movealong

Thanks for all of your responses. They were very helpful. Princess777, great advice. I remember the HALT acronym; hunger anger lonely tired -- never make decisions under those circumstances. The most important thing is just to rationalize the mistakes by lack of knowledge and experience. And thus to get past the 'reactive mind' and focus on the future.

I feel like I'm stupid and crazy. I look back on e-mails I've written and think "oh my God" how could I have ever written that? It started about 7 years ago. I was on the verge of closing a big business deal and I (along with others) messed it up. I read some of the e-mails I sent then, thinking wow I was crazy. It happen again every year or so. I would be working and trying hard to succeed, and then I'd have a moment of self-reflection and start doubting myself. This last year has been especially hard for me. A lot of unfortunate things happened to me, but I tried to go past it. I make some great accomplishments this year but also failed horribly on some things. I just can't help forgive myself for writing some crazy things (both personal and business e-mails) and saying/doing crazy things. They're not all crazy...there's reasons and causes for it all. For instance, bragging about something could just show my lack of self-esteem or my need to validate myself to others. Rambling on and on trying to prove I was right and someone else was wrong. Or believing what others said/promised before things were signed in contracts. I'm trying to forgive myself by using this great advice: "The past is history. You will never be able to change it. Instead, accept the fact that whatever you did, your choices were based on your level of knowledge and awareness at the time." I wasn't crazy in the sense that I imagined things or made up stuff. I'm am guilty of embellishing a bit, but I've also had a lot of unbelievable things happen to me. However, I think I feel so frustrated, so slighted, so lost that I've carelessly bragged about the few good things in my life. Anyway, I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born rich. Or if I had a stable family. Or if I grew up somewhere else. Or if I never tried to be the contrarion and just went with the flow of things. All I seek is stability and normalcy. I'd be happy, I know that. What happens to you in life can have divine purpose, but life is random. You can find reason in what happens to you, but it doesn't mean that it had to happen. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Realizing the crazy things I've done, said and wrote in the past makes me feel suicidal. I feel stupid, embarrassed, and insane. I know if my past ignorant actions were available to the public, I'd literally die. All I can do is remind myself that this crazy society and my foolish mistakes can be overcome with new knowledge and a greater awareness of myself. Change is inevitable, I just have to forgive myself for being too stupid and too superficial in the past. Who am I? I just want to be myself, but when you dislike who you are (or part of you) you have to find a way to reinvent yourself.