trying to end what i never had the strength to stop

[staticcling]

it is 1 am and i can't sleep. he is in the next room snoring...the man i had an affair with, who left his wife and child for me. the man i left my own marriage for. the man i have been trying to leave since this all began. when god made me, he forgot the gene for breaking up... i am just incapable and need HELP!

 

since the work affair began over two years ago, it has felt like i am watching a train wreck but have no power to stop it. but the truth is i had choice and just made the bad ones over and over again. to spare you the long but juicy version, i tried to break it off about 17,000 times, but even after divorcing my unsuspecting and decent husband, even after being confronted AT WORK by his wife and kid in the lobby, even after he lied to me about sleeping and separate bedrooms, even after knowing he is still USING STEROIDS, even after MY MOM FLEW INTO THE COUNTRY FROM OVERSEAS TO HELP ME LEAVE, even after leaving the state TWICE... here i sit, listening to him snore.

 

ok. before i sound like a total lost cause, a couple of things: i grappled with staying because we came so far... he DID leave her, and i did leave my MARRIAGE AND MY HOUSE AND QUIT MY JOB (what the hell did i do?) and our "grand plan" is to marry (when his divorce is final). when it is just the two of us, we have a great time. but because we started as an affair, trying to integrate our lives has been difficult. Before we lived together, i wanted to leave out of guilt. Now, i want to leave out of guilt and doubt.

 

Doubt: not sure if we met under normal circumstances, would our lives fit together? i will never know. will i always feel like the 'other woman?'

 

Doubt: steroids? no wonder he looks so damn good! but steroids? and lying to me about it? can anyone spell R-E-D F-L-A-G???

 

Guilt: we fell in love while his wife was still preggers. they never had a chance because i was already in the picture. his son adores him. and me. and us. his estranged wife hates me.

 

Guilt: thanksgiving and christmas will be isolated. his family can't accept me and they have not spoken to him in a year. he is choosing me over them.

 

so the bottom line is: even if the love feels right, the rest feels SO DAMN WRONG. and it has felt WRONG TO BEGIN WITH but I just could not stop myself. i could not stop the trainwreck. but I cant keep doing this... and have to break it off before he not only sacrifices his marriage, but his immediate family! I can't live with knowing he will sacrifice spending the holidays with them, to fight for us. because deep down i know that if his family can't accept me, we won't survive the relationship. too much has been lost,

 

So after months of therapy, i wrote him a "Dear John" letter and am planning to leave him on Thursday. I am packing while he is at work...

 

am i a total coward? i know that he will just talk me out of it if i try to tell him all of this face to face. and my track record of leaving the relationship has been awful, even when the stakes are this high.

 

please don't send unkind replies about my being a homewrecker... i want to leave, believe me. with a shred of integrity.

[booberry]

When you leave him, are you going to be able to break all contact with him?

[KissMe_KillMe]

Have you tried talking to his family?

[staticcling]

as far as his family goes... his parents have reluctantly accepted me. His siblings, with whom he was very close, have cut out all contact with him since Easter. His parents have to choose between spending the holidays with "the adulterers" or "the rest of the family." I feel like if i left, it would be less burdensome for everyone. it just hurts to know how this will devestate my boyfriend. Here is a case where the guy actually leaves his wife for what he hopes will be something better. but the hits just keep on coming...

 

i have drafted letters to his brothers, and parents. basic gist of letters is "although i am so sorry for how this relationship came to be, i won't apologize for how much i love him. but i am leaving because i can't bear for him to lose his family this way."

 

the plan is to leave no access except through email.

my downfall in the past has been has been this cell phone. damn technology.

 

i have arranged to go to a friends house for a few days. but i have no job and no place to live. so it will be a long climb starting all over. i am considering leaving town for a while... maybe even visit my parents out of the country to keep from temptation.

 

there are alot of excuses to stay, but in therapy i have been preparing for how i can't keep letting the stakes get higher... its hard though

 

 

what do you guys think?

[booberry]

make a definite plan of action for breaking contact. If you're thinking of leaving town, make firm plans for yourself or with your family, and GET RID OF THAT CELL PHONE (and by that, I'm sure all you need to do is change your number).

 

Given your past, I cant stress enough how important cutting cold turkey is for you in your success in this matter. So make sure you dont have any excuses for contacting him again, or any way he can contact you.

[booberry]

Oh and please utilize that great support network of friends and family you have while you try to deal with your decision. Let them know how hard it is going to be for you, and let them help you through it any way they can.

[whoops]

well if this is what you want you need to do it - breaking up is hard but you have to make a decision and stick to it - determination - write what is wrong in a list and enviage what life you want - then follow what you want

 

I know you say love but you are so upset and confused and yet i need to tell you sometimes you shouldnt be with people just cause you love them there is more to life then just love with someone - it is how they treat you how you feel what you do to each other do they compliment you are their families okay with them are they happy - love yes but it isnt just the two of you in a life there are others and they have to be considered espically as marriage is coming soon -

 

If your partner can cheat on a pregant wife with you he can do it with you to another person - this is low - and you well you let it happen you had a choice but hey you know all that lets move on.

 

So yes leave but to do it not ot his face is not brave but cowardly - i would tell him face to face unless you cant do it - then okay the letter but as a last resort - move your stuff gradually to your friends place and you should have already looked for a job as you seem to have premeditation ot leave him for a while - you need the job to take your mind of things - anyway yes go to your friends and wipe off all your addresses etc of him and nos etc and go cold turkey - be brave or be stuck in a marriage full of guilt and unhappiness.!

[whoops]

oh and family in relationships do matter if they dont accept you then i agree with you leave him - i was in the same situation the mother for 4 years didnt accept me finally he asked her re marrying me she went mad and he said he had to make her happy - so in the long term good as with you imagine your kids would not have any of his family as theirs and resentment would build and yes ! get out as you said

 

Good luck and breathe hard and be determined - you can do it and it is for the right reason - NC though or there will be trouble.

[staticcling]

so do you guys think a "dear john" letter is okay to do? it feels so premeditated but with my track record i don't want to risk failing again.