Does it get better?

[Kia Kaha]

Heya.

 

Well. I have to say I've been looking at these posts for a while and they've been making me feel better... but I'm hitting a low patch again so I thought I would finally try writing... My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago - after telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me a couple of weeks beforehand. I had no idea there was anything wrong and felt completely secure, so it was the shock at first that was the worst thing. I completely and utterly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him... I knew it wasn't always perfect but I was willing to work at it. And there were great moments of perfection. He however said that because it wasn't perfect - he wanted to break up cause he was scared it was all going to get nasty... but he kept it very open-ended like we might get back together. I haven't heard from him since. It was ok for the first few weeks, perhaps because I was in denial, and also cause there was lots of drama and the friends gathered round and offered support you know? But now the loneliness has set in and I can't believe he doesn't feel it too and doesn't want me back. It's very hard. I feel like a big gaping wound most of the time... and it feels like it's getting worse, even though I'm doing all the right things, going out, seeing a counsellor, reading self-help books, writing a journal etc.

 

Does it get better? It feels like it never will sometimes... Help!

[terk2021]

Kia, I can certainly feel your pain. My fiance canceled our wedding 3 weeks before it, and talked about pushing it out further and further and further as time went along. I kicked her out, and it felt good at the time. Now I have a big house with memories of how great things once were. My friends have been telling me to leave her alone and give her her space. I have done the exact opposite, and now I find myself getting the occasional call to see how I am doing. When I ask if she still loves me, she is not sure. There is certainly a connection, otherwise she would not be calling.

 

I speak from the heart on this. MOVE ON. Get out there and meet people that want the same things that you do. If he loves you, and he may in fact love you, then you have to let him come back to you. You sound like a great person, and you deserve so much better.

 

It's been 4 months for me, and I still feel pain just about every day. If you have good friends around you, go out with them, have fun, and get back to doing the things you used to enjoy before you met this guy.

 

Like you, I have not found that counseling, books, and journals work... Best advice is to go out and try and have fun. If he loves you, he will come back. If he does not, you will be that much ahead in your recovery...

[DN]

I am not clear about why he broke up with you. Was it because he found he did not love you after all or were there specific things that had happened that caused it.

[Thunderforce]

I can relate totally to your pain. I'm going through it myself and it's all because of the 'open ending' He didn't shut the door in your face and that's difficult to deal with.

Try to see it yourself as a 'closed door' in silence, you don't need to tell him that. If he changes his mind it will be a nice surprise.

Just move on day by day and look on the internet for nice quotes, mantra's and spiritual thoughts.

You don't have to let go and you don't have to hold on. Be in a mental state like: what will be, will be. Eventually everything will fall in place: or you find someone new to love or he will be back. You don't get the anwers now but eventually you will know why did happened to you.

I know it's difficult! But just have faith that one way or the other you will be okay!

 

Wish you all the best!

Thunder

[Jayar]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear this. I've been there too. And yes, it definitely gets better. There are a couple of things you must understand (from experience):

 

First of all, he dumped you because he didn't want to be with you. That won't change. You are not his first choice, regardless of what he said. If he comes back, it's ONLY because the grass isn't greener (yet) but you will never have the same secure feeling you once had.

 

Secondly, he left it open ended either to keep you hanging on or to keep the door open just in case the grass isn't greener. He doesn't want you, but he needs a security net. It's a big scary world out there and it's nice to have somewhere soft to land. Remember that if he ever calls you or wants to get back together. Pretty insulting, isn't it?

 

Thirdly, there is someone out there who's first choice will be YOU. And they wouldn't even dream of picturing their world any other way. THAT is the man you want to be with, not this guy.

 

Lastly, whatever you thought you had was all in your head because he dumped you. It doesn't matter why he dumped you, or whether you saw it coming. All that matters is he took a look at the awesomeness that is you and thought to himself "nope, I think I'll try my luck elsewhere". Don't EVER let him come back. Don't ever let someone settle for you. He may have left it open ended, but that does NOT mean you have to leave the door open for him!

 

The above may sound harsh. But it's the truth and realizing it will help you heal. It's what I've told myself over and over again since my ex dumped me after over 2 years of planning our lives together. Only once you understand the truth will you be able to heal. Good luck, and the sun DOES shine again soon!

[Kia Kaha]

thanks guys, you are all so right in your own ways.

 

I'm not sure what the final thing that broke us up was? That's been one of the hardest things. I really don't think it was because he didn't 'love' me (but that depends on your definition of love I guess). He was completely and utterly cut up when the whole thing went down - I've never seen a grown man cry like that! I ended up comforting him - somewhat ironically...

 

I actually called the split in the end. He got completely * * * *ed up and confused for two weeks and said he didn't know if he wanted to split up and didn't contact me and kept me in limbo... it was awful, and so unfair and so I told him we couldn't go on like that and so we had to split. I realised I would never be able to trust him again if his feelings could so suddenly change - seemingly without his control.

 

I think he just thought everything should be perfect without having to work at it - whereas I relished the chance to become a better person by working through stuff. So he was never meeting me halfway with that, which made things really hard, cause I'm certainly not perfect all the time and never will be!

 

I think this will probably turn out to be a blessing in disguise (once I get over the grief). He had so many gorgeous qualities, but at the end of the day he was a tortured artist who was incapable of controlling his emotions - even when he knew he was hurting me. So - much better to find that out now than later down the track I guess? I would love to be with someone who likes working towards perfection instead of instantly having it you know? But do guys like that even exist? ; )

 

Just gotta sit out the hard stuff first. Thanks guys, you are amazing with helping with that... I appreciate it so much.

[jules12234]

Hi Kia

 

I feel for you. My ex did exactly the same 4 months ago. I didn't see it coming and he also gave the reason that he was scared that we would start fighting amongst some other rubbish reasons. I thought we were perfect and he kept me hanging on for 2.5 months and I eventually said no more and even then he wrote me a letter to say when he sorts his life out hopefully we can talk - so even then he couldn't shut the door.

 

So I shut the door for myself. You can do it. You have to do it. Start focussing totally on yourself. Once you decide that he is never coming back as how could you ever trust him with your feelings again, you will start to feel a little better.

 

You deserve a man who is willing to work out any problems and if he doesn't want to then at least have the decency to finish with you properly.

 

You will get there I promise.

 

You have lost very little - someone who wasn't prepared to love you as you deserve but he has lost an awful lot - you.