Feeling ashamed and disappointed in myself

[butterflycloud]

Ill try and make this short. Been divorced from the ex for two years and over the last few months I really astarted to feel good again- like I had come to grips with everything. I met someone and went out with the for a month and then brok up with the last week- It just didnt feel right.

 

Anyway I had to see the ex on the weekend to sort something out. To my horror I ended up flirting with him even though he has girlfriend. I am still very attracted to him and to cut things short we ended up sleeping together. I cant believe that I did that! The next day I felt like I was back at the start and all those horrifically negative feelings all came flooding back. I know that we cant work but I find myself wanting to be with him.

 

All this is probably the veil side of my ego- I know that he wants me and I find myself playing into that. He doesnt want to break up with his girlfriend unless I tell him that we have a chance but I know that we cant work.

 

What is going on with me??? At the moment that I did it I thought well stuff it, Im always trying to be such a goodie two shoes.

 

So what now? I feel hurt, disappointed all over again and I feel that the progress that I made has all been reversed.

[robowarrior]

Well that's pretty much going in a circle, basically you have to go into NC'ing, and what your doing to him also isn't fair towards his gf. And he also isn't fair for not making her the nr.1 in his life. Basically i don't think he wants to lose you.

 

What's really the core here is your decision making. Stop making the wrong decisions. If you choose a certain direction, stick to it. You are divorced, so what is it gonna be, stay or leave? Jump out of the vicious circle and move upwards with your life.

[butterflycloud]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I know that you are right in saying that I must stick to one decision and I know that it is not fair on his girlfriend and I am VERY ashamed that I did what I did. Sometimes I wish that someone wiould hit me over the head with a frying pan so that all my past memories could be erased and I would never have to think of him again- easier said than done!

[Kia Kaha]

Don't be too hard on yourself - it's only going to make things worse for you and everyone makes mistakes. The last thing you need to do right now is beat yourself up about it. You're only human after all, so be gentle on yourself. I'm pretty early into the whole no contact thing but I have to say it works in part because of the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing... so that's probably the best solution I guess? It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself in the time you've been apart so I don't think that will vanish in an instant, it's just been momentarily 'rocked' and in fact it's probably giving you the strength to know that you shouldn't get back together with him. Follow that instinct, think about the exciting future you could be sacrificing to be with him, and go easy on yourself for your mistake.

 

Good luck, and be strong!

[butterflycloud]

Thanks Kia for the motivation. NC would be an option but we share a child so I have to see and speak to him. Well I spoke to him earlier and he wants to give things a chance with the GF so Im feeling very hurt this morning- I feel used and foolish!