Dumper curious about dumpee?

[Captain34]

Have any of you ladies out there been curious about your ex after you broke things off? If so, can you try and elaborate why you were curious? Also, how did you go about trying to find out information about your ex?

 

I ask these questions because of recent developments. Today marks 5 weeks NC with my ex, which has been good for me. I began it because I came to the conclusion that any attempts at reconciliation were futile and only served to run me into the ground more and more. Moreover, although never direct, I felt like I was getting signs that my ex wanted me to let go so we could both put the relationship in the past.

 

However, after 3 weeks NC my ex's best friend made a comment during an unrelated conversation with mutual friends about "refusing all contact." I assume this meant my ex would refuse all of my contact...which is odd since at that point it had been 3 weeks NC, with the last contact being a phone call my ex returned. The call lasted 20 minutes, my ex kept it going when I tried to keep it short, and even told me she had been thinking about me. I suggested we meet up - I was hoping to establish that we could be cool since we would be living in the same community with mutual friends - and she said she would get back to me before she left town for vacation. I never heard from her before she left, so I decided best to begin NC. I am curious as to why my ex's friends would bring the breakup into conversation after 3 weeks NC. I would assume that it had become clear by that point I had let things go.

 

That was a couple weeks ago. Since then I have run into several of the ex's friends, and they have always been friendly, which I am glad for. Thing is, they seem to act over friendly. Any place I go where the ex's friends are at, whenever I turn around their eyes are on me. I am assuming the report back these encounters to my ex...

 

But what perplexes me more are the run ins with my ex's very close friend and roommate, the one who made the comment about "refusing all contact." I have seen her several times since then, and each time I get barraged with questions about where I live, who with, how my job is, etc etc. I wouldn't jump to say my ex is lining up spies to check on me, but I do assume I am still a topic of conversation, thus the raised curiosity among my ex's friends.

 

Question is, why am I seemingly still a topic of conversation? Why does my ex want to know whats going on with me? Does she just want some satisfaction that I am still hurting? (I am, but surprisingly not too much - big ups to NC!) I decided to start moving on because I wasn't getting anywhere wit my ex. But it was only after I started NC that I was hinted to stop contacting??? That just doesn't make sense. So if ym ex apparently wants to let go and move on, why the hell do her friends keep digging for information??

[Shadows Light]

Perhaps... her friends are only curious. Perhaps its just a conversational tool they are using with you... like.. "How's the weather?" etc. If you've changed residence's then of course they'd ask.. "so where are you living now?" "How is work?" "what are you doing with yourself these days?"

 

If anyones line of questioning seems invasive.. just smile that little smile and ask.. "Why do you want to know?" 9 times out of 10 it will fluster them.. if they are being invasive and have ulterior motives.

 

As far as what your X is doing.. why she is doing it.. and what she is thinking. Why do you care???? Its really no concern of yours anymore. If she's hung up on you or is digging... well let her dig away. Keep on moving in the forward direction that you've been going and don't look back.

 

I think most of the time in "break-up" situations, Friends don't know how to act. They are uncomfortable with the NEW situation. Its all NEW and FRESH. With time.. things will NORMALIZE. You will have become yesterdays old news if you already haven't.

[Captain34]

I can understand that the ex's friends might feel uncomfortable about the situation and may not know exactly what is the best way to act...which I would assume would lead to one of two possibilities:

 

1) Try to minimize contact or simply avoid much contact with me, but doing so in a polite and cordial way. This is not the case since each of my ex's friends seem to be making the effort to communicate with me...many of them, and it happens each and every time I see one of them.

 

OR

 

2) Trying to be friendly and show that things are cool between them and myself by engaging in some casual chit chat - such as talking about the weather like you mentioned. I don't feel that this is the case either. This is actually the angle I have personally taken - whenever I run into one of her friends I don't go out of my way to talk to them, but I do make a point to be cordial and say hello.

 

 

Perhaps I need to clarify myself a bit. THis one friend in particular of my ex's has been letting the questions fly like you wouldn't believe. Last time I ran into her there was a mutual hello and then she launched into her questioning. It wasn't idel chit chat, she was trying to get information out of me, and I am sure that anything she hears from me is most definitely reported back to my ex. Basically, if my ex didn't want anything to do with me, , wanted to put everything behind her in the past, than I truly doubt her very close friend would be so prying. Is she being invasive? Yes. I am positive she is being so because my ex wants to know what has been up with me - I haven't spoken with her, seen her, or even updated my online profile in weeks )coincidentally I am still awaiting internet access). My question is: why does my ex want to know whats going on with me?? Is she hoping for some satisfaction that things are not going well with me? I want to add that many things are going marvelously!

 

I like your suggestion to ask her what else she wants to know. I'm pretty sure I'm going to use that line next time I run into her.

 

And one last note...breakup happened just over two months ago, so things aren't that "fresh". I ran into this friend of my ex's SEVERAL times (she dates my friend) after the breakup, and she was always cordial - but she never once, on any occasion, questioned me in this manner. It was only after 3 weeks of NC that this all began. Which leads me to believe that my NC has affected my ex. That wasn't the intention for starting NC, but it sure is a desireable side effect.

[Shadows Light]

It could be that this friend is scooping information on you.. on her own. It makes her more valuable to your "X" to fill her in maybe on anything she reaps from you. "Gossip-monger". You're only speculating that "X" may have sent in a recon spy. It is possible. So what's the motive? (A) She wants to hear things are not going well with you and is jubilient (B) She's still interested in reeling you back in at some point.

 

But in the big picture, does it really matter? No. Not if you are done with her.

[Mr. Stealth]

i know when my ex left me.

my neighbours catched her still driving in my street while she didnt had to search for something or so.

its just curiosity.they want to know how youre doing and if you got someone else.thats my opinion.

[hjc]

My ex is definitely checking up on me. We had a brief text exchange (she asked me for help on something; actually quite reasonably as there is literally no-one else who would be able to help her) and she concluded by wishing me good luck with something which she would have no way of knowing about...unless she'd be snooping.

 

I like to think it is because she misses me and wants to get back together but actually I think it is just idle curiosity....