Is this normal dumper behaviour??

[flooglebinder]

Been broke up a couple of months now. Out of the blue, she dumped me, and wanted no contact. that lasted maybe a few days. Slowly but surely the contact has got more frequent - always her txting or emailing. It got to be daily, not alot but still contact, now she has started asking what I'm up to all the time AND now she has convinced herself I've met someone, which I havent for obvious reasons. I don't ask her anything about what she's up to, I don't want to know. I keep telling her I havent, and she keeps fishing, telling me to move on. Oh, and now the odd txt ends with a X. I even tried to politely remind her that we shouldnt be in contact, which she didn't like.

 

She's in Russia for a week at the mo, before she went she said 'I'm sure you'll hear from me'. I wasnt expecting to, well Its been every day so far!. Its like she said it to make sure I knew she'd be in contact.

 

Is this normal behaviour? Whats she up to?

[sparkle1]

Define 'normal behaviour' and you'll make a million!!

 

I think she wants you back.....

 

No its not normal behaviour....although me and my ex are still in contact it isn't frequent and most certainly not on a daily level. I don't ask him about other people - but he asks me. However he is totally insecure.

 

Do youwant her back?

[Meena]

What i think is that she needs to be in constant touch with you because she hasn't forgotten you and wants to constantly embarrass you by calling you X. neither does she want that you forget her and be happy in your own life.

Maybe she is trying to make you feel that its because of you the breakup occurred and now even if you want her back she will not be back to you...

things like that.

Im sure her only motto is to see u sad without her..that shall satisfy her ego!

this is very normal though for those who dont want their partners to feel good without them even after breakup. they just want them to be around and sad all the time. Once you get into any relationship she will truly break and realize her mistake. Right now she is enjoying fishing around and taunting you and so on. If you really have thought to breakup with her you must notr have any contact or invite any contact with her. tell her clearly..if she doesnt agree..tell her that you are in another relationship and the other girl doesnt like this contact.

[flooglebinder]

Yes I would say I do want her back tho I don't think that would happen.

 

I'm not sure if she does miss me or she is just lonely or something. I do however feel that something is brewing. Thing is I know her better than she knows herself.

 

Although I'd like to just sit down and say 'right, whats going on, why are you being like this?' Its hard as we havent seen or physically spoken to each other since the break up.

[sparkle1]

well if you do confront - will she be putting you in a predicament?

 

What was the break down of your relationship?

 

x

[flooglebinder]

I suppose she will put me in a predicament depending on her answers.

 

She would either say she missed me and we should talk, had moved on but wanted to be friends or admit that she was lonely and didn't want me to think bad of her.

 

I would think number 2 would be her answer right now. However history suggests otherwise.

 

Hmm, the break up. Loved me to bits, went on holiday, different person when she came back. Same thing happened last year, til her holiday bubble burst, took 8 months to get back together. Have a feeling the bubbles burst again and she's back to reality. She's like that. It was a complicated relationship, she has controlling folks, still lives with them, 13 year age gap, and I have 2 kids. didn't matter to her before her hol.

[sparkle1]

OK firstly - you had the kids before she went away. Take on a man with children....you take everything on.

 

She done this last year...who won who back? What was your game plan then? are you playing the same game hoping it will work again?

 

Do you really want someone in your life and your childrens who can do this when ever they please? or do you and your kids deserve so much more? with security? or is it you like the chase? and you like second guessing her?

 

Controlling folks? and? your point here is what? they don't make the choice she is making to be a different person once she is back from hols!

 

p.s = sorry for taking ages to reply!!

 

Sparkle xx

[flooglebinder]

She knew I had kids the day I met her nearly 3yrs ago. The first night of her holiday she told me that she wasnt going to let the kids thing spoil us and just wanted us to be together. Then virtually overnight half way thru her hols she changed, became v distant.

 

Similar thing happened last year, then it took 8 months to get back together. At first I tried to talk her round but then gave up but we still kept in touch. She started seeing someone which think made her realise what she had lost and then I guess she started a 'plan' to try and rescue us. Which worked. For me it was vindication of what I already knew, that she loved me full stop. Problem is now, I still think she does.

 

She lives with her folks, they dont want her to be with someone who who has 'baggage'. And she has a problem standing up for herself with them.

 

I don't like trying to second guess her, but I do. I know her better than anyone, better than anyone has or will.

 

I understand what you say about 'security' and I have a saying for her - she changes her mind like she changes her knickers! But, when you have let someone in far deeper than anyone else has ever gone you put up with their bad bits cos the good bits outweigh them.

 

Getting back to the post, she knows herself by staying in contact there is a risk for both of us that we will not move on and start the cycle all over again. So if she knows that, then why is she doing it?

 

thanks for listening sparkle x

[sparkle1]

The first night of her holiday she told me that she wasnt going to let the kids thing spoil us and just wanted us to be together

 

I can't answer that as it makes my blood boil. SPOIL?! SPOIL?!

 

For me it was vindication of what I already knew, that she loved me full stop. Problem is now, I still think she does.

 

Know or hope? She wouldn't walk away again surely if she got it so wrong the last time. She sounds a bit of a chaser....

 

they dont want her to be with someone who who has 'baggage'. And she has a problem standing up for herself with them.

 

Children are diamonds. Not baggage. (had to say that). OK....well she is unable to stand up to her folk - but more then able to kick you n the Balls when ever she feels like it? don't underestimate her...you can't go from one person to another - you're strong or not. She's strong with you....why can't she be with them? Usually the more parents dig in - the more that person wants it?

 

when you have let someone in far deeper than anyone else has ever gone you put up with their bad bits cos the good bits outweigh them.

 

Fair one. But where is the line?

 

she knows herself by staying in contact there is a risk for both of us that we will not move on and start the cycle all over again. So if she knows that, then why is she doing it?

 

You know the answer. She doesn't want the children by the sounds of it, and uses her folks to make that excuse. Coupled with breaking up is the panic - "what if's?" she's clinging on.....simple. She knows you could go out and find someone who deserves you and your kids.....she's scared. BUT i don't think you'll break this destructive circle until you're ready...

 

 

Always here to listen - sorry if i'm blunt XXX

[flooglebinder]

Its good to be blunt sparkle - probably what I need!

 

I think deep down she does love me but her heads telling her not to if that makes sense. What do you mean by chaser?

 

The 'me finding someone else' is quite apt - she was convinced I'd met someone just last week! and acted all cool about it saying 'you've got to move on'. Well I havent met any one.

 

She keeps fishing around wanting to know what I'm up to aswell.

 

I can't see why she would want to cling on if it was her decision to break up. She was very clear about needing to move on. Maybe she's done it already!

 

And surely if I'm not ready to break this circle then she REALLY isn't ready??

 

And if we're both not ready then we have a HUGE problem that at the moment we are both avoiding??

 

Keep slapping me round the face sparkle xx

[sparkle1]

You don't need slapping! If you did i would....you're just sounding like your own emotions in all of this....

 

I think deep down she does love me but her heads telling her not to if that makes sense. What do you mean by chaser?

 

Deep down? shouldn't be that deep that you need a fishing rod to get a bite.

Chaser. She likes the adrenalin buzz of break up and get back together. Of chasing you. It worked before. perhaps she knows if she clicked her fingers you'd go running back..the more yoiu chase - the faster she runs. Personally i think she is playing a game. Either that she doesnt care you can go and find someone else (which byother post you did) OR that you wont get any one better? because of your so called 'bagage".

 

The minute you say no more- and MEAN it. She'll come flooding back - bet ya.

 

Fishing around wanting to know what you are up to - is all about control. And you're letting her have that control by telling her snippets of your life. PUll it back. She'll hate it.

 

And surely if I'm not ready to break this circle then she REALLY isn't ready

But shes already done it!! but knows she can get you back. If you break the circle.....and MEAN it....she has no control. How can she come back???

 

And if we're both not ready then we have a HUGE problem that at the moment we are both avoiding??

 

Not ready for what hun?

 

****SLAP********

 

Sparkle x

[flooglebinder]

HaHa!! youre funny!

 

I meant if we are both not ready to break all contact. Yes I'll admit I reply to her txts n emails but I don't give much away at all. Well I havent met someone really, I saw her just twice and nothing happened.

 

She hasn't broken the circle, she's still in touch, breaking it would mean no contact - at all ever! right?

 

But you are right, every time we have broken up we've got back together after her finding out I've been on a date or something. Then yes she's reeled me back in!! My god this is madness!!

 

Feel like telling her to put up or shut up - but then she has control again! OR I could be completely wrong and she could think 'what on earth are you thinking, I'm just being friendly, I thought you knew that' kinda thing - and that would leave me feeling v v foolish!!

 

My face is hurting with all the slaps now!

[sparkle1]

I meant if we are both not ready to break all contact. Yes I'll admit I reply to her txts n emails but I don't give much away at all

 

i bet you £10 or $10 (wherever you are from!) that what you tell her is enough to know a) you're not with someone else b) you're not out actively seeking someone else c) that you're life is pretty much the same as it was when you were together = "he still misses me"

 

Trust me. Us women are very cunning when it comes to a) reading between the lines b) finding out enough information to make our ego's happy for another day.

 

She hasn't broken the circle, she's still in touch, breaking it would mean no contact - at all ever! right?

 

Oh deary me!! How old are you? how long have you been datin women for?!? lol. I didn't say she'd broken the circle - i said YOU need to break it!! She's happy as larry having you dangling along until she wants something... N/C doesn't have to be forever. It means having no contact until you can handle your emotions for the person - and deal with them without crumbling....

 

But you are right, every time we have broken up we've got back together after her finding out I've been on a date or something.

 

She doesn't want you - but doesn't want anyone else to either. Typical controlling and insecure quallities. Don't be fooled. When she comes back - its because the adrenaline got pumping....its a game to her.

 

My god this is madness!!

 

Need i say more?!?!?

 

 

Feel like telling her to put up or shut up - but then she has control again! OR I could be completely wrong and she could think 'what on earth are you thinking, I'm just being friendly, I thought you knew that' kinda thing - and that would leave me feeling v v foolish!!

 

SAY NOTHING. You don't need to ask for explanations. You don't need her pity, you definitely don't need to feel foolish. Just ignore her. And what ever you do don't ask her why she is doing something - you'll draw attention to the fact you've notices = CONTROL regained by her.

 

My face is hurting with all the slaps now

 

LOL - no more slaps today! xx

[Biffy]

This is all excellent advice Sparkle.

 

I spent a while chasing my ex around like a little lost puppy trying to reconcile with her. Now I'm being Mr. Aloof, moving on nicely whilst still wanting to get back with her. Now she's starting to contact me more and more and flirting with me etc and I'm being very cordial, jovial but in very small amounts.

 

She's trying to pry information out of my friends about what I'm up to etc and just like me they ain't telling her anything.

[sparkle1]

Zombiain...

 

Thank you for your post!! I just say it as i see it....and being a girl i kinda know the games we play (as such) and that the biggest turn on for us - is a man playing hard to get (not many women would admit it, but none of us want a lap dog!)

 

You're doing the correct thing Zom...you're playing her back. See how quickly we come running?

 

XX

[flooglebinder]

Hi sparkle!

 

It's £10 actually!

 

I struggle to understand how someone who was so close to you can be and think like this. Like she actually knows what she is doing??!

 

But thinking about it you are mostly right!

 

I have to have the control back.

 

I have to make her understand subtly that my world doesnt revolve around her.

 

It would be interesting to see how she reacts!

[sparkle1]

But you have to mean it!! No point in doing this half heartedly - otherwise you'll be devastated if it doesn't work.

 

Pull back control.

 

Yes i do believe she knows what she is doin - can't say for sure, but i think so. You should take faith in that..she's not simply "confused" she is doing this to get a reaction - and by all accounts, you're giving her everthing she wants.

 

do you love her? really love her? Or is it that you've been rejected and are chasing the dream?

 

X

[flooglebinder]

Unfortunately yes I really love her, and she knows that. Or at least she did.

 

Tried to convince myself so many times it was rejection or dreaming and so have other people.

 

Sad innit!

[sparkle1]

Nope - not sad. Sad would be in denial and not admitting to feelings and emotions....(IMO)

 

Admitting how you are feeling is the best way to accepting. Once you accept what has happened....and that you are powerless to change someone else or the situation - you regrain control and self worth which in turn will make you happy.

 

going by our post - she doesn't deserve you.

 

(see i can be nice....sometimes!)

 

Sparkle x

[flooglebinder]

Thanks sparkle!

 

Yep, everyone has told me I'm too good for her, which on the face of it is probably true.

 

Can't help how I feel about her tho. Thats a big hurdle.

 

Thing is, she's not doing herself any favours in the long run by staying in touch is she? she must know that.

[sparkle1]

Why you worrried about her feelings?!???

 

She has just Shat all over you BIG time....why on earth would you take one moment to consider her feelings when she clearly has no regard for yours!!!

 

I'm not made of stone - i am weak too at times, but i can be honest and say that i deserve a hell of a lot better then all of my ex's. One day you'll look back and see it too.....but you have to move forward first!

[sparkle1]

flooglebinder - how are you doing today?

 

Strong or weak day? (slap or hugs?!? lol)

 

Sparkle xx

[flooglebinder]

Hey sparkle!!

 

Today I feel confused, maybe you should give me a slug!!!

 

more txts from russia.

 

arrghh!!

[sparkle1]

Russia?!?

 

Who what when why?!?

 

You're confused...you should try being blonde...and not having a clue what you are on about! lol

[flooglebinder]

she's in russia with work this week. I didn't expect to hear anything from her but have just about every day.

 

I'm nearly blonde, but you seem to know what you are talking about!!

 

I should just treat this as her being friendly, and I'm being friendly back, but, I sent her a sarcastic reply about the food over there to which she said 'thanx i love u 2'. AARRGGHH!!! why why why why why!!!!!

 

slap hug slap hug slap hug!