Telling her why I'm doing NC...and that door still open if she's prepared to push it?

[hjc]

Ok so here's the score. Broke up 2 months ago today (after a period of her pulling away from me) and I've maintained NC pretty well: all contact (which has all been email/text) initiated by her. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in that time. However, I've never told her why I initiated NC (or indeed that I have) - she just knows I don't contact her.

 

I do miss her and I do want her back. At the same time I know I have to move on and am starting to see other people and get myself healed. Not proving as easy as I'd hoped but I'm doing what I can and keeping as busy as I can.

 

Having read a number of posts here, I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to explain NC to her (not in terms of "I'm doing it so you miss me" but rather explaining that I'm using it to heal). My fear is that she might think I'm angry at her for the breakup and that I'm being unfriendly and (here's the real fear) that if she did have any thoughts about getting back, that I would reject her out of hand.

 

We're due to meet up sometime soon to give each other's stuff back and I think I can cope with that. I'm not sure I can cope with the "here's why I'm doing NC" chat though. So I was contemplating emailing her and letting her know. I just want it out there without having to discuss it with her. Something along these lines:

 

 

 

Thoughts? Should I send it? Any suggested amendments welcome.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I think that you don't owe her any explanations... do you think you owe it to her? After she started pulling away from you and losing interest?

[majord23]

hjc,

I wouldn't send the email mate. She broke NC a few weeks ago and you responded in kind which would have given her a very good indication that you're not angry with her.

 

You say that you have to meet her soon to exchange some things anyway - so how about instead of telling her that you're not angry with her, that you *show* her when you meet up.

 

Meet her and be fun - make her laugh and make the experience of seeing you a positive one for her....*that* would be far more effective than any email you could send in the meantime mate.

 

There's nothing wrong with your email, but I just think that if you're going to be seeing her anyway then you should make the most of that opportunity.

[Scotcha]

I'm not a fan of explaining the reasons for NC.

 

It's like showing her your cards and loosing the upperhand, regardless of your reason for NC.

 

If you are trying to get her back she will know she still has you.

 

If you are trying to heal and move on you should do what is best for YOU.

 

You haven't been rude. What kind of person breaks up with someone and doesn't expect them to move on?

[majord23]

It's like showing her your cards and loosing the upperhand, regardless of your reason for NC.

 

Yep, especially considering that NC has been well and truly established. It's like telling the dumper that despite time having passed, that the dumpee wil still take them back...and that the NC hasn't actually help them move on that much at all.

 

I also think that the email sets the tone of your meeting with her before seeing her hjc. Keep her guessing as to what seeing you will be like - and then surprise her by being yourself, not an emotional version of someone she used to know.

[Bethany]

I'm with the others.

It's obvious why you are keeping away from her, you don't have to explain anything. Pass through this feeling of needing her to know this or that and you really will be on the way to healing yourself. Good Luck with the meeting.

[Shadows Light]

ehhhhh... without knowing your whole story. Your email to her sounds as if... you instilled NC to get to what you want. Meaning it was a means to an end and NOT a time out necessarily. I could be wrong.

 

You said you wanted to her to know "WHY" you instilled NC. If you are bent on telling her explicitly. You might want to say...

 

Its because xyz... when you do/did xyz.. I felt XYZ (don't use the word MAKES me feel... because no one makes you anything, you OWN your own feelings)... and say, I felt that NC is because you need space between you. To get your head together. To re-think about your goals, feelings, wants/needs. Having contact would prolong the feelings you have, add fuel to the fire and not be conducive to even a "FRIENDSHIP" let alone a relationship. You started out as friends... you hope is that you can each one day still be able to call each other... friend.

[hjc]

hjc,

I wouldn't send the email mate. She broke NC a few weeks ago and you responded in kind which would have given her a very good indication that you're not angry with her.

 

You say that you have to meet her soon to exchange some things anyway - so how about instead of telling her that you're not angry with her, that you *show* her when you meet up.

 

Meet her and be fun - make her laugh and make the experience of seeing you a positive one for her....*that* would be far more effective than any email you could send in the meantime mate.

 

There's nothing wrong with your email, but I just think that if you're going to be seeing her anyway then you should make the most of that opportunity.

 

 

As ever top notch advice and I haven't sent it. She's away for a few days and is going to call me when she gets back to arrange things. So ball in her court and I can just sit back and wait....or rather stand up and continue rebuilding my life without her in it.

 

Thanks for all the advice guys & girls...