Tough time

[Biffy]

Hi folks,

 

Just wanted to have a little vent and get a little support.

 

My ex spilt up with my about 2 months ago - I'm 26, she's 23 - we were only together about 6 months but it really was the best 6 months of my life. Never felt such a special connection with someone before. We got together only 3 months after she got out of an abusive 3 year year relationship. I wasn't sure we should get together so soon as I didn't want to be the rebound guy but she said as long as we took it slow it wouldn't be a problem. We took it slow and after a couple of months it started getting quite serious. I treated her very well, I was very open with her, took her to nice places etc and gave her space and encouraged her to see her friends etc. Her mother and my ex agreed that I was the "perfect boyfriend" I wasn't "too nice" either though, I put my foot down when I thought I needed to.

 

After about 5 months we went on a holiday together for a week which was the longest we'd ever spent together and I think a holiday is often an acid test for a couple - we had an amazing time. When we got back we had a chat about where we were as a couple etc and she told me she was in love with me and can see us growing old together etc..

 

About a month later we went to lunch together (we work together) had a sneaky kiss and cuddle in the lift on the way back to our desks and then half an hour later she sent me an email breaking up with me... very classy.

 

She said she didn't want to be in a relationship etc... the usual nothing reasons. I did the whole begging, pleading bit initially and then initiated NC which is very hard when you work with your ex. She kept IMing/ emailing/ phoning me telling me how much she misses me - I told her that unless she wants to get back together I really don't want to hear from her... she kept visiting me at my desk for chats and tings like that. Then she went way for a couple of weeks with her friend in which there was total NC, and I healed a great deal in that time - when she came back to work she went straight back into phoning me up, visiting me at my desk etc and I've been acting completely normal with her, being outwardly happy, jovial but short and sweet, "under-staying my welcome" as super_dave would say. The more distant I've been the more she contacted me.

 

Last Friday I had lunch with one of her work colleagues that I've know just as long as my ex, a little while after we had lunch the colleague phoned me up in tears saying that my ex had quizzed her as to what I've been saying about my ex and what I'm up to these days and when the colleague told her that she wasn't mentioned my ex told her that she didn't know why I talk to this colleague as I "have never liked her and think she's annoying"

 

That blew my mind, I imagine that my ex said it out of jealousy... very weird though.

 

Then I made the cardinal error of drunk-dialing her on Saturday night - it started off just chatting about his and that and then we started discussing "us" again and she said that our 6 months together were amazing and she loves and misses me but just needs to be by herself and that we probably won't reconcile. So I told her to stop contacting and she still is but only at work.

 

I'm so gutted, I've taken this break up worse than any others before - including a 3 year one in which my partner had cheated on me. I'm hopefully going to be leaving this job at the end of the month so that will help me heal I'm sure and it will let her experience life completely without me in it. I'm trying to stop wanting to get back together with her and hoping that she will change her mind but it's proving hard.

 

I am doing so much better these days though and I feel a lot stronger and happier but I still have lots of pain in bursts but less frequent bursts than before. I am keeping busy, I'm enjoying myself with friends and getting in pretty darn good shape too. But in these past 2 months I've been hounded by a previous ex who I became friends again (she wants to get back together with me), I was involved in a very nasty car accident (2 broken ribs and concussion), one of my friends killed himself and 2 of my relatives are weeks away from death in hospice beds.

 

So yeah, having a tough time of it of late but I can feel myself coming through this so much stronger. Comments and support would be lovely - sorry if this long, rambling nonsense!

[annie24]

wow. that is so strange. i don't understand how one minute she was lovey-dovey, and the next, she broke up. what happened?

 

it sounds like she has a lot of issues to work through. i am sorry this relationship didn't work out for you.

[Biffy]

I know, the whole thing just blows my mind.

 

I can't have any regrets though as looking back I honestly don't think I could have been a boyfriend if I tried - I'd learned my lessons from past relationships and applied them in this one. I was loving, considerate, open, honest and at the same time I didn't allow myself to be walked over.

 

Maybe I'll get it right next time!

 

And yes, I think she does have some issues - her friends have phoned me up saying exactly that.

[finewhine]

Zombiain - repeat after me - "I deserve better."

 

You sound like a caring, considerate guy with a good head on his shoulders. You just fell for the wrong person.

 

The facts:

1. This woman has just gotten out of a three year abusive relationship.

 

2. People who suffer three years of abuse are bound to have issues (if they didn't before the abuse, they sure will after)

 

3. It takes a long time to get over a three year relationship enough to become deeply involved with someone else (I know, I got out of one myself), way, way longer than three months.

 

All the odds were against you in this relationship. You could have been the perfect boyfriend - I don't doubt that one bit. However, nothing about her circumstances lent themselves to a solid commitment.

 

She was kind to break things off with you because she knows that she's being unfair to you by keeping you tied to someone who's in NO WAY ready to reciprocate his feelings.

 

It's good that you're switching jobs. Here's what I would suggest - tell yourself there's no hope of reconciliation. You don't want to reconcile with her, trust me. After you broke up, she used you for emotional support. Isn't that enough to banish thoughts of getting back together?

 

I am so sorry you have all these horrible things happening to you right now. When it rains, it pours.

[preppyusa]

Wow. What a 360 she pulled on you. But just think about this..hands down, you were her rebound guy no doubt. Three months after a 3-year relationship is definitely too soon. But I applaud you for being so patient with her and taking it one step at a time and lasting as long as it did..6 months is a long time after such a long previous relationship. I am very confused about the e-mail breakup..that is way out of line and very stupid I think. I met a woman that I dated for a few months, and she had just gotten out of a 1 1/2 year relationship. I tried so hard to be patient, but I made the mistake and starting pushing. I still regret it to this day, because we had a great relationship. And in these kind of situations, these hurt the most. It's nothing you did at all, nor is it her as well. The TIMING was just bad. She is going to have issues because she was in a abusive relationship. That is normal. It could take her a very long time to get back to her normal self. I really truly believe that it is all about timing in these situations.

[Biffy]

Thanks for the replies everyone, can't wait to get out of this job so I can really start to heal without having to see her everyday.

 

I just wish I could stop wanting her back.

[Biffy]

Grrrr... she keeps contacting me. I don't understand it, if she doesn't want to be with me why does she keep contacting me?

 

Doesn't bother me most of the time but it does occasionaly piss me off as it plants little seeds in my head that maybe she's regretting her decision and changing her mind. Then common sense kicks in and tells me that she would let me know if that were the case... probably.

[annie24]

block her calls. block her e-mail address.

[Biffy]

I can't as I work with her, and all this contact comes only at work.

[RominQwerty]

I had the same thing.

 

My ex told me she was sleeping with someone, i felt my heart break, I told her to get out my life and she won't leave me alone. The story of her sleeping with someone keeps changing.

 

She now wants me to lend her £300 in exchange she'll give me sex.

 

OBviously I'm not interested.

 

You, like me deserve better.

[hulk7280]

I know, the whole thing just blows my mind.

 

I can't have any regrets though as looking back I honestly don't think I could have been a boyfriend if I tried - I'd learned my lessons from past relationships and applied them in this one. I was loving, considerate, open, honest and at the same time I didn't allow myself to be walked over.

 

Maybe I'll get it right next time!

 

And yes, I think she does have some issues - her friends have phoned me up saying exactly that.

 

you need to stop putting blame on yourself.. you said it yourself you coulnt have been a better bf.. there ya go.. so why beat yourself up over it..she is a crazy chic who prolly likes to be treated badly.. i know its hard giving up on somone you cared a lot about.. I am going through the same thing.. but its like how many times can you beat a dead horse...

[hulk7280]

I had the same thing.

 

My ex told me she was sleeping with someone, i felt my heart break, I told her to get out my life and she won't leave me alone. The story of her sleeping with someone keeps changing.

 

She now wants me to lend her £300 in exchange she'll give me sex.

 

OBviously I'm not interested.

 

You, like me deserve better.

 

lol that sounds like prositution not a loan..lol

[Biffy]

you need to stop putting blame on yourself.. you said it yourself you coulnt have been a better bf.. there ya go.. so why beat yourself up over it..she is a crazy chic who prolly likes to be treated badly.. i know its hard giving up on somone you cared a lot about.. I am going through the same thing.. but its like how many times can you beat a dead horse...

 

 

Thanks Hulk, that's good advice and I had best take it as I wouldn't want to make you angry... I imagine I wouldn't like you when you're angry.

 

Anyone have any clues why she keeps looking at me?

 

I am a sexy * * * * * but she didn't look over at me THIS much when we were together...