I was stupid, crazy, and foolish. Can I change?

[movealong]

I feel like I'm stupid and crazy. I look back on e-mails I've written and think "oh my God" how could I have ever written that? It started about 7 years ago. I was on the verge of closing a big business deal and I (along with others) messed it up. I read some of the e-mails I sent then, thinking wow I was crazy.

 

It happen again every year or so. I would be working and trying hard to succeed, and then I'd have a moment of self-reflection and start doubting myself.

 

This last year has been especially hard for me. A lot of unfortunate things happened to me, but I tried to go past it. I make some great accomplishments this year but also failed horribly on some things.

 

I just can't help forgive myself for writing some crazy things (both personal and business e-mails) and saying/doing crazy things.

 

They're not all crazy...there's reasons and causes for it all. For instance, bragging about something could just show my lack of self-esteem or my need to validate myself to others. Rambling on and on trying to prove I was right and someone else was wrong. Or believing what others said/promised before things were signed in contracts.

 

I'm trying to forgive myself by using this great advice: "The past is history. You will never be able to change it. Instead, accept the fact that whatever you did, your choices were based on your level of knowledge and awareness at the time."

 

I wasn't crazy in the sense that I imagined things or made up stuff. I'm am guilty of embellishing a bit, but I've also had a lot of unbelievable things happen to me. However, I think I feel so frustrated, so slighted, so lost that I've carelessly bragged about the few good things in my life.

 

Anyway, I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born rich. Or if I had a stable family. Or if I grew up somewhere else. Or if I never tried to be the contrarion and just went with the flow of things.

 

All I seek is stability and normalcy. I'd be happy, I know that. What happens to you in life can have divine purpose, but life is random. You can find reason in what happens to you, but it doesn't mean that it had to happen. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

Realizing the crazy things I've done, said and wrote in the past makes me feel suicidal. I feel stupid, embarrassed, and insane. I know if my past ignorant actions were available to the public, I'd literally die. All I can do is remind myself that this crazy society and my foolish mistakes can be overcome with new knowledge and a greater awareness of myself. Change is inevitable, I just have to forgive myself for being too stupid and too superficial in the past.

 

Who am I? I just want to be myself, but when you dislike who you are (or part of you) you have to find a way to reinvent yourself.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey movealong - Welcome aboard!

 

I think I know what you're talking about. I tend to say or blurt things without thinking - at least that's what my husband says - and later, upon reflection and explanation from others, realised what a freaky thing that was to say. Ya know, the kind of thing that GOES with the converstaion and someone may actually be thinking it, but most know it's sort of inappropriate to say aloud?! Yep - that's me, the one who will say it.

 

But my mother does that a lot as well. She says sort of zany, off the wall things that people just go, "uhhh, yeh, OK!"

 

I dunno where it comes from, why it happens or how to stop it. That whole, think before you speak thing, tends to escape me most of the time. Especially when wine is involved.

 

But I have happened accross previous e-mails or letters too and been like, WHAT WAS I THINKING!??

 

I feel ya......

[Beec]

OK, three suggestions, because if you want to improve at this, then you should do so. First, take your time. Slow down, don't blurt out things, don't send things bang, bang. Second, find people to use as sounding boards before you send them. In my office, hardly anything goes out when only one person has looked at it. In my family, we send each other things all the time to look at. Third, begin to concentrate not on how you think you feel about something when you write and speak, but imaigne how your audience is going to feel hearing it. Listen to it, read it before you send it, and think of how it would hit you.

[Caterina]

I'm guessing that this feeling will be momentary. Its basically unnecessary shame. Everyone makes mistakes and who knows if what you said were really mistakes. THE PAST is the past, leave it there. Every day is new and its up to you to drop the baggage and look forward to a bright new try each and every day. We start out knowing nothing in this world, how is it that you expect to not make mistakes. YOu aren't crazy.

[sfindependent]

but do you apologize for it or ignore it like it never happened or said?

[Princess777]

I know exactly what you mean too. I look back on a LOT of writings I've had and think Good God I was an idiot. But the bright side is that now we are wiser, hence, we see it.

 

That in itself should make you smile.

 

I agree with some of the other suggestions - I now often re-write things several times before sending them, and usually by the time I send them, they are about a tenth of the size they were from the beginning and a lot more calm. Try to remember that before you send something out. A good tool is your own body - know when you are escalated in anger or emotion and don't write when you are. Let yourself calm down before writing. You will see a huge difference in your tact and choice of words.

 

I hope this helps some. Good luck.

 

Princess777

[movealong]

Thanks for all of your responses. They were very helpful.

 

Princess777, great advice. I remember the HALT acronym; hunger anger lonely tired -- never make decisions under those circumstances.

 

The most important thing is just to rationalize the mistakes by lack of knowledge and experience. And thus to get past the 'reactive mind' and focus on the future.