College experience gone wrong...

[bdub02]

I'm in my junior year of college and college has been the worst time of my life. I have absolutely no friends. I haven't had a girlfriend either. I realize its my fault because I chose to live at home and commute to school rather than go off and have the traditional dorm experience where lifelong friendships emerge. Being that its a local school, I also have the barrier of still well formed high school cliques. When you are dealing with groups that have been together since kindergarten, its very hard to penetrate that. Its even worse now than it was when I started school, because most college friendships have already formed. Considering I'm not a partier, and even if I was I couldn't drink having to drive the distance I do back home, ive come to the conclusion that making friends at this point is impossible.

 

After having a similar high school life where I sat at home all the time and didn't have any friends (back then it was because of my parents' strict rules), I thought college would allow me to make the friends I always wanted. Other people who had a similar high school situation as mine raved about how great college was and how much easier it was to find your niche. I had high hopes for this time of my life. I was so wrong. I am feeling so hopeless and suicide crosses my mind daily. After having such a terrible high school and even worse college life, what else is there to have hope about? I've been screwed out of 8 hopeful years of my life. I'm so lonely i dont know how i can go on. Somebody give me advice. Thanks.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If it isn't working, change it.

 

But first...a lot of people, in UK and USA, seem to have this idea that when they go to college/university it'll be brilliant, they'll stay in halls of residence and have a grand old time.

 

To both upset and reassure you...it's a myth. The rate of depression cases in students and the testimony of my newly-at-college friends is proof. So you are not alone, by a LONG way.

 

It's got to the point where I don't plan to really invest in the social side of college. I plan to be nice to people, but I'm not setting myself up for failuire and disappointment...it's going to be all about my degree.

 

Practical Advice...this is the best list I can give you.

 

1) Your job/working life is what the rest of your life can give you.

2) Life's short. If you are really unhappy at college, transfer, or leave.

3) Get a college counsellor on your side.

4) See if you can get yourself involved in extra curricular activities, it may make those cliques easier to penetrate.

5) Remember that most people are as churned up inside as you. Don't fear them.

[jengh]

I agree with AntiLove... going away to school, living in a dorm... neither of those things guarantee you'll have an amazing college experience. I didn't. I wound up coming home part-way through my second semester because I was depressed and miserable.

College is what you make of it, I realized that... you're the only one who can do anything about it.

I also agree with the finding an extra-curricular activity.. I don't know what you're majoring in, but could you find a club or organization that has people with similar interests?

Sitting at home moping about things isn't going to make things better. You need to GO OUT and DO something. Having a good time doesn't mean you have to go and drink until you vomit. There are coffee houses and such. Does your school have any type of IM sports?

Don't give up.. don't stay at home and feel sorry for yourself. DO SOMETHING about it. For me, it took changing schools.. I actually have LOTS of friends who I love dearly, a wonderful boyfriend...

Just keep trying...have you considered transferring?

[Beec]

bdub02,

 

Welcome to enotalone. The response above about if you don't like it change it, that's just correct.

 

However, how is the real question for you isn't it? Let's begin with some simple skills and some reading. First off, start greeting people, greet almost everyone you meet. If you see someone, look at them in the eye, and say "Good Morning", "Good afternoon", even Hello or Hi will do, say it to the person at the cash regaister, say it to a waiter, a person you pass inthe hall at school, everyone you can. Smile, look at them, say good morning. Expect nothing from them and most of the time they will say the same and nothing more. Soon though, some of them will want to talk.

 

There are many books on two subjects you should learn, better social skills and body langauge. One the first, the Bible is Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" read it as it suggest it should be read. Don't stop there, keep reading more books on that kind of topic. You can only make slight improvements at a time. So, you need to keep going.

 

Also, next read up on Body Language, get yours saying what you want it to say, read what other people are telling you.

[Cadence308]

I know what it feels like to be lonely and think about ending your life. It sounds like you are stuck in your situation because your college isn't much different from high school. There are many places to meet new friends besides just school. Do you ever visit or study at coffee shops? I've met some of my acquantances there. Joining a gym or sports team is a great way to meet people. Just taking a class doing something you love or find enjoyable whether the class is at school or some kind of lifelong learning class. You are allowing yourself to be swept up into your old ways of thinking and doing things. I think it may be good for you to open yourself up and try something that you've always wanted to do.

 

Also, have you thought about talking to someone professionally about the way you are feeling? All colleges and universities offer free or reduced counseling services to students. I love seeing my counselor (first 4 sessions every semester are free and after that it's $10 a session). It's a time when I feel like I'm not judged and I can share my feelings and experiences and get outside feedback. I feel like I still don't have great social support in my life and my therapist has been helping me with that. It's definitely something to look into since you have been feeling so bad.

[second_opinion]

I agree with antilove!

[saint_saul]

I've been in that situation before, so I know at least partially what you are experiencing. My best advice is this: get out of the house. Even if you are not the partier and commute to campus, there are a number of other ways you can involve yourself socially -- with or without college. If you're not in to drinking/worried about the commute back, see if your college has clubs, recreational sports, or academic-focused opportunities, like tutoring, discussions, so on. Don't be worried about imposing onto any of these activities, because more likely than not, the people you meet will be glad to get to know you. If you're not interested in any of those opportunities, check out the more "college experience" route -- ie dancing clubs, lunch hang outs, speakers, concerts, performances, and so on. Even though you don't live on campus, there are still a ton of ways you can particpate in campus-sponsored activities, like the ones I mentioned above. If none of this appeals to you, try going back to your high school clique -- not to cling on to your old friends, but to make new connections with some of the people they may now know. Whenever you feel down and lonely, push yourself out of the house, even if just to go for a drive. Don't focus on the "8 hopeful years" you've wasted; look forward to the 10+ years you have in store. There will be MANY chances in the future, esp. concerning friends/a girlfriend.

[Spugly Fuglet]

can not add any thing to AntiLoves garte post.

[New_Horizons]

Hey buddy I can relate to what you're saying. I feel exactly the same way. Never had a g/f, was full of expectations in high school, and was sorely disappointed when I found out college/university wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. I'm about to graduate soon and I'm still a social retard. Don't beat yourself up for not living in the dorms. I lived in the dorms for two whole years and throughout that period I only made *one* 'lifelong' friendship (with a guy).

[bdub02]

Hey buddy I can relate to what you're saying. I feel exactly the same way. Never had a g/f, was full of expectations in high school, and was sorely disappointed when I found out college/university wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. I'm about to graduate soon and I'm still a social retard. Don't beat yourself up for not living in the dorms. I lived in the dorms for two whole years and throughout that period I only made *one* 'lifelong' friendship (with a guy).

 

Yeah, you have one lifelong male friendship, but at least you have somebody. I have nobody. Its better to have a few close friends than many acquaintances that dont really care about you. Tomorrow's friday and I'm going to be sitting here at home because I have nobody to go out with or hang with or even call up and ask.

 

Transferring schools is an idea, but my parents wouldn't support me in doing that at all. I would also have to give up my scholarship at my current university. I could do it, but it would be an extreme risk.

[Weeblie]

Yeah, you have one lifelong male friendship, but at least you have somebody. I have nobody. Its better to have a few close friends than many acquaintances that dont really care about you. Tomorrow's friday and I'm going to be sitting here at home because I have nobody to go out with or hang with or even call up and ask.

 

Do you have a bunch of acquaintances? That's a start...maybe you could work on them and try to turn them into friends?

[bdub02]

Do you have a bunch of acquaintances? That's a start...maybe you could work on them and try to turn them into friends?

 

Thing is I don't right now. I had them in high school though. I could have probably turned them into better friends if my parents weren't so strict about me going out. I do know some party type people I could possibly hang with but like I said, I'm not that type. I dont enjoy being around their sense of humor and I dont relate well to them.

 

A big problem i think, relating to the lines of the people that said to transfer schools, is that most intellectual type people whom I would relate well to would not go to a local college like mine.

[Weeblie]

Thing is I don't right now. I had them in high school though. I could have probably turned them into better friends if my parents weren't so strict about me going out. I do know some party type people I could possibly hang with but like I said, I'm not that type. I dont enjoy being around their sense of humor and I dont relate well to them.

 

That's so freaky. I had a similar problem with my parents being so strict. I think that really messed up my social skills. Sometimes I'm afraid to go out because I'm not used to it. I especially hate going to fancy restaurants because I don't know what I'm doing, it's always a fight to make myself go.

 

Anways I got a little off-topic there.

Well you know party type people...you could try talking to them some more. Even though you don't like their humor...they might know people that you'll click with better. Because I'm sure that if you do go to a party you're bound to find someone else that's dying to leave also.

A big problem i think, relating to the lines of the people that said to transfer schools, is that most intellectual type people whom I would relate well to would not go to a local college like mine.

Well back in the day when I was really optimistic (middle school)...I spent one year trying to make friends with everyone I met. I found that if you talk to a person long enough...you'll eventually find something in common with them. Intellectual or not. So really it's a matter of persistence and patience. Oh and lots of listening. Ask them lots of questions about themselves. Remember the details too, that was always a good thing from what I remember.

[astromantic]

I actually did do the whole dorm experience. I moved away from home to a school about 1.5 hr west of my hometown. I'm currently in my fourth and final year of studies and I'll say this: I ignore probably 80% of the people I had lived with in my dorm. I didn't like them much (however I lived in an all girls dorm so it was kinda of difficult to get along with all the females). Most of the people I associate with and have become good friends with were individuals I met in class (speak up! talk to the person beside you in class! I made two great long term friends just by randomly talking to people on the first day) or I had met through my various extracurriculars (I was on student council and now am chief editor of my school's business magazine).

 

What I'm trying to say is... the dorm experience is not the "be all, end all" of making friendships in university. It really is up to you to make the most out of your experience. It takes courage - no doubt it's intimidating to speak to strangers but people generally won't turn you down for talking to them. Don't give up yet!