More Problems... Now it's the Cleaning!

[thefutile87]

I just recently made a post regarding me being bored while my boyfriend sits on his rear end - and now I've got another problem I need advice about. It's another long one, but a simple one, I think.

 

Tonight we aren't speaking to each other again. And it's over the cleaning. I mentioned before the clean clothes from weeks ago that I asked that he put away that he hadn't - and today I did four more loads of laundry - all that I asked him to fold and put away along with the ones from WEEKS ago. I also asked that he have it done before I got home from work tonight at 12:30 since he had nothing to do all day and I had to work. I left for work at 4:30, and did what folding I could do before I had to leave.

 

I got home and discovered a mountain of clothing piled on the bed with him laying asleep next to it. I was furious. I dumped the litterbox like I'd promised to do, even ran around outside looking for a hose with which to wash it out in this cold weather, while he woke himself up. While I griped about cleaning the litterbox, he began folding the clothes. Even now, only half of them are put away. There's another hamper FULL of clothing to be done.

 

I realize it may seem like I'm asking a lot out of him - but we were doing just fine at the beginning taking turns doing the dishes, folding the laundry, cleaning the house, and emptying the litterbox. Now it's been his turn to do these things for weeks, and it seems like if I want anything done I'll have to do it myself.

 

The kitchen sink and counter has been covered in every dish we own - dirty - for nearly a month now. It's been his turn to do the dishes the entire time.

 

His justification for not doing the cleaning is that he does all the cooking (once a week, at most) and has to drive over 30 minutes to his school every day (we live about a mile and a half from my school now). Truthfully, he couldn't care less if the dishes were done. Or if his laundry was clean, or if the living room floor was so covered with clothes and trash that he couldn't see the carpet. His philosophy is to clean three plates and three forks when it comes time to cook again, then pile them up with the rest.

 

He also sees no point in arguing about this, because "things will never be equal".

 

What am I supposed to do?

[sidehop]

Is your b/f that lazy...or did he grow up where his mother did everything for him? No matter what type of chores are around the house it should be divided equally and done. It sounds almost like he's created filth and probably isn't all that healthy.

 

I don't know about you but I can't imagine living with someone that's a slob. It's not like he can't take 15 minutes of the day to clean around the house right?

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Frankly, I wouldn't live like that. Period. I'd either do everything myself and gripe about it, or just leave him (I'm extremely OCD about cleaning stuff).

 

That said, I think this is less about cleaning, and more about issues in your relationship. Clearly, there's work that needs to be done and he's not holding up his end of it.

 

Have you tried talking to him about? Not yelling/complaining/griping (though I completely and totally understand why you'd do that), but just a nice, calm "hunny, I've noticed that you're doing ____, ____ and ______/not doing _______, _______ and ______, is there a reason why?" It may be that he's depressed, and that combined with his anti-cleaning attitude is why things are like they are at the moment.

[kadvati79]

Tonight we aren't speaking to each other again.

Solve this and you've got your relationship fixed.

 

Everyone has disagreements. Everyone gets upset, has different ideas on cleaning, social engagements, even what they should watch on TV. The couples that stay together don't argue less, they just know how to talk to each other. Now its not simply a matter of being the "bigger person" and accepting blame all the time. Communication is a two way street. Unless he is prepared to communicate, and you with him, then every difference will end this way.

 

So in summary, while the cleaning issue is annoying - its the "not speaking to each other" result thats really a bad sign. When this happens, turn the issue into an active listening session. Don't discuss the cleaning, discuss why you aren't talking and how you both feel.

[Lunabelle]

Dear futile,

 

Long post warning -- you've really got my attention on this one!

 

Oh my heart feels for you on this one.

 

On one hand, I know you're thinking, is it really worth getting all upset over cleaning? (Or lack thereof)

 

On the other hand, you're saying, YES, it is.

 

And I'll tell you why it is.

 

Because his unwillingness to work sends you a huge message, loud and clear. He really doesn't give a fig about what you want. Period. End of message. If he did, he would DO these simple, everyday things that adults all over the world do every day.

 

I know, I know, all these people will chime in and "correct" my thinking on this one. That's okay folks we're all entitled to our own opinion. I can only speak from the point of view of someone who married one of these guys and have been for 20 years trying unsuccessfully to get him to help me in the ways you describe.

 

He will actually do it now, but only under absolute duress and he makes a martyr out of himself the whole time.

 

While he may not say it out loud, your boyfriend is making it clear that someone else is to be providing this work for him.

 

He feels absolutely no need to work on his own behalf, much less someone else's, even if it would be a huge display of love to that other person.

 

Because to me, that's a big part of love, doing what the OTHER person wants, regardless of how you feel about it. Especially if it's something as asinine as picking up after your own self and cleaning your own clothes and dishes.

 

If you really want my opinion, here it is: Stop performing the housecleaning chores for him. He is a big boy now -- he can launder and put away his own clothes. Stop feeding him. He can cook, you stated that. Stop washing his dishes. Do what you need to do, for yourself, to make your home clean and presentable and comfortable. Do it for yourself, because you are worth it.

 

What you are asking him to do is simply take care of himself. This is the same thing I expect my teenage kids to do -- the same stuff we all learned in kindergarten. Pick up after yourself. Put stuff away. Be responsible for your own messes. Be kind to others.

 

If he cannot discipline himself this much, you have a huge problem on your hands. And allowing the behavior simply lets it go on and on.

 

Be real -- if there's only the two (or three?) of you, how much work are we really talking about here? Maybe, maybe one hour a day. Trust me, I know this, I am raising a family right now.

 

The issue, in my opinion, is not that you're not talking.

 

The issue is that he won't stand up and be an adult about his personal responsibilities. And in my own experience (yours may be different) this same attitude carried over into all parts of our married life. He chooses to deal with things by NOT dealing with them, just letting it all fester like that smelly pile of dishes and clothes. On of his primary ways of not dealing with things is to actually twist things around during conversations into how all the problems are actually my fault.

 

He would say, It's not a problem that the cleaning isn't done. It's okay. It's doesn't bother me. You're just expecting too much from me. So it's my expectations that are causing the problem, not his being unwilling to pick up his own tighty-whities.

 

Does any of this ring true for you?

 

Know that even if you successfully, calmly discuss this, he will not change his ways overnight. Clearly this is not something he has grown up doing.

 

I do have a couple suggestions that have improved the situation for me. Actually it's the combination of the things that works for me.

 

First, if you can afford to, hire help. I gotta be honest with you, this is one reason I got my college degree. I prefer to pay someone to do this stuff, and I make darn sure I earn enough cashola to cover it.

 

Second, create and follow your own personal routines for this stuff. It's not rocket science, the people who do this for a living are not your over-educated, highly-skilled technicians. This work can and should be done frequently, quickly and then move on to something fun!

 

I cannot stress enough the value of this website: link removed It is completely free, and following her suggestions has really helped me. Her premise is that small, daily, frequent routines add so much to the quality of our lives, because it frees us to do what we really WANT to do, not have to do.

 

You really need to separate this issue from your relationship. It is simply a symptom of some other issue in the relationship. Don't keep doing what you've been doing (talking, pleading, hoping, expecting) and whine when you get the same results. Do something different.

 

Finally, love yourself enough to stand up for what you know is right for YOU. Needing to live in a home that is clean (reasonably, not religiously) and tidy and comfortable is NOT an unreasonable request on your part. You are not asking for too much.

 

He is simply expecting to get away with too little. It has nothing to do with "things being equal". It has to do with two things. One being that he stand up and be a responsible adult. Two being that he actually cares enough about you to do these minor, incidental things that mean something to you.

 

If this behavior is a huge departure from how it's been in the past, I would consider he may be depressed. Or this may be his backdoor way of trying to tell you he is unhappy in other ways. But if this struggle is how it's always been, you need to either accept it, love him and go on with life, or don't live with him any longer. What you're doing now is letting it become center stage, and suddenly your whole life revolves around the darn pile of dishes.

 

Your choice -- accept this behavior, or don't. Just be prepared to live with the consequences either way.