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Immense Surprise over breakup with live-in fiancee - HELP!!


ConfusedwPride
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Well, I have read a lot of posts here and around this forum, and I can say so far, that just reading them is good therapy.

 

However, I need some advice from the experts and the veterans who have been in my situation. Because every melodrama has a story, I hate to bore, but here is mine:

 

I met my fiancee (no longer my fiancee as of 3 days ago) almost 3 years ago (I will call her Nicolette) and I was somewhat rebounding from another relationship that had much less time and substance than the one I have/had now with Nic. She was 25 and I was 32, so there was a slight age difference too. Anyway, while my initial attraction was solid, I wasn't completely satisfied (and I know many will see this as superficial) with her body shape. Not that she was bad, but she had maybe 15 lbs to lose, and I knew this girl would be smoking beautiful with her body to match her already beautiful face. I also knew at the time, that as far as personality goes, this girl was literally one in a million (at least from a guys perspective). She was laid-backed, liked to do anything, sexually adventurous, took could care of me, supportive at all costs to me, and expressed her love daily in a sincere way.

 

After dating for about seven months and having sex, I looked at her one day and we laughed and commented on how incredibly in sync we were in so many areas: communication, means of expressing love, deep care for the other, common ideals for future, etc., in other words we were madly in love with each other. I told her at that time, that she was the first girl I had met that I could see in the future sitting on a porch in a rocking chair at the age of 80.

 

We wanted to move in, but her father was concerned about the fast track of the relationship and wanted some sign of commitment. While I wanted very much to marry her, I had not gotten to the level of looking at rings or going through those engagement steps as we had only dated 7 months. I took a look at the prospect that this relationship was going to be beautiful going forward, so we jumped the gun a bit and we picked out a ring, I proposed, and we got engaged and moved into my apartment (and I asked my roomate to leave).

 

Things went pretty well from there. There were fights and issues, but I knew all couples had them, we worked through them with patience and communication. At some point, after living in my apartment with her for a year, she felt as if we were in a rut being in my old apartment, and so to make a financial smart step and to "renew" our incipient life together, we bought a condo together. We had a wedding date set in Cabo San Lucas, but after 9/11 and the economy, many of her friends could not make it, so we cancelled the wedding and decided to wait for a better time in the future.

 

We have lived together for the last 12 months in our new condo. We had some problems in that we are very similar in some negative ways: neither of us are very good money savers or money managers, and she is a spiritual (not born-again like, but believes in higher powers, feng shui, etc. -- in fact her nickname is Dharma from the sitcom). I on the other hand, as an attorney, am a very logicial, scientific based person, and sometimes we had opposing viewpoints on this issue, but we were madly in love with each other so it didn't matter. She also has complained that many times I did not make her feel sexy, yet she and I for the first 3/4 of the relationship had great sex, it was as if now that she knew she was getting attention from other men (she is now a size 6), she resented me for perhaps not finding her body my ideal. But that wasn't the case, I did lust after her in any shape, I just wanted her to wear sexy clothing which she felt uncomfortable wearing because of her previous size.

 

Since we met, we both liked to unwind on weekends and have cocktails and we enjoyed this a great deal. A few times she was upset with my behavior when drunk (just sloppy, not violent), and we had several next day arguments, and with her mother being a revocering alcoholic AA devotee, I knew that to make sure there was not going to be issues surrounding her fears with her mother, I offered to quit drinking and work on some alternative areas of enjoyment. She decided as well to quit drinking, and we began exercising and trying to get in good shape and she started looking phenomenal. This was last February, 2002. I haven't drank since, it was a no-brainer, but her mom, deep down is upset I didn't do the 12 steps because, if anyone out there knows an AA devotee, any other method of quitting is heresy.

 

To replace our weekend drinking, we worked out and watched movies together, however, as hard as I tried I couldn't find too many topics that we enjoyed discussing. I have a Libertarian bent, and believe our government is way to big and controlling, and I think that the drug war is destroying our country. Well, even though she agreed with the facts behind my argument, deep-down she and her Republican family (with strong Republican values and an AA/born-again Christian mentality) thought my views were nuts. She is very, almost overtly, dependant on other peoples opinions, and of course, especially her parents, who are not models of sophistication, but they do have hearts of gold.

 

Well, I thought things were going great or at least as great as things could be considering she could not find a job that made her happy during all of 2002, until the last month when she got a job she loves. I supported her though this last year and held her as she cried over every new job that she hated. So now that she loves her current job, I am ecstatic, because this was becoming a problem for me! So now , she has a job she loves, she looks great, is making money, and is very happy. And let me recap, we have always had a deeply loving, caring relationship--in fact other couples enjoyed being around us because of the magic we created just being together.

 

Now the finale: Two weeks ago she went to Atlanta for a trip to train for her new job. While she was there she called to tell me that she thought the relationship was over and that she was going to move out when she returned--reason from her: "we are incompatible". I, of course panicked, thought she was seeing someone else and emailed her with a lengthy expression of love and implored hew to reconsider her decision. I even called her parents, and they were extremely cold to me (and we -- her parents and I -- had gotten along well for the first 2 years but lately, there seemed some distance--perhaps that was an impending breakup sign I had missed).

 

When she came home on Friday, December 13, 2002, I had $600 worth of flowers around our condo, her favorite foods, rose petals for her bath, a huge Christmas tree up, soft music, a memorized self-composed poem of love, etc. Definitely a show of love. She smirked and said "nice, but its over" in an almost nasty way. I couldn't believe this was the same girl who two weeks ago, before Atlanta, hugged me and kissed me and told me how much she loved me.] I cannot understand women!!!!!!

 

Over Saturday and Sunday, I just tried to be loving and she and I would watch movies and actually tenderly touch each other in a non-sexual way, but she told me she was moving out and it was not going to change. I finally demanded to know why she was doing this, and in tears told her I felt like she was treating me like a chump. She wrote down her reasons, and basically they were: she felt she could not rely on me (I was changing fields within law and it was causing me some stress), that sometimes I was too insecure for her around other people (she has a salesman personality, and I am more of the arrogant but sometimes needy type), that I was too intellectual for her (???), and that her family hated me. This last one is probably a huge factor. In the past, because I am an attorney, a capricorn, and sometimes a little mouthy, I tend to spout off on controversial political issues with her parents that I should basically just nod in agreement on (key lesson learned here: never EVER argue with inlaws--potential or actual inlaws). Anyway, she is sleeping now in our second bedroom, I spent yesterday crying telling her that we had so much potential, and that her reasons for breaking up are pragmatic/administrative reasons and that counseling between us would work through these issues, in other words "love conquers all". She will have none of it.

 

Also, what irks me is that she has said she had been thinking about this for about 6 months already (I did not see one single clue!!! And I do not consider myself blind to those types of things, but maybe I was). And now she has a great job, she looks beautiful, is getting hit on by other men (i.e. her confidence regarding her life is at an all-time high), and I think she is thinking at this point maybe (and this is my opinion) she can "trade-up" and get a guy who can deliver everything she wants. I mean, I am no slouch, I am a patent attorney, am attractive, and make good money, but we don't see eye to eye on everything, but what couple does????

 

She is living with me now and I have decided to stop wooing her back as of last night and work towards splitting things fairly. I am even going to let her keep the 2.5CT ring which she desperately wants to do.

 

She will be looking for an apartment and will probably move out by January 1st. I know, in my heart that she loved me AND was in love with me, and between her overintensified pragmatic fears on our compatibility, her parents encouragement, and her new found guy-magnet ability, she has decided to "move on". She told me when she was in Atlanta, she cried herself to sleep so loudly for 4 nights after she made the decision, that she feared her hotel neighbors might complain. So obviously, she has made this decision and has felt a great deal of pain over it. I think that lately, with my job changing, and given that I am a thinker, rationalizer, linear processing person, and her father is a "in your face/tell it like it is" salesman type guy, she thinks she needs someone with "down-home" values, not maverick deep-thinkers who want to get politically interested in controversial issues which I tend to do sometimes, but these are just my hobbies and we could work through them. I have told her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and have felt that she and I make a wonderful team (and she has said this many, many times in the past), and that we need to work this out. However, she has shut down her heart as it relates to this relationship--at least for the moment. For you see, Nic is VERY capricous, very impulsive, very mercurial, AND very stubborn, which mostly has to do with her age, but I always knew she would grow out of these whimsical natures, but I have to admit, I have rarely seen resolution like this before from her. She has grown lately and our relationship has been even more enjoyable, especially the less she talked to her rather dysfunctional, northern Minnesota backwoods parents. I would bet there is at least a 60% chance she will call me in a month regretting her decision.

 

Now, my question to all of you is what do I do now? Should I be cold and act like I don't care? Should I continue to show my love? If I do that I feel like she is seeing the person who can't bear to face life without her and now I am showing the weaker man that she claims she cannot rely on. But I love her so much, I cannot stand to be in the same place with her without wanting to say some effusive language conveying my deep love to her. But again, then I feel like she has the upper hand, and I become her whipping boy and she says smug and glib things like, "I am sorry you are so sad." I hate that!

 

This morning I kissed her on the cheek before she went to work, but otherwise was rather quiet. I do not know if that kiss was even the right thing to do. She is in some ways pitying me, which I cannot stand!!!

 

I would like us to stay together, however, she has said that her "heart knows her decision is right", and her seriousness and calmness is a surprising atitude, but at the same time, I know her, and she can flip flop all of the time all over the map, especially when her parents get in her head.

 

Should I let her go and hold onto her mentally, or, should I let her go and forget about her (which I cannot bear to do, but will if I must). And, in the meantime, do I act like we are just roomates and friendly (which she doesn't seem to mind doing, although it kills me), or should I turn my back on her and do things more on my own.

 

I feel like Professor Higgins, and now my Audrey Hepburn who I loved, helped become an urban sophisticate and taught her how to deal with difficult people at her jobs, is now leaving ME, or to put it another way, I feel like I just put her through med school and now she wants to leave me.

 

Help please.....I am so utterly confused at her cold determination, yet I know she was in love with me a mere 4 weeks ago (I think anyway) based on the things she would say to me and the deep affection we had for each other. Also, her best friend told me in confidence that she is not seeing anybody else, and she thinks also that Nic is off her rocker in doing what she is doing, so I do trust her friend and thereforeeeeeee believe there is not another man in the picture.

 

Any ideas from you guys/girls out there??? I just need some direction, as I am losing my mind. It is so hard to come home and have her say "Hi honey!" do you want to make dinner? Which is just like the old days, but she is moving out in 2 weeks, and she has said we should just be friends while living together. I know there is not another man, but, I won't kid myself, she may have her eyes on several--who knows? All I want to know is what happened to her love. And girls out there, what is she thinking?

 

Thank you so much for any comments or helpful hints. And I am sorry about the length.

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Love can be great, challenging and very confusing...

 

Something has happened to your love. She has seen something in you that may reflect her future in her mind. She may have another interest or losing interest in you with no reasonable explanation. Perhaps this confusion is what has brought her to tears. You're summary of her evolving as a more attractive and professional woman does equate to a persona change. She may have changed her tastes in life which can include interests, her image of her future and her complete outlook on life.

 

Sad to say... You may never know what has happened to her to make her suddenly change like this.

 

So rather than asking her repeatedly or inquiring to her what has happened. Take the time that you have left with her to make your final attempts to save your relationship. Focus on romance, surprises and mostly proclaim to her that no matter the problem is that it can be worked out.

 

Now at some point you may feel that there is nothing that you can do or she may put the feeling upon you to give up on her completely. At this point you should back off, but don't be cold. You may be hurt but remember that you love this woman. And whatever has caused this change may go away at some point. But by no means, go overboard and give her total control by begging, harassing or crying to her about all of this.

 

Above all, be a man, keep your dignity, fight one last time for her love, respect her feelings and keep positive.

 

I'm sure things will work out for you…

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Hi, if it's any consolation read my posts especially the first one on the Breaking Up forum entitled 'why did she do this to me??' i'm in the same situation of how a woman can change overnight and not love you any more. it's unreal and so frustrating and difficult to comprehend!!????

Lightingbird couldn't have given a better explanation, that reply made me realise and things make sense now. also women tend to have their futures regarding love planned out a lot more than us men do. i'm 29 and i see a future now and i'm just getting on with my life as i've had the most heartbreaking and confusing hurtful period in my life.

Time is the greatest healer, if she misses you and make her be missed she'll be back. read my posts!

 

take care, carl.

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You know, that is pretty bad.

 

Some people are drama queens and tend to forget what means so much to them when they have it going good for them. She's egotistical right now and I think you should give her one last try. If not, live your life slowly and step by step without her.

 

Most of all put yourself outside of your situation. If your sibling, or someone else very close and dear to you was treated in such a manner how would you feel? Angry I bet!

 

You have a right to be angry, but don't lose it.

 

A few weeks of anger is not worth a lifetime of...why didn't I give her a chance?

 

Soulmates are hard to find, harder to get back but I think you should make it LOUD AND CLEAR that she is mistreating you.

 

She hurt you bad and if she's going to continue acting like this, I wouldn't take it. But don't ever forget the value of a soulmate....

 

They are definitely one in a million....

 

You know he/she's the one when you look into his/her eyes.[/b]

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