My story

[RRB]

Have had a real bad day today. Been crying, been sitting alone. Not spoken to anyone. Its driving me up the wall. Thought i had made a decision tonight that that was it, game over. Didnt decide i was going to do it tonight, just decided i was going to do it and it was just a case of when.

 

Its hard to explain, im not eating im awake most of the night with thoughts buzzing round my head. Sometimes i just feel a voice in my head screaming with so much frustration to end it. Dont get me wrong im not hearing voices or anything like that. Its really difficult when i know tomorrow is going to have pretty much the same in store for me as it did today ](*,) .

 

I know people have much worse problems than i do, I dont know how they cope. Im barely struggling to get through each day right now. I said earlier that i didnt think i would take my own life but sometimes the agony i feel makes me think i will. Im so sick of feeling this way, so sick of not being able to sleep. I miss my ex very much as well as missing her friendship. I know people say struggle on it will get better and i would really like to believe that but it really does not seem like it from my point of view. Im tired, I have no energy, no motivation and no will to keep struggling.

 

Thanks for listening

[turqoise]

mmmm. you poor thing; you`ve definitely got a huge lot going on there; that`s definitely too much for a person to handle, especially by themselves.

 

Thank you for replying!

I don`t know how much of a consolation this is, but i totally completely understand exactly what you`re saying (except maybe the not eating part - with me it was the opposite!) if you`re thinking about suicide all the time it means you`re really very depressed. Seriously, suicide is a selfish path to take, so please please promise me not to do it.

this kind of depression, which sounds pretty much like what I have, is due to a chemical imbalance in your brain right now. That`s why you can`t concentrate - and you might not be able to remember things, or think as fast as before, but you`re always stuck in your thoughts, which might tend to tunnel. Not being able to sleep or eat are definite signs, plus you might find you`re having difficulty just doing stuff - lifting things, talking or even just sitting.

I think it`s really awesome that you managed to go to the doctor, and took time off work - that must have taken so much effort, but you did the right thing!! well done!! - and I`m glad that he gave you the medications. I think they take about 3 weeks to kick in eh.

What did your doctor say about your depression? have you talked to anyone who has been able to understand where you`re at right now adn is able to help you out in some way, or no?

lots of big huge hugs***

[turqoise]

hey, don`t know what country you`re in but i found these sites.

 

this site gives a list of hotlines in the usa you can call if you need someone to talk to in an emergency- maybe if you start thinking suicidal thoughts again it will help:

link removed

 

and this one gives you ones for the uk:

link removed

 

if you`re in another country you can google it; most countries seem to have a hotline you can call - and they`re there exactly to help people like you...you seem like the person who might not want to call lines like this, but they`re not going to know who you are or judge you in any way, so please give them a try too.

[RRB]

Doctor did not say too much really, young girl, maybe not that experienced. I got a month supply of a pill called Citalopram. Im supposed to go back to the doctors on friday. I have tried to talk to my mum but she is old fashioned and thinks its as easy as just giving yourself a shake. Other than that i really have absolutely no one at all i can talk to. I just cant see a way out at the moment. I can see in a sense why people think suicide is selfish, but is it worth keeping others happy and living in complete suffering. Realisically i only have my mother now, she is the only one who would even notice i was gone. My head is a complete mess right now. Just want out.

 

Thanks.

[turqoise]

I can see in a sense why people think suicide is selfish, but is it worth keeping others happy and living in complete suffering. Realistically i only have my mother now, she is the only one who would even notice i was gone.

to be honest when you didn't come back for a long while after starting this thread and i feared the worst...i`m glad you`re still around; and i haven`t even met you i guess it`s because your story sounds so much like mine. and YES, totally, in answer to your question! for me, what helped me realize that it would hurt someone, was visualizing what would happen in the hours, days etc after i did it, and my family.

 

in terms of support i can see why you`re hanging on a thread. i totally understand too, how you say your mum thinks you just have to harden up. my parents were the same, and they didn't believe me when i mentioned suicide, telling me i wasn't the only one in the world with problems etc etc. my mum thought i was just lazy and a drama queen. But my dad finally took me to see a doctor after he happened to see a medical program about depression, which explained that it was an actual illness of the brain.

 

im glad you`re going back to see the doc on Friday, though if you don`t think she knows much about depression then i would ask her to recommend a psychiatrist who you can see (not a psychologist). They are apparently better first points of call to diagnose mental illnesses and how bad it really is. They, unlike psychologists, can also prescribe you medication.

 

The other thing you could do is get some supplements, which is what i did (these are listed on a treatment plan which was on a website made by a recovering sufferer of depression, in conjunction with several doctors, after research and experimenting on himself. It is a free site, and is getting tremendous feedback from everyone who has tried it. It`s in Japanese though.)

But yeah, if you want to try it, it`s highly likely it can relieve you of how you`re feeling right now(until your meds kick in - as they`ll take about 3 weeks). I tried it out of desperation, and it helped tremendously, and really quickly - like within 30 minutes of taking it I felt a lot better.

 

You can get these from a health shop - maybe call ahead and check if they have them all first. Ask if they have the SOLGAR brand for 2-4 (because that`s what i use, and every herbalist has told me they`re a solid brand, and if they sell them in nz i`m sure they`ll sell them in your country).

1. soy protein powder -take 3 times a day as per instructions (in milk/water)

2. phosphatydilserine -take 3 times a day, plus any time you feel down.

3. omega 3 -take 3 times a day

4. multivitamin complex -take 3 times a day

5. eat carbs and veges if you can each meal.

 

They are all ingredients to make neurotransmitters and the associated systems. They are all natural. It`s a bit expensive, but if you compare that with feeling better quickly, then it`s worth it. These got my thoughts to chill out and stopped going in the suicidal direction all the time, and they continue to help me now. You might be thinking it`s too much hassle, but if you can just manage to buy them, then it`s really easy from there.

So yeah, if you can, please try it too.

(If you do, or anyone else reading this post does, please let me know so I can post up the info that goes with this, as there are some other tips and recommendations. These are the bare essentials I`ve posted here.)

 

But yeah, the main thing is, please don`t commit suicide. If you get that feeling coming on, don`t wait until it`s overbearing - call a lifeline while you`re still feeling like you can handle it. it`s a bit embarrassing but like i said, they can`t see who you are; they know what to talk about so you don`t need to worry, it`s not like having a conversation with a regular person.

 

Plus, you know you said you can`t sleep, what do you do at night?

[RRB]

Never spoke to my mum regarding feeling suicidal. Ive tried to comment on it in a roundabout way dropping hints but she doesnt get it.

 

In summary this is what is getting me down not in a particular order. I know others are far worse of than myself, i do realise that but it doesnt help how i feel.

 

1. I no longer have my partner and my best friend and her daughter and i miss them. Knowing i found the perfect partner for me, this is really something i know within myself.

2. It horrifies me to think she will be with someone else.

3. The car I bought last year in preparation for moving back to old town is going to have to be sold to help fund me buying house here now. Leaving me feeling i have less freedom to travel home when i want.

4. Buying here is very expensive and very hard. It got more and more expensive while i was hanging on to move back home and im really going to be struggling to buy, and at that im only going to be able to afford a small 1 bed flat in a not so good area.

5. The thought of going to look at flats and trying to find one when i dont really want to be here and have a mindset for moving home is devastating. Moving home is stressful enough without other factors.

6. I feel completely alone, no one to talk to, sitting night after night alone.

7. Constant thoughts in my head, getting virtually no sleep night after night.

8. Suffered so many setbacks in my life already and dont feel i deserve them. Im a good person, never in trouble with police, always honest, polite and respectful. I just feel what have i done in my life to deserve so much misfortune.

9. I know its not old and i know people will say thing but this is how i feel. Im 36, single, no kids, no real friends, all alone with what i feel is a mountain to climb to try and rebuild my life.

 

As said i know others are worse off and i can appreciate it but it just doesnt make me feel any more fortunate. People will say it will get better and quite possibly in the future it may could happen. Right now though im suffering greatly on my own and its hard. I truly am tired of my life now. Sick of being happy for a bit then getting knocked to the ground again and again. At some point there comes a time where you have no more strength, no more energy and no will left to get up and continue to fight. Eventually you just have to throw in the towel.

 

In reference to your question about not sleeping. I will go to bed, lie for a while constantly thinking about everything. My body is so tired, my eyes are sore but my brain will just not shut down. So i get up, sit about the house, try to watch a movie, browse the internet. Ill do this maybe 2-4 times a night. At some stage i eventually fall asleep but after a couple of hours im back up again.

 

Your supplements do seem like a hassle, i dont mean to offend as you are trying to help, i just dont have the enthusiasm. I am already taking a multi vitamin. I have the doctors tomorrow morning and ill give them a chance for the short term and ill look into the other supplements you mention. I cant promise anything though.

 

Thanks for understanding.

[turqoise]

hey no problem.

i`m glad you`re writing out what has happened. wow, i`m not exactly sure I understand, i might ask you later about some of what you wrote. don`t worry about feeling sorry for yourself - a breakup can be a HUGELY devastating thing (that`s what triggered mine too -i was suicidal for about 4 months) that that`s definitely warranted! trying to remember that others are worse off is only going to make you feel like you`re more of a loser which you don`t need. if your mum`s telling you others are worse off, I would ignore it. she probably means well, and if you weren`t ill it would be the right thing to say, but as it is it`s that last thing you need to hear .

you`re allowed to wallow in your sadness and depression, full-on, as long as you don`t commit suicide!

..and as long as you listen to me! (nah, just kidding!)

 

thanks for answering about my question about sleep - wow that sounds chronic...poor thing! I understand the whole runaway thinking before bed - you just can`t control it eh. You know I got through it by falling asleep in hte lounge watching movies. Specifically, and only the ones by the guy that did `Spirited Away` and `Howl`s Moving Castle` because they engage your mind but don`t stimulate it the wrong way. There are few other movies that achieve exactly that. I watched them for about a month, back to back about 5 times every evening, until I fell asleep. It was way way better than lying in bed with thoughts spinning through.

 

As for the supplements, no problem. It`s really good to hear what you`re thinking relative to what I`ve been posting, and hope you`ll keep telling me. I just know once you get them you`ll feel so much relief so quickly, I really wish those feelings of fatigue and no-energy or enthusiasm could show just a tiny gap so you can go get them and ease these horrible feelings you`re in right now. Just because I`ve been there too and I really hate to see you suffering so much. It really is very serious, despite the fact you might try to play it down. But I totally understand your unenthusiasm- in my case I couldn`t even get on the computer so my dad looked it all up and he went and bought them, and fed them to me. It`s great you`re already taking multivitamins - but the two that are the immediate mood boosters are phosphitydilserine and the soy protein powder. Just so you know, your doctor won`t know about these (as i said a japanese guy devleoped this himself with doctors` help, and it`s not like it`s a published study or anything), but they can be taken with medication, and are designed to especially help especially in the period until the meds kick in.

Yeah, if you`re going to the doctor tomorrow that`s already an awesome effort, so i think that`s really good! I hope she`ll refer you to a psychiatrist or two at least...

How is your thinking? What are you doing during hte day usually?

lots of big hugs~

[RRB]

Went to doctors today and they upped my dose of Citalopram, gave me some more sleeping pills and another 2 weeks off work. I am getting referred to speak to someone but not sure who.

 

During the day i dont do much, today i went to the doctors, came home, browsed the internet for a bit, went and lay down for a couple of hours. Managed to dose off for an hour, just got back up not so long ago. Other than my doctor this morning i have no physical contact with anyone, I have not eaten and i dont feel hungry. I have no idea what ill do for the rest of the day and night.

 

I find the weekend so much harder than during the week, i cant really explain why but i do. Being alone all the time, knowing im going to spend this weekend alone and it sucks so much. I know for now pretty much everyday has the same in store for me. Its not even that i want some company. Im not lonely, just feel alone. I mean you can be in a crowd of people and your not lonely but you can still feel alone, you can be home on your own and not feel lonely but your still alone. Hope that makes sense.

 

I really dont want this anymore, i cant see the point, i honestly cant see the point in it. I constantly think about my ex and how i want her back so much. Constantly think about the stuggle i have ahead to try and rebuild a life, the stuggles ive had before and i really cannot be bothered anymore. Every waking moment of the day i feel mentally tortured by my thoughts and feelings. I just cant see and end in sight. I just dont care for it anymore, im tired of my life, im tired of being me and i really do want out. I feel its a fear factor stopping me right now but i feel very soon fear or no fear im going to seek relief from this.

[turqoise]

I find the weekend so much harder than during the week, i cant really explain why but i do. Being alone all the time, knowing im going to spend this weekend alone and it sucks so much. I know for now pretty much everyday has the same in store for me. Its not even that i want some company. Im not lonely, just feel alone. I mean you can be in a crowd of people and your not lonely but you can still feel alone, you can be home on your own and not feel lonely but your still alone. Hope that makes sense.

totally understand. it`s like you feel alone yourself eh. me, im feeling alone AND lonely right now being in the house by myself. it`s a pretty horrible desolate kind of feeling.

 

Hey, I`m glad you`re chilling out not doing much. That`s definitely the right way to go. You even got a bit of sleep; awesome. Just take things at your own pace; you`re not obligated to do anything. Plus it`s great that you got referred to someone, and that you at least have another 2 weeks off. Don`t stress about work at all, or anything for that matter if you can help it - if it`s any consolation I stopped working completely (I was relief teaching) adn haven`t worked for 6 months now.

 

As for ending it all, don`t. I`m glad you`re saying how you feel though. It`s really serious (apparently the doc understood that that you`re feeling like this; it`s pretty much the pit of where depression takes you - basically it has depleted so much energy that you can`t do anything physically, or mentally or emotionally. So yeah, know that this is the illness doing its worst. So even if you`re feeling so low, don`t do it. Engage your brain with something - DVDs like the movies I told you about, checking out funny stuff on the net.

[RRB]

I have found a lot of help and advice here and it has been great. I find right now i am fighting a losing battle. I really do feel i have just had enough of it and i really do need the suffering to end. I have a plan in my head and im trying hard to fight it, but it all seems pointless now.

[turqoise]

hey,

haven`t heard from you in a little while; how are you??

[RRB]

hey,

haven`t heard from you in a little while; how are you??

 

Im sorry i have not posted. Im still here. I have just been trying to deal with things in my own way lately and ive not really been online.

 

I feel in ways i have progressed for the better in some ways. Before i was having bad days and really bad days, now its more a case of ok days (not to bad but not great either) and bad days with the really bad becoming less and less. That does not mean i feel better about my life. In all honesty i feel i fight every day to stay alive and if im brutally honest the only thing keeping me on the planet is not having the guts to go through with it.

 

Im still off work and thats been 8 weeks now, sometimes i feel ready to go back but my occupational health person who calls me once a week feels im not ready.

 

Im now on new pills (Mirtazipine) i feel these are better in the sense that now i can sleep without trouble which is helping.

 

I was out tonight at a birthday bash for a girl at my place of work and i met up with a few workmates whom i have not seen in since i have been off. I was surprised that people had bee missing me at work and were asking when i would be back. It was nice in a way and i appreciated it.

 

Still though although i feel better in a way and can see light at the end of the tunnel but i still have this feeling of "i dont want it". I know my life could/will get better and that just maybe i could be happy again. My point is and a lot of people dont understand is that i really have had enough of my life. I really just dont want it anymore. I know myself pretty well and you can give me all the happy pills in the world and i know ill never be truly happy. I now realise its like alcoholism, i will fight this feeling all my life and although i dont think at this point i will end my life, i do know that deep down ill never be completely contented with being alive.

 

Im really not looking for anyone to say "hang in there it will get better" or words to that effect because i know now how clearly i am thinking and i know i wont end my life but i also know myself better than anyone and i know that i will be fighting my demons for the rest of my life.

 

Anyway im here and im alive.

[turqoise]

glad you`re still there...i had feared the worst. thats great you found a medication thats working, as well as someone who comes by and checks on you twice a week! i think depression is like breaking a leg - if its still sore then you dont tell someone that the pain`s going to go away because all that matters is what you`re feeling right now. yeah, i think you have every right to feel what you want to feel, but its great that you sound like your thoughts are getting a bit more balanced than before - that helps.

how did you go with the PS and protein and things? did you give them a go?

anyway, i only drop by here occasionally now as i found a site called myanxiety, which also has a sistersite called depressiontribe.

really glad to hear from you. big hugs!