husband cheating?

[worried614]

well about 20 mins before we had our talk I found another email, one he ahd written to his friend. in the email he spoke about this girl and how much he liked her, how he really "connected" with her. You can only imagine how sad/outraged I was and how difficult it was to keep my composure while talking to him. He told me that he didnt cheat physically but that there are definitely feeligns there. He admitted to going with her to the movies and dinner. He said that he loves me but he still feels something for her. When I asked him if he wanted us to separate he really did not give me a straight answer. I believe that is what he wants to do, I believe he wants to pursue her. I am numb, I cannot believe that all this has happened. I never expected my husband to stray and never for someone so much younger.

[moonbeam111]

I am sorry. I admire you for keeping calm and civil during "the talk" after you had discovered so much about his infidelity.

 

Do you want separation? What do you really want?

[worried614]

: I love my husband but after this I don't see myself ever trusting him again. If I make him stop seeing her he will either A. do it behind my back or B. hate me for it. I think we need to talk more before I make a decision. I find myself hating this girl for helping to ruin my marriage. Whenever we're all together she has the attention of every man in the room. There is not one man who does not seem to lust after her, first for her looks then after they speak to her for the combnation of her intelligence and looks. I never thought I'd be jealous of a nineteen year old much less have her come between me and my husband.

[moonbeam111]

You are so right about point A and B. Again, after everything that happened you are able to think so clearly.

 

Whoever came between you and your husband does not really matter. If you start thinking about her and hating her, you would just displace your anger. She can be half naked in a room with lots of men, but it was your husband who chose to act out on his feelings, approach her, and fall "in love" with her.

[worried614]

I suppose you're right. I jsut do not want to see her because it hurts so much and tomorrow night we are all supposed to go see her in a show shes in and then go out with her for her birthday. I cant just not go without everyone asking/wondering, plus we paid for these tickets already. An hour and a half of my husband having to watch her and then us going to dinner does not seem appealing to me at the moment. I don't think this has all quite hit me yet.

[texami]

oh, i'm so sorry for what's going on. you have our thoughts and support...

 

meanwhile, i wouldn't worry about the cost of a ticket and other people asking/wondering about you in a time like this! if you don't want to go and put on a happy face, i wouldn't. but, you might just drive yourself crazy alone at home, too. do you have someone close that you could spend time with? i'm sure it is a difficult decision, but i wouldn't worry about other people or a few bucks when you are going through what you are right now.

[lolz]

I'm really sorry to hear about what's going on

 

I really advise you not go there... and if your husband is really interested is saving this marriage he wouldn't go either. It all depends on him now...

[Cadence308]

This is really sad and you seem like such a nice woman who does not deserve to have her husband running around on her. I can't believe that this has been going on and you didn't say something sooner. It made me read some stuff about affairs online. This is what one website defined as an affair: relationship experts maintain that any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a partner constitutes an affair.

 

Everything that your husband is doing with this girl constitutes an affair. One article talked about how the person having an affair is often in denial about the level of intimacy in the affair, brushing the person off as a colleague or a friend, which is what your husband is doing with this girl.

 

I think you did the right thing by snooping around in his emails. Now you are in the loop of what has been going on and you were able to confront your husband about it. Have you thought about discussing this with someone professionally?

 

I don't think that I would be going to the theatre and dinner with everyone to celebrate her birthday. I think that you should vocalize this with your husband and DEMAND that he not go and NOT see her any more if he still loves you and is still committed to you.

 

One website gave this advice:

 

Tips to help avoid affairs

• Be open - honesty is the key to avoiding affairs. Share any temptations with your partner and agree to support each other.
  
• Be close - build and maintain emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship. The closer you are, the stronger you are.
  
• Be smart - don't slip into complacency: everyone is vulnerable to temptation.
  
• Be alert - if you find yourself feeling attracted to someone, take action to avoid getting any closer.
  
• Behave - if you'd describe yourself as a natural flirt, remember: if you don't want to get burned, don't play with fire.

[worried614]

thank you everyone for supporting me during this time. As far as tonights show goes, I really dont have a choice, my niece is also in the show and she is only 5 and it is her first performance. My husband just spoke to me when he got home a few minutes ago and told me he was sorry that this was happening but that he couldn't help it. I know in my heart he wants to pursue this with her, now its just a matter of us going through the seperation/divorce process. Well I'm off to have a grand old miserable time pretending to be happy as my husband lusts after a nineteen year old. I'll be back once I get home. Thanks to everyone once again.

[worried614]

well Im back home, what an evening. It was evident tonight how much he cared for her. The birthday gift he got her required so much thought and effort, and he seemed so proud to see her on stage. It killed me, but it wasn't what killed me the most. What killed me the most was the goodbyes. When we all said goodbye to eachother and it came time for them to do the usual hug/kiss on cheek thing they stoppped and looked at eachother. I dont think they thought anyone was watching because there were so many of us...but they were caught in a "moment". They were staring at eachother with desire/love whatever you want to call it. Then he just touched her face and came through the crowd to join me. On the ride home we discussed this entire situation further. He told me he did not want to lose me so he would not have contact with her. I do not think it will work, I think missing her will kill him inside. How did all this happen..

[Juliana]

I am truly astonished that this man would think that he could have anything with a 19 year old. I wonder how long this romance would last if he was to put any serious claim to her....

[worried614]

i know what you mean. At first I thought that it wouldnt last, that she might even be terrified if he truly pursued her but now I think differently. She seems to yearn for his attention, if he leaves the table she searches for him with her eyes. She even ignores the flirtations of other men around her where as before she would laugh along now she just ignores it completely...unless its coming from my husband. Maybe she really fell for him...i seriously dont know.

[lolz]

I'm really glad your husband is willing to work on this and save the family. But how is he planning to stop everything? If this girl actually fell for him this will be quite a hard thing to do because she will be the one to initiate the contact.... I'm also worried if what he said is just words and he will be seeing her behind your back. So just keep an eye on him and check e-mails from time to time.

[Cadence308]

I am truly astonished that this man would think that he could have anything with a 19 year old.

 

The poster has already said that this 19 year old woman is very beautiful internally and externally, as well as educated and well off. I could see why any single man would be interested in her.

 

The point is that he is married and should be committed to his wife, not out pursuing someone else. He is hurting his wife as she is watching all of this going on. In the end I think that all three people will be very hurt because this man did not keep his distance the way that one should when in a committed, intimate relationship.

[worried614]

Well just when I thought it could not get any worse, it does. I was checking up on his emails and apparently I missed one that he sent to one of his friends awhile ago. Apparently this girl was his student 7 years ago (yes he was a teacher). In the email he tells his friend how they always spoke to eachother even when he was her teacher but it was only during school and it was never an attraction until now, that he used to simply like speaking to her. They apparently lost contact after she graduated and did not see eachother until now. How weird is that. Does this mean he was beginning to like her even back then regardless of what the email says? I do not believe they (my husband and the girl) have spoken about their past considering it was never mentioned in their emails..maybe its just too weird for them?

[lolz]

I really doubt he liked her when he was 12 year old!! That's simply not right! It's just when people are in love they start paying close attention to the way they met their subject of attraction and usually consider it as fait and something that was meant to be. Most likely 7 years ago she was just like any student to him but after he met her again, when she grew up and became beautiful attractive woman he fell for, those moments of her when she was a kid became special to him all of a sudden just like anything esle that has something do to with her...books, moves, music, etc.

[Rabican]

I think that I would simply tell your man that you are done with him while he pursues another woman. I would begin filing for divorce, in the meantime collect any emails, text logs, phone bills etc. to show what he is doing. If at some point he comes around and decides to drop her completely (ie no contact whatsoever, ever again) then you can consider giving him another chance. But I know I could not even see the guy in my house knowing that all the while hes working on woman #2.

[Helen67]

I think that I would simply tell your man that you are done with him while he pursues another woman. I would begin filing for divorce, in the meantime collect any emails, text logs, phone bills etc. to show what he is doing. If at some point he comes around and decides to drop her completely (ie no contact whatsoever, ever again) then you can consider giving him another chance. But I know I could not even see the guy in my house knowing that all the while hes working on woman #2.

 

 

As much as it pains me, I agree with Rabican, not about having to agree with Rabican, but of seeing no other option now.

 

Although filing for divorce seems too extreme, is there not a chance for a trial separation? Your husband obviously still loves you very much, and well to a point has at least been honest with you. What I'm trying to say is that if he does finally get this woman out of his system, you would probably be able to believe him when he says he has cut all ties with her.

 

Staying in your marriage at this moment can surely only damage your sense and sensabilities, which up until now you have proven you have control over. But how long will this last living in the same house, with a man like Rabican says is working on woman #2.

 

I would hate to read on here Worried that you had started to deteriorate in mind and logic, because you couldn't feel strong enough to leave. I hope you are strong enough, but anyway ultimately it's your own decision.

 

I'm sticking with my mid-life crisis theory for your husband, and given some space and time, that he will eventually come to his senses. But hey, I'm only looking from the outside in, so this is just my own input.

 

All the best, we are all with you whatever you decide...xx

[worried614]

well last night my husband told me that he could not get this girl out of his mind. He said he wants a seperation. I told him that I refuse to seperae just so he can go see what he wants with this other girl. I told him I want a divorce. I love my husband but I refuse to wait around while he decides who he wants o be with. Mid life crisis or not I do not deserve it, if it is a mid life crisis he should tell himself its a phase and not risk our enitre marriage for this girl.

[lolz]

What did he reply when you offered him a divorce?? Did he agree to it or was scared to loose you???

[worried614]

he seemed surprised but he said that if that is what i felt like i had to do then thats what would be done. He really has something for this girl apparently.

[Helen67]

I'm sorry Worried, I'm sure that was not the answer from him that you wanted to hear.

 

I still find it hard to believe, that there could be any future for them. But now you don't really have any other option execpt to file.

 

My heart is breaking for you right now, I'm sorry that's probably not what you need to read, I think you are an amazing woman, and others could learn from the strenght you have already shown here. To me you don't deserve any of what has happened to you.

 

Just one more point, if you do get a chance to see *her*, please give her as much s**t as you can, don't forget, she has played a massive part in in this, not just your husband.

 

With many hugs I can send you....Helen xxx

[lolz]

Just one more point, if you do get a chance to see *her*, please give her as much s**t as you can, don't forget, she has played a massive part in in this, not just your husband.

 

I absolutely agree with this part. She definitely gave your husband hopes(otherwise he wouln't be leaving) and didn't even bother that he is married to someone else. I know that might sound really mean, but I really wish that at some point in her life excact thing happens to her, when someone she really loves would leave her for someone else. I guess she didn't experience those things yet and life for her is still a funny game when she can just steal husbands she likes without caring about consequences of her actions.

[Cadence308]

Your heart is breaking. I feel so bad that this is happening to you. You deserve better than you are getting in your relationship and I think it's smart to not wait around to see "what happens" between your husband and this girl. He only wants a separation so that he is free to pursue her.

[Rabican]

I wish you luck, you deserve better... do us all a favor and take one for the team. TAKE YOUR HUSBAND TO THE CLEANERS when you file for divorce... anything and everything you can do, financially, legally etc. etc.

 

Just keep thinking KARMA!