He wont talk to me

[tinkerbelle26]

I need some advice...and please be honest.

Im 23 years old, graduated from university and have my career started. I'm dating a 22 year old guy (i wouldnt call him a man yet) I met in the summer, who is still in university. During the summer there was not an instant attraction when we met. We worked together since the beginning of May. However, around the middle of July we finally "hooked up", basically making out when we were drunk. From there things escalated and our encounters together were intense. We never talked about a relationship while we were hanging out in the summer, but I had just assumed we were going to be together by the way he was acting...hanging out everyday with me after work, making me dinner, being romantic...however, the week before he was to leave I finally had the courage to ask him about the relationship and he said "NO, he didnt want one." I was hurt. But I didnt want to just give up. So, I continued to talk with him after he left and I even went to visit him (at his request) at school. We finally got into a relationship after some prodding by me...(I just said I wasnt going to wait around for him to make up his mind anymore) and as a result, things are not all they were cracked up to be in the summer. He told me he doesnt want to talk to me everyday, he cant stand the phone so dont bother calling, and our visits should be limited. Being in a long distance relationship and not having a sturdy background to begin with, communication is the key in my opinion. NOW...here comes the tricky part. When he was 7 his Dad was killed in a car accident....and in high school his girlfriend he was deeply in-love with broke up with him to go away to university. I know there are issues there and i'm wondering if it is even worth my time to try and work through it. From my time spent in the summer with him, I can see that this could be an amazing relationship, but from his actions now i'm doubting if I can last until the end of the month with him. He also wont talk to me about deep conversations...he just says I dont know. I even asked him his dream job if money wasnt an issue and he said he didnt know...im troubled. I like him a lot, but I dont want to waste my time. Any advice on what I can personally do....or is counselling the only way??

[rmpavlock]

Honestly, if he told you he doesn't want a relationship he probably really doesn't want a relationship. Why would he have said otherwise? It's hard to hear because it's clear you like him, but it seems like he wants you around at his convenience. Don't let him do that to you! If he has problems, those are his to deal with. If he is making you wonder where you stand and he isn't being consistant with his behavior, it probably WOULDN'T be such a great relationship if you ever did get together. Right now it certainly seems like he's holding all the cards. He gets to make out with you without any strings attached.

 

I had a "relationship" like that in college. I really liked this guy. We seemed to click so well! He was fun and outgoing and always made me laugh. We got drunk and made out a few times and nothing else came of it. I wouldn't hear from him for awhile and then he would call me out of the blue to come and hang out. It kind of went in a cycle. I kept telling myself that maybe he liked me and he was just a little shy about showing it, but seriously, if I tried contacting him and didn't hear back then he obviously wasn't interested. I wasted a lot of time thinking about him and hoping he did like me back. Eventually, I just stopped talking to him.

 

Don't do the same thing I did and wait for someone who isn't interested to come around. Go out, meet other people and do something nice for yourself!

[tinkerbelle26]

I have talked to him and told him my thoughts about not wanting to talk with me...and to be honest, he has improved a little bit. I actually had a good half hour talk with him tonight on the computer of course (since he hates the phone), and it was settling for me. How long do you think this will keep up? Are boys generally able to keep up the improvements? I guess that will be the indicator if he really is serious about this. Also, any suggestions about how to get him to like the phone more often? His reasoning is that he hates awkward pauses and he doesnt know how to generate conversation very well...but im thinking that is because he has only really talk to girls when they were first getting to know them...hense the awkwardness. For someone he has known for longer should be more comfortable...no?

 

I have also asked him if I coerced him in anyways to making his decision about getting together. The moment I mentioned breaking up he became fearful and said please do not try to end this. I really like you. Which I have no clue what to do...I've been hurt too many times and its hard for me to tell if someone is being sincere.

 

I don't know whether his actions are a lack of experience, since he has only had the one girlfriend in high school, or if he is extremely smart and is playing his cards completely right to keep me at a distance but to be there for when he comes back into town.

Any ideas or insights into this situation would be very helpful. I definitely over-analyze things, so some other opinions would be greatly appreciative!

[rmpavlock]

Hmmm....some guys don't enjoy talking on the phone, so I wouldn't say that is a huge deal. I guess just keep an eye open for how he treats you. Basically, if you think something isn't right or that he's not showing with his actions that he likes and appreciates you, then don't ignore your feelings. He said that he didn't want a relationship, but if he really does like you the way he says he does he needs to show it. You've made it pretty clear to him that you are interested, so if he wants you to stick around he needs to step it up. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you with respect. Make sure you take care of yourself too.

[rmpavlock]

Also...him telling you he likes you is one thing, but don't ignore his actions. Some people can be very manipulative and can twist things around with their words...