Problems With Porn

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, if you are looking at other women, she isn't enough for you on some level, OR you have an uncontrollable addiction.

 

Either one would, naturally, upset your girlfriend.

 

I havn't read the other responses. I'm curious as to know why you suddenly felt it was OK to a) betray her and b) look at porn anyway, although b) is more subjective.

 

a) is a point to ponder whether or not you object to porn in itself.

[birdgirl]

I don't agree that she's not enough for you OR that you have an uncontrollable addiction. Humans have a hard enough time with monogamy, we're not biologically built for that. I don't mind that my boyfriend looks at women that he'll never touch. It's just imagery, it's just a biological response.

 

I'm a female and I don't really have a problem with porn. I figure, better tolerate my boyfriend watching porn than him touching a real female or going to a strip club. We even watch it together sometimes. IF he couldn't go near me sexually without watching porn first, that would be a problem.

 

Point is, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Yeah, you shouldn't have lied to her. I'm sure it would have been really hard for you, but you probably should have just told her to suck it up and deal with it, that you were going to look once in a while. And that it didn't mean that you didn't think she was wonderful and sexy and everything you ever wanted.

 

It's hard enough to ask your mate to never touch another person of the opposite again as long as they live -- let alone telling them they can't even LOOK. Ouch.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

*better tolerate?*

 

Why do you have to *tolerate* anything anyway? Who says women should have to?

 

**shakes head**

 

each to own i suppose, but i struggle to see...etc.

[Sarah360]

Hi there,

I just opened up a new topic before finding this.. You sound very similar to my husband!! He was used to it for many years, and when I came into his life and started finding out about it, it was very upsetting... It made me very sad and it hurt me deeply... He would promise just like what you did with your girlfriend, that he wont look at it again and he would!! the second time i confronted him, he stopped for about 2-3 months, and until recently, i just found out that he started looking at it again, but not said a thing....

 

I dont know how to tell him that I want this to stop because it hurts me... I feel like he cheats on me when he sees other girls... especially when he starts complaining about my weight, mind you, I am not even overweight!!

 

I keep thinking, that he is comparing me with these girls. I cant understand why he enjoys looking at dirty disgusting girls!!!

[Dingleburt Humperdink]

Hi Sarah

 

As we've seen in this thread there are two schools of thought; get used to it or don't stand for it. I've been told I either need to find someone who is more open to that kind of thing OR I need to stop looking at it, entirely!

 

Personally, I love my GF so option (ii) is the one for me - I would sooner give up looking at porn than lose her.

 

So I guess your response falls into one of these two options - it is personal opinion which? I would suggest that you talk to him and tell him how much it hurts you and see what he says. I didn't realise until this latest episode how much it hurt my girlfriend when I looked at that stuff. Now that I know I'll make sure I never do it again.

 

Good luck!

[wayne]

*better tolerate?*

 

Why do you have to *tolerate* anything anyway? Who says women should have to?

 

**shakes head**

 

each to own i suppose, but i struggle to see...etc.

 

Well, who says men should have to go a lifetime without it just because she doesn't like it?

 

What's the next thing he's going to have to give up for life because she decides she doesn't like it? Is this about establishing that he's going to follow orders?

[rustygirl]

Well, who says men should have to go a lifetime without it just because she doesn't like it?

 

What's the next thing he's going to have to give up for life because she decides she doesn't like it? Is this about establishing that he's going to follow orders?

 

Men don't HAVE to go a lifetime without porn. Depending on what woman they end up with though, they may have to make that CHOICE.

 

It has nothing to do with control. It's an issue of respect. Not everyone is OKAY with porn, it's not even a "girl only" problem. If the person you decide to be with is one of those that is NOT okay with porn, it's a matter of choice on whether you are going to respect that and stay with them, or find someone who is more liberal in thier views.

 

 

Rodeo Rider: Your welcome... =)

I don't know if it is really possible to explain to someone who is pro-porn though, how much it hurts. Truth is I think I'd almost rather have been cheated on... usually when THAT happens everyone tells you to leave and you're worth more than that... but if you're cheated on and it's ONLY with porn... well pfff... you're just overreacting! It's not a big deal! You should be GLAD because they aren't REALLY cheating on you, etc. etc. etc.

 

Well, I'm sorry, but there are LOTS of things that spouses/significant others try to hide from each other because they know it would upset thier partner. Things like... oh, I dunno... smoking after promising to quit. Bringing home a stray after agreeing on no more pets. Or snacking on candy bars when you both start a diet together.

 

Those things can be upsetting, and could possibly even lead to a huge fight. But they don't leave you feeling as if someone has ripped out your heart and shoved it down your throat. It doesn't leave you feeling as if you don't even know this person you thought you loved. and they surely don't leave you feeling an almost irresistible urge to go away... far away... no matter where it's at as long as it's not where you are right now.

[solar-existence]

Hey Guys. coming from an ex-porn addict I understand alot about what goes on. First from the addicts mind it is not a thing of "that chick is hotter then mine so I'd rather look at her". Women dont get this point,not all but most that have issues with porn think that thier men are watching this because of the women in the porn, this can leave a woman feeling ugly or insecure in her own body which leads to being upset of angree.

 

For Someone who has an addiction and not neccesarly a serious one you cant really explain why you are lead to look at it. people come out with all kinds of excuses "I am trying to learn more" or "I thought I could see something that would help me be better". at the end of the Day I believe that we are all carnel creature and our natural instinct is to procreate and thus making the porn industry one of the most lucrative in the world.

 

Bottom Line is that if you find that you are really battling to handle it, it is much better to tell her that you have a problem. dont hide it, ask her if she could help you with it and take it one day at a time. Eventually you find yourself focusing on a lot more then Sex and porn and realizing that there is so much stimilants in this world that are far better.

 

As I said each for is own. just know that I have been there and if you do carry on without keeping track it only gets worse.... you wont believe what is out there in this industry.

 

Glad to hear that you are keeping strong but its not something you can do alone.

[girl1984]

My bf of 3.5 years has promised me not to watch porn anymore. I caught him 6 months ago and told him that if ill find more porn, once mroe, i will leave. A couple of days ago I found another movie which he has downloaded via the net. Of course I did not leave him and now that we re back together, he promised AGAIN that he will not watch anymore. Mind you, we dont have sexual intercourse to the full, so I understand his urges. But I am really bugged with the idea of him watching porn. I dont know whether he jerks off while watches porn. He says that he watches the whole of it just for entertainment just like i watch movies on the tv or cinema. Moreover I dont know how often he does it either. What should I do?

[Fallout]

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I find this porn "problem" utterly ridiculous. Guess that's what an super-prudish society does...creates problems like this. How can watching other people do it on a screen constitues any form of cheating is way beyond me...

 

People are attracted sexually to other people, usually of the opposite sex. If they are in a relationship it doesn't mean they stop being attracted to everyone but their partner. Asking for that is like wanting to control thinking and basic urges, it totally goes against nature.

 

Sure if it's an addiction and you'd rather watch porn than be with your partner then it is a problem, but only then.

 

So to me, anyone that finds watching porn sometimes 'evil' 'synful' or 'cheating' has big problems themselves

 

That being said, personally porn doesn't turn me off too much because it seems fake and at times gross...I'd rather watch an erotic movie anytime for that, and yes it can watched just for entertainment or fun.

[silky88]

i used to be terribly vicious and hateful of porn when i was like 14-21. i DETESTED it that my boyfriends had sexual feelings for anyone or anything other than me. i have literally smashed videotapes (that belonged to an ex's friend) with a hammer and dragged the tape around the house like a dog.

 

but you know what? then i started dating a guy who was such a perv (completely addicted to porn -- we almost never had sex without him watching it, and also pressured me into group sex and stuff) that i became completely desensitized to the stuff. i liked him so i put up with all of it for a while, but in the long run we had irreconcilable differences sexually and split. but i'll tell you what: i don't give a rat's behind one way or the other about porn now.

 

i used to destroy it, then i used to watch is almost daily (rather unhappily), and now i just couldn't care less.

 

in my opinion, it's not harmful. it's just silly, frivolous, existentially kinda gross, and to each their own. it doesn't turn me on one bit, but it no longer raises my ire either. i've never asked if my current bf watches it, and if he does, that's his business. if anyone is intrigued by watching strangers smash their gooey parts together, eh, it's not my problem.

[pattty333]

Hey, I read some of the replys about your issue. Personally (after going through this myself from your girlfriend's POV) I feel that if it upsets her this much, you should try to stop it once and for all. Or, try to look at her from her side. Would you feel comfortable if she did the same? Would you feel comfortable if she gets off to other guys? If you don't feel like that is something you can do, then be honest with her. I feel like porn is okay only if your partner thinks its okay. But if she doesn't approve of this and you're telling her that you're not looking at porn anymore, then you should keep your word. I've been with my bf for two years and recently I found out that he has this type of porn addiction and it really hurts me. Its been about a month since I've found out and it still hurts me very much. Personally, I dont think it'll hurt me this much, if only he was honest about it. Be Honest and treat her how you want to be treated.