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When the weekends only bring grief


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My musings this weekend.

 

My short story is my ex-girlfriend of 1 year finished with me over August-September, and I have been trying to cope ever since.

 

I was inconsolable to start with. The first big fight we had, I was in such a state that I phoned my folks who were kind enough to visit me although I live hundreds of miles from them and take care of me for days. I guess that was the denial phase, when I kept wishing to keep some hope alive.

 

These days, that phase is gone ... but it is replaced by great unease and foreboding for the future. I am past the phase of being so cut up that I can't eat and sleep -- but to be accurate, now I am in a limbo where I can't see purpose in the immediate future, and spontaneously break into tears every so often in the day. Even if I do find some private place to run to before my grief comes bawling out, I am just allowing myself to feel this as it is one of the few luxuries that I have. Parents, while being supportive, have not that great an understanding of what this kind of heartbreak is like ... and sometimes tell me to "just stop crying", as if it was that easy.

 

A lot of my thoughts go into a journal which I'm keeping. Most recently, I've written about my fears about where I go from here. They say, take it one day at a time, but I don't always succeed in doing that. There are the wee hours in bed when I am abruptly awake and a tide of grief and despair washes over me. I pray to God, I try to replace the bad feelings with something more positive, but it is a battle. Compulsively, I sometimes lie awake as if just lying there and processing thoughts is going to bring me any nearer to peace. It doesn't. The most circular thoughts are about unresolved questions at the end of the relationship -- things I felt I did wrong, or said wrong, which hurt my ex-girlfriend. Despite the immense hurt she has now caused me, my conscience does not rest easy at the thought that I could have started it by hurting her first. Talking with others about the details of these happenings, I've been assured time and again that what I said or did was not the end of the world, that men do much worse things, but lying there at night all I can think is ... If only I'd not reacted in that way ..

 

There is NC between us now, and I am pleased that there should be. She had wanted to be friends, but I am glad that I was far-sighted enough to realise what a poisoned chalice that is. It would only have stirred up difficult feelings again and again. However, NC means that I can't resolve those questions. I try to tell myself that ultimately, I will reach a day when I accept that I will have to live with never knowing the answers.

 

All this does not detract from the memories of what once was. We were good together - once. I had work commitments and she had great pressure from study commitments, and that put strain on us. She was someone who constantly needed reassurance and attention, and although I gave that as best I could, there were times I have to admit I was insecure and showed it by wanting her to spend time with me in preference to other commitments. But in so many ways, she felt like the perfect person for me. Sounds slushy I know. It would have been a heaven-sent relationship had it worked. I still grieve for it.

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It was wonderful of your parents to come out and look after you when you needed them. They must love you very much. I think the journaling is a wonderful idea. Keep it up! As you are writing in your journal, take time out to remember the things that matter to you in your life besides your ex. What dreams were you pursuing before you met her? What are your core values? Our relationships are meant to feed us and help us become who we're meant to be; try to draw strength from the knowledge that you loved her, and she loved you enough to be with you, and honour that by taking care of yourself and your own dreams.

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It's natural to self doubt and have fear for the future when loosing the one you love. Blaming yourself for things you might have done is natural too. But it takes both of you to end it. Live each day as it comes until you are over it. How long it takes depends on you.

Take care Ikarus27.

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