Words

[Gracelove]

I'm at home.

I'm eating healthy, exercising, and facing one of my biggest fears.....losing weight.

It may seem like a small thing, maybe even something to be excited about, but not to me. I don't feel that way.

I feel sad, really nervous. Believe it or not my newly gained weight has been like a comforting blanket to me.

A source of security.

I feel safe with it, and now I'll be without it.

I think I'm kind of accepting it.

It's hard for me to cope with the fact that I'll be a smaller size.

At my natural weight, it would be quite easy for any man to pick me up and toss me around.

It's something I dread.

I feel like, with a lot of extra weight I can't be thrown around.

I feel much less attractive with extra weight as well, and that's comforting to me.

Although in reality, rape has nothing to do with appearances, it hasn't deterred me from working to make myself look as unattractive as I possibly can.

I've never liked men looking at me.

And when I'm taking care of my body, and keeping up my appearances, they tend to look a lot more.

 

I am afraid, and I'm trying to be strong.

 

I'm trying to think of all the wonderful things that can come with losing weight.

Like......wearing all of the nice clothes in my closet, or.....I don't know, maybe even buying new clothes.

 

I just don't know.

 

I feel really down.

 

My world is different now.

 

I'm going to bite the bullet and get in shape, and take care of myself....but just the thought alone brings me discomfort.

 

I hear about all of the pedophiles and rapists around.

 

And I don't even know what to think about it anymore.

I almost have no reaction.

I think I'm pretty numb to it all.

There are no consquences for the rapist that I can visually see.

It's like, they get away with it, like people don't take it seriously, like it's normal.

I don't know, but I think about me having a little girl someday.

And I believe I'll be extremely protective of her. I'll always have my eye on those around her.

And I must say, of course I think of violent things every now and then, in passing.

I think that sexual predators should have a shot gun placed in their mouth and the trigger pulled.

It's almost humorous considering that I hate seeing gore and violence.

But....if someone ever touched my daughter.....I would probably kill them and take whatever consequences to come.

Why are there so many evil people in the world???

Rapists just walk the planet, destroying lives at a whim, and then going on to enjoy their own lives.

What can a person even say to that?

I'm at a loss of words.

It has become a part of normal to me.

These rapists walking the planet have become a normal sight.

I don't see things the way I used to.

Who would have ever thought I'd ever struggle with the idea of being thin???

To make matters worse, I had lots of nightmares last night.

One having to do with being small and men trying to attack me. In my dream I was pretty helpless to all of the bad happening to me.

And I had pretty much accepted it as my fate in life.

I guess it's kind of like I feel now.

 

[Fallout]

Hi, you are right about the rapists I think, seems most don't get convicted and those that do get away easy...a few months or a year in jail and that's it.

 

It is pretty unfair considering many other crimes that don't affect a person nearly as strong as rape does (I can only presume since I'm not a victim myself) get much tougher punishments.

 

So, you're right to be angry about that, why not do something about it? Join a society which aims for tougher punishment for rapists, or create one yourself, I believe one person can create alot of change in a society, and if you look at how things were 20-30-50 years ago etc. alot of things have changed, so it can happen it's not written in stone...but there is a need for energetic and driven people to bring things to the front and start creating changes.

[agent1607307371]

Hi Grace,

 

it's great to hear that you are taking care of your body, but what about your mind? Have you thought of joining a support group for other survivors or maybe a women only self-defence/martial arts class? Something to help you to truly take back your power.

 

 

And you're right about the treatment of rapists in our society. It seems that so much of the blame is put on the victim as opposed to where it should be - squarely on the shoulders of the predator.

[Viridian Dragon]

I've been there. (Actually, I think I'm still there -- having the dreams, being frightened of people, crying at completely inappropriate times, etc.) One thing that's helping me is volunteering at the local Rape Crisis Centre. Most universities and colleges have women's centres, and most cities have other groups and and centres.

 

I'm certainly not ready to help counsel other women who have been raped -- but I can answer phones, sit on a committee, raise funds, help organize events and education. I get to work with women who have been through the same thing, and who are committed to changing it.