best friend ordeal

[tellmebaby]

Okay, so I am 18 year old bi and I have this best friend, I think I really do love her. She knows I am bi,but she does not know of my feelings for her. When I told her a while back about me, she seemed okay with it. She brought it up Later she tells me she thinks she has for a long time questioned herself. I didn't know what to say, it honestly caught me off guard lol. I think she might be really confused. The topic has not come up again.I think hearing her say she is think she might be bi, has made things worse and I like her more and I am confused as to how to approach this.

I am worried I'll scare her away and lose her friendship. I guess I haven't been giving her as much attention as I used to(which may be the wrong thing to do), but when I do its kind of flirty, and sometimes I'll bring up something like a movie I watched with lesbian characters (not an adult film..lol), and she will be okay with it and ask questions, haha I actually watched one with her, I told her it was my favorite movie and she said she really wanted to see it, and she seemed okay with watching it. I didn't get to ask and discuss with her about it afterward, because two other friends came to hang out with us after. A couple people have told me she seems to get really jeolous if I don't give her attention. But this could just be best friend jeolousy. I used to have that really bad with her, but not as bad as it was. I have changed and grown and am more secure since coming out. But in the past I was really jeoulous and only with her because I liked her so much! With this other best friend I have I never get jeolous, so I know its different.

 

I don't know what is going on here, or what I should do. I want to be able to tell her but Its so hard getting past that doubt and fear, so I don't know how to bring it up. But it also seems like there is never a chance to talk about it. What should I to do??

 

sorry for the long post!

[Cadence308]

It's normal to be scared of losing a friendship when you have more intimate thoughts and feelings about someone. That is the risk that you have to take if you want the relationship to turn into more.

 

Next time it's just the two of you and you are talking I would bring up the sexuality issue with her. You have already laid a foundation for that kind of talk since you acknowledged your bisexual identity to her in the past and she admitted that she has been confused about her sexuality.

 

I would just say, "Remember when you said that you were confused about your sexuality? Have you sorted that out? Have you done anything about it? Have you ever kissed a woman?" Just ask some questions about it to get her to open up and see where the conversation leads. Be prepared to share the same information with her and maybe it may lead to you confessing your feelings for her.

[rightfromthestart]

my 2 cents

 

you two should just get drunk and get it on! lol

 

teasing. honesty is the best policy. you won't lose a friend. and you both will come to an understanding.

 

good luck

[NKP]

Get drunk?

 

Then she will never know if it was just coz she was drunk or if she really does have feelings for her. What Ballys saidis a real good idea

[tellmebaby]

rightfromthestart...LOL!!! .... too bad she doesn't drink! lol.

 

thanks ballys, that makes sense to start there.. but I actually know that she hasn't kissed a woman. She has only been kissed by one guy, she dated him a couple years ago on and off for a couple months, but the day after he kissed her she broke it off, never explained to him why, and explained to me she didn't like him like that and wasn't attracted to him.

she has told me on different occasions that she feels sick and she doesnt feel like herself when she hangs out with guys she is dating,and she gets all weird about hanging out alone with them, which no one understands, and she always breaks up before anything gets serious. When I ask her why she feels this way or why she does this, she just says she doesn't know why. I think she has been avoiding dating because of this. So when I hear she has been questioning her sexuality for years (before she has even dated anyone) I think that could explain this sick feeling and avoidance. Or could I be wrong and there is another reason or thing going on here?

Its confused me and I want to help her..and I actually haven't thought of her sexuality as an explaination until now, lol. I will talk to her. But I am curious to know if this kind of thing is normal or if anyone has experience/heard of this situation. Any thoughts or opinions?

[rightfromthestart]

"When I ask her why she feels this way or why she does this, she just says she doesn't know why"

 

totally normal. matters relating to one's sexuality are always confusing. sounds like she knows which team she wants to play on but is conflicted perhaps because what others might think. screw what others think. if i were u, i would help her by talking with her about it and maybe suggest that she should try being initimate with someone without strings attached first. if she agrees, help set her up with a hottie - get them a hotel room and pay for the bubbly and get her to have a blast.

[Cadence308]

It's normal for women who date women to not want to be around men on dates and the thought of kissing men or being with them sexually is repulsive. Your friend is confused with her sexuality. She wants to be straight, feels like she should date men, but when she does she is repulsed and she doesn't know why. That is totally normal for a lesbian. She sounds a lot like how I was before I came out to myself. However, I had kissed a few more men than she has. But, things never went beyond that. I was comfortable on dates just talking, but never if they wanted to continue seeing me, or if they talked about sex, or asked me about it (I had never been with a man), or if they wanted something romantic with me. I didn't get it because I thought I was straight. lol

 

Your friend is totally waiting to come out of the closet. I think you should ask her if she's resolved her confusion and start the conversation that way. Ask her if she would ever date a woman or if she's thought about being with a woman sexually. Now might not be the best time to admit your feelings for her since she is confused. However, it's only a matter of time before she acknowledges her feelings (it sounds like). It helps people to talk about their confusion with their sexuality, esp. if the other person is not homophobic.

 

I do not recommend getting drunk and making out if you want to have a long term romantic relationship with her.

[Tigris]

I agree totally with everything Ballys has said.

 

Lost & broken is right when she says that you should never get someone drunk if you want to tell them you want to become their gf/bf. They wouldn't know if it was the truth or the drink talking.

 

Rightfromthestart 'throwing someone in at the deepend' is not a good idea when they're unsure of themselves. The only thing that will be achieved is she would feel frightened and eventually she'd become paranoid, etc.

 

Tellmebaby when you talk to her tell her how you felt when you were dealing with all the problems she's going to face. Explain how you dealt with them. Point out mistakes that you made.

 

Have you got any other lesbian friends that you could hang out with so she learns by observation? If you do have some friends that will help you, you could all go to a club so she can feel the atmosphere, etc.

 

I'm sure you being by her side will give her confidence.

 

Good luck and take care. PM me anytime.

[tellmebaby]

lol, never ever planned on getting drunk with her and doing that, it would never happen. I wouldn't do that to her or myself.

 

Okay just to get my thoughts all organized..... its safe to say she doesnt know what to do or what she is feeling and doesnt understand this sick feeling she feels with the guys she has dated, she is a lesbian, doesnt like guys like that, and afraid because she feels pressure to be straight. That makes so much sense when I think about it...wow..lol. Oh and what you said ballys... she like you doesn't have a problem talking. What you shared does sound like what it could be, thanks for sharing that.

 

so before I tell her of my feelings I should wait, and ask her if she has thought about it or figured anything out at all, and help her sort through and understand. I should be patient with this, although lol, I am certain she will catch on right away, I think she may already know I like her. We both have been acting differently. Now I think she does like me back, but is really confused and afraid. and we both are wary, not wanting to mess things up and not sure what to do.

 

Thanks tigris, that sounds like a good idea about explaining her about myself and helping her like that, and yes I do have some lesbians friends, and she knows who they are, but she rarely ever is with me when I hang out with them, but that can change.

 

 

thank you so much for the wonderful advice and thoughts. I greatly appreciate it!!!!

 

I'll let ya'll know how this pans out.

[tellmebaby]

THINGS HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY!

 

okay so I haven't told her yet. So many things have been thrown at me and I am so confused and I can't get my mind off any of it.

 

So basically my other best friend (no the one i have feelings for) admitted to me that 2 years ago she had a crush on me, but only for a couple days, before i ever came out or considered myself bi. She knows how much i like my other friend, she was the first to know taht i liked my other friend and pretty much first to know I am bi. I think she think she might, but I NEVER EVER thought she was or ever could be a les...ever, and I can never ever see us in that way, she is strictly one of my friends, maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it is, it just surprised me I guess, I won't let things change.

But what is interesting is that the girl i like says she has always know that this other friend was a les and has never said anything, but she knew, and I asked her how long she has thought and she said 2 years ago pretty much the same time period of this crush. She won't tell me the reasons why she thought my friend was les, no one who knows this friend has ever thought that, i havent!! its strange to me. So i told her about her having a crush on me, and she didn't seem surprised.

And she asked a couple times on long the lines of wanting to know if i actually liked this friend like that, and i told her it wasn't like that.

she also said that she thought she herself at some point was a lesbian but she could never see her self like in a relationship with a girl but she finds women attractive.. but...my other friend who actually admitted to having a crush on me said she couldnt picture herself in a relationship with a girl as well, and she told me she was actually jeoulous when I told her i liked my best friend. AHHHHHH both of them never seemed to like each other all that much (like a bad tension between them) one always felt liek the other didn't like them much.

Is it possible they both see themselfs in each other (if that makes sense) and they know what the other is all about or something, i could be wrong but it seems that way, and they both suspected each other of being les at one point.....This is all so suprising to me and I am so confused! do they both like me? help!

 

[MsLady]

Well, what does any of it have to do with you? One came out in telling you she's a lesbian and had a brief crush on you; the other thought at one point she was a lesbian but may not very well be. Who are they to you? Your friends. Neither one of them have expressed an interest in pursuing you so don't worry about it. Let it be.

[Tigris]

Have you thought things through and decided what you're going to do?

[tellmebaby]

Mslady I appreciate your words, but it isn't like that, see...my friend with the old crush on me asked me the other day if I was sure if i had feelings for this other girl and I told her I did, and thne I asked her of this jeoulous she has of this girl i like... and I actually asked her if she still liked me because I had a feeling she did, and she pretty much said yes. She kept like touching my face that night and leaning on me. And she flirts with me a lot more, and keeps trying to bring it up, asking me about like crushes I have

I am unsure of what to tell her or what to do, I have told her I don't see it being like that and I like my other friend a lot, but recently, I have been so confused and I think just might be developing feelings for her but I am not sure.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, I know it took her a lot to admit it to me, and I value her friendship so much, I think that is all I want it to be, because I like this other girl so much, but I am not sure if that will ever work out.

now I know what its like on both ends on the liking your best friend situation.

Its just tough, not wanting to screw things up or hurt peoples feelings.

 

So to answer you Tigris, yes I have thought about it a lot..but I am even more unsure of what I am going to do. lol