breakup therapy

[bungalo]

I'm a newbee. 3 weeks ago, My g/f of 2 years broke up with me saying "I can't do it anymore," and "I finally chose me." It's not as harsh as it sounds...she still says she loves me, and I love her. We are both divorced with kids and 40+. She is a counselor, and when we met I was still on the rebound from my last g/f. It was very tough, but I think we worked our way through this rough initial phase. She made it clear that she didn't want to be my counselor-she wanted to be my lover. I completely agreed with this, but she really encouraged me to share my problems with her at the same time. She told me several times during our time together that her pattern has been to run away when things got too emotionally intense. As time went on, I had many problems with my career...I had to leave one job due to an intolerable new boss who put me on an intolerable schedule. My g/f's ex husband

(who is now actually deceased, and was a cold, man who didn't like sex) quit his job when they were married, and she wound up supporting the family for like 15 years or something. I did find another position 2 months later....but this job (through no fault of my own) got downsized into a part time thing. Well after I told her this news..we had a beautiful, loving weekend (no problems in the bedroom at all) and on the next Monday, she is ultra crabby and negative on the phone. I was too. I'm trying to keep this brief-but it's hard. All in all we had a tremendously loving and close relationship. The next day she calls to break it off-citing the loss of my last job as the reason. Two days later I got a new, secure job. I take responsibility for my

"neediness," and through much reading and therapy I believe I have made tremendous progress. I have not hounded her or begged her...I have given her space. I did cry when she told me the news-and so did she.It

is really hard-since we were together for a long time and talked every day. I saw her in church about a week after the split, and she was crying and said she was grieving. I was supportive and brief with her and gave her a hug in the parking lot-and left. A week later I called her to make arrangements to pick up my bike.

She sounded angry on the phone, complained about her job and her daughter.. but she was civil towards me. We set up a time for that Thursday for me to get my bike and I asked her if we could go to a nearby part...just to talk and catch up. She agreed.

 

So during the time we've been apart, I am working on my self-esteem and assertiveness. I get to her house, and I am in really good shape emotionally. She is not. She is crying and tells me she can't go to the park and says why don't we just talk here. So I am very calm, but I do tell her that I want to see her when she's ready. I told her we needed to go out and have fun again. She agreed with me. She also said that she felt like my "Mom" during our time together..I didn't get defensive or anything..but I think it was obvious to her that I had changed-she even mentioned that my energy was different. She also told me that she has a habit of going with guys she thinks she can "fix." And then when they improve (always because of their own efforts) she feels like they won't need her anymore. I told her how unhealthy this was. She seemed genuinely pleased with my new "take charge" approach-and it was not an act, this is how I am living my life now. Soooo...She tells me she doesn't know when she'll be ready to go out again...she tells me how hot the sex was....tells me she still loves me...we have a nice kiss before I leave. So now, despite my self-improvement progress, I am still in a lot of pain over her, and she takes up a lot of room in my head...but I am able to go to work and get things done. I have decided to have no contact with her for one month, then call her and go have lunch or coffee and see if we can salvage this. I know this was a long post, but I needed to adequately explain things.

[Beec]

You're not asking any questions. Not sure what you want someone to say. It seems like you have reached a position at which someone either needs to make a move, or you need to move on.

[Shadows Light]

Of course you are in pain. You've had contact with her every day for the last few years. And now... things are different. Change is a very difficult thing for us to assimulate to the older we get.

 

You've been through the grieving process... the denial.. the bargaining.. the anger.. acceptance... and finally moivng on. You mahap... are in the bargaining end of it right now. Maybe??? possibility.

 

Give yourself that one month of NC. It may do a world of good for both of you. You say that you are working on a few personal issues and are making changes. To make real changes it takes about a good 30 days... to make sustainable changes, so have a bit of patience with yourself.

 

Your JOB losses may have been a trigger for her. She'd supported a husband and family for 15years. Thats a long time to carry the burden of responsibility on her shoulders. AND... mayhap, she saw it happening all over again with you.. with the succession of job losses. It triggered her.. and she thought... "ohhh He!! not again.. been here, done that, and I'm not doing it again." It could be that its also a subconscieitous trigger for her. ANYTHING that brings back those nasty memories.. shoots her back to that time and place.

 

"FIXING A GUY".... ohhhh lordy. A lot of us are guilty of that arn't we. I'm was a little surprised to hear that she is a "counselor" and falls into the same trap as the rest of us. But then again.. isn't it always the shoe makers kids who wind up bare-foot.

 

Take this time to work on those things you feel need tending to. Take this time to keep busy and to explore your world. Try new things. Experiment with life a little bit. lol. Go to an OPERA if you've never been.... or Try a Rock Concert if you've never tried it. But don't sit at home and WALLOW. Life was meant to be lived. Live it.

[bungalo]

Hey Thanks Shadows/light and Beec. The reason I titled it "therapy" was because I needed to vent..you made some good points though about the triggers...which I already realized, but nice to have it confirmed. No, I'm not just sitting around..Ok I am sitting around MORE than when we were together..but I signed up for a night class..and I'm exercising and stuff like that. Yup been to Operas, the Symphony, many many rock concerts so no paucity of experiences for this lad. Thanks again