in and said get married or move out (part of divorce decree). After 3 weeks of pondering, she had not made a decision, and kept it from me for 3 weeks as to moving out of the house, or getting married. We missed the big wedding we both wanted (she chose place/date/bridesmaids...), said let's get married on honeymoon or smaller ceremony. Was not sure "when" she wanted to get married... Made the decision to move out for her

 

I have been told wise decision, but have felt miserable since. Was not right, and I understood her exes point. He agreed we could get house because we were getting married in 3 months... He's a good father, and I hold no resentment towards him...

[terk2021]

Problem is since she has been out of the house, she has been working to figure out what's "important" in life. It's been me off and on during our breaks over the past few months. Right now, I am not a priority...

[blush]

If it was me, i'd still go with the NC thing, if she calls you up to apogize then take small steps to fix it,but if she don't call you up at all then, oviosuly you ani't one bit impotant in her life / not one of her priorties, i know its hard to be working, raising a young child, doing your best to care for her, and trying to keep your emotions in tacked infornt of people / her daughter, is hard at times but thats what having someone to be there for you is for, when times get rough they are there for a sholder to cry on and tell you everything is alright no matter what!

 

Thats the way i'd kinda look at it, but like I said thats my option, and it might help you or not, best of luck and I hope it works out for you the way you want it to be!

 

Blush

[jules12234]

Terk

 

Don't really have any words of wisedom, but I feel for you. You deserve to be a priority and it is horrible when you are not.

 

YOu need to make yourself a priority. I would not have anything to do unless she decides you are.

 

Good luck.

[cecerose]

It's the text messaging that's killing me... Can't just delete numbers and email addresses.

 

I guess everyone deserves to get screwed over every once in a while. I used to be a jerk, so maybe I was being taught a lesson from the past???

 

Just go ahead and delete the numbers and email addresses on your computer and phone. If it helps, write it down, put it in an envelope and just put it way.

 

My theory is that "getting screwed" (I'm not sure I'd use that phrase) is part of life -- it's not bad, it's not good, it simply is. You may or may not have done anything to "deserve it". If you get hit by a bus, is it your fault or was it fate? It depends. Maybe.

 

If learning from what happened helps you through the experience, then go for it. (Probably not a bad idea.)

 

I deleted all our emails, phone numbers and just kept it one place. It helps, I don't sit there re-reading and re-living our time together. (Most of which was good.)

 

For me, it's been three weeks and I've managed not to call and have told him not to contact me.

 

Keep moving, it'll get better.

[L.J.]

Terk,

For personal matters, you're not successful in maintaining NC. It's hard on you. Are you in the process of settling these personal matters so you can be successful?

 

It's hard to come home to the house and you can't sell it for financial reason. For your own sanity, would it be possible to rent it out temporarily, live with friends or family until you're emotionally stronger to deal with it later on? If this is not possible, do you think finding a housemate, maybe a male friend with different taste of music from yours help distract the good and bad memories?

 

Just some thoughts.

 

She has been working on figuring out what is "important" since she moved out. You have to do the same. "YOU" and "YOUR HEALTH" is the most important right now. Don't let anything convince you otherwise. Take care, I'm with you.

[terk2021]

Thanks LJ. Constant reminders are horrible to deal with. Just checked the mail tonight and got the Mr. & Mrs. invite in the mail for a Christmas party...

 

WHY WHY WHY It's actually been a few good days away from the house. Feeling sorry for myself will not win her back, nor will giving in each time she breaks NC. I just wish sometimes I could get better signs from the Man upstairs... I am actually doing better after my work trip. As for breaking NC, still not so good...

 

I think I am getting stronger though, just continue to have setbacks, but I think I bounce back from each one quicker. It's a start...

[Princess777]

terk, I know what you mean about the constant reminders. My husband has been gone for a couple weeks I guess and only took some of his clothes. I just keep seeing his stuff everywhere and it's amazing how much material things affect me and I'm not a materialistic person. If I know he touched it or used it a lot, it hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. Or if he gets mail, like you said.

 

I, too am struggling with the NC because I know I do not have any other choice but to move on. (He is addicted to crack and I told him I can't live with that in my life) So I know, whatever it takes, I can't go back with him. And I have cried my eyes out every day since he left. Getting up in the morning is monumental in itself. Believe me I understand how it seems there is no way to move forward and you're just stuck in this deep hole of hell. You constantly ask yourself, "why are they doing this to me" and it seems no one understands your pain and just keeps saying, "move on".

 

It's not that easy. When you love someone you can't stop loving them at the drop of a hat. Some things that have helped me might help you so I thought I'd pass them on:

Buy a journal and write in it when you feel stressed or sad, or when you want to call or text her. I like to write in mine before I go to bed, and rate my day. That way I can always look back to see how I've progressed. I made a list of reasons NOT to contact him in the journal and take it out when I feel desperate. We all know that when we're in that hopeless state of need that we can't think clearly, so it might seem silly but it helps get your mind back into reality. It's also better than telling yourself at the end of the day, Damn, I wish I hadn't called them.

 

I also wrote in it all the bad things he did to me that I tend to forget about when I'm needy. I don't know what all transpired between the two of you, but write down everything bad about her, including how bad she hurt you, and be descriptive.

 

Do positive affirmations. Say the serenity prayer each morning or a similar positive phrase to yourself over and over. Whatever you want to achieve. It helps start the day out better. And if you're like me, you don't even want to get up and start the day at all.

 

Give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed. It's okay to cry or go in the bathroom and just splash some water on your face during your normal routine. You've been through so much and were left with everything to deal with. Take some deep breaths. Do you work out? I'm told it's a great way to help get over someone - get in shape to get your self confidence up. I need to do this.

 

I don't know if you've thought of this, but it sounds like she may have realized that you were a rebound relationship and she is not ready for it. I know that doesn't help any with your pain, but it might help with some kind of closure for you, if that is indeed the case. If that is true, it's unfortunate that you had to bear the pain and the brunt of that decision, however, if so, keep in mind it's better to know now than if she would have figured this out AFTER you were married.

 

That's probably not much consolation but I wanted you to know I understand some of your pain. Even though our situations are different, I wanted to try to help some.

 

I wish you luck. Take care.