I feel horrible, awfully ashamed

[longhaircats]

I'm not a native English speaker, and sorry for my sp and grammer mistakes in advance.

 

It's been nearly 5 months since our break-up. He was my second American boyfriend and we dated for 2.5 years. For some reason, I believed that he still loves me and has feelings for me. When I see in his eyes, I just knew feelings are still there. I couldn't let him go and I stayed in touch with him until a month ago.

 

I just moved to UK for school, but we were still talking on a phone until last week. I was having hard time to adjust myself in a new city where I have no close friends and family. But he made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with me and I need to move on. I'm doing NC since.

 

Last night I met an American guy who was in town for his business trip. I missed US so much and missed my friends and my ex, and his American accent made me feel comfortable. I had too much to drink and ended up staying over at his hotel. I have never done a one-night stand in my life, and am feeling horrible. I had many drunken nights after our break-up, but my friends were there for me and I've never lost myself like this. A part of me was telling me that my ex would not care who am going to sleep with. Now I know I CARE!!I wanted to move on but this is not the way to forget the person you love. It made me feel more failure than ever. I feel like crap. I cannot tell this to my friends, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I really hate myself now being so weak.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

First I want to say that I am sorry that you had to go through a breakup and move to a new country all at once. I can only imagine how stressful that was.

 

Next, I want to ask you do forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong, you are a single lady, you were feeling lonely and vulnerable, and your ex has told you on no uncertain terms that it's over. It happens! Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Good luck with your studies!

[hjc]

Firstly welcome to London; its a big city and can be intimidating/lonely but that's just a facade. Get a copy of TimeOut (a listings magazine available everywhere) and go do some things so you meet people!

 

In terms of what you've just done, don't be ashamed, embarrassed or feel guilty. You're going through a lot emotionally and sometimes we need to let go...what's done is done and it isn't a big issue. Put it down to experience. You are single and allowed to do that kind of thing if you want to.

 

If you feel bad because it isn't the kind of thing you normally do (or think you want to do) then that's fine...just learn your lesson. If you feel bad because you think your ex might find out or you feel guilty, then don't. You're single and can do what you want.

 

Seriously don't beat yourself up - you've done nothing wrong at all....

[longhaircats]

Thank you very much for kind words. My ex told me last week that he was not seeing anyone particular, but open to a date. Thinking of him going on a date with other woman really hurts. I wanted to go out and meet someone before he does. I know it's silly to think like this because it's not a competition, but I couldn't help. I am lonely and desparate.

[skyjuice]

Hi

Sorry about what happen to you, but I am going to be a bit harsh here.

 

It shouldn't be a competition between you to meet someone new or getting a new bf/gf. That is a wrong concept of love, and relationship.

 

Yes, thinking of him going to date other woman hurts you, but this hurts to help you to get over him sooner.

 

Please do not enter into a rebound relationship. (i.e. when you have not get over your previous relationship, you enter into a new one with a readily available man.) Usually, rebound relationship does not last long, in the end, it would hurt you more.

 

May be you could try to make friends first. There a different between companionship and relationship.

[sillygurl]

Dear cats:

 

I've been where you are, and I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain all by yourself, with-out close friends to hug you through it. The guilt on top of it, you must be in agony today!

 

Know that you are not a bad person, you just made a mistake. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's done and you can't take it back. BUT- You can move on...you can use this opportunity to remind yourself of what NOT to do in the future!

 

Get up, go out there and find things to do, go explore your new city and hopefully you will, in time, meet new friends. Until that happens though, you have to figure out a way to love yourself- noone can love you until you love yourself.

 

Keep coming back when you need a friend; there is always someone on this forum who cares!

 

xo-SG

[longhaircats]

Thank you sillygurl. I was in bed all morning crying, but I finally got up and worked on my research a bit and I was able to forget about my ex and last night for a while. Guest, you are right, but I swear to god that I was only looking for a companionship and I didn't want to do anything further. But the guy came on to me strong and I am only a human and made a mistake.

 

I will try to think about a blight side of being in a new city. It's funny that I wanted to move to a new place where there are no memories of my ex but it was a lot harder than I thought. Even though I am thousands miles away from him, I still see him in my mind eyes and he is everywhere. The other day I went to a book store to check out city guidebooks, and then it started playing a romantic song we used to listen along the fireplace in our apartment. It brought back so much good memories of us and tears and I had to leave the store. I really wish I were doing NC from the beginning, so I could have started my healing process sooner.

 

I will come back here when I need a friend to talk to

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Ouch! I would have felt really hurt if my fresh ex told me he was open to a date. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound!

 

Let this go and forgive yourself- but really, you did NOTHING wrong.

 

You're a free and single gal! Have fun and enjoy, just protect yourself!