I'm not physically turned on...What should I do?

[jordan1176]

I posted a message a couple of weeks back and want to thank all who responded for their time and insight. Basically, I was having second thoughts about my relationship with the girl I love, and the general advice was that love is a wonderful experience to cherish, and to stay with it.

 

I realized that is true, and after asking her for a break, I realized I missed her so much and we decided to work through things together. A lot of my second guessing stems from the fact that I am beginning to realize I have my own issues to work on - for one I am a perfectionist - and I think it was affecting our relationship.

 

She is the sweetest person, and so willing to stand by me through thick and thin. She is also beautiful. But at the risk of sounding like a total jerk, I am not crazy about her body. I see so many girls with terrific bodies, especially because it is summer, and I really desire to physically be with them.

 

Is this normal, or will this issue persist and magnify itself over the years? I assume my girlfriend's body will only become less attractive to me over the years (and I understand even these seemingly perfect girls bodies will change too), but I am beginning to project my sexual frustration on my girlfriend in other forms - like being moody or aloof around her.

 

It's difficult because my thoughts sway back and forth. One second, I tell my self that I love my girlfriend and am certainly attracted to her enough that I can be with her - and then next second I am telling myself I might be denying myself what seems to be a real need - that is, being with someone who really fulfills me sexually. Realistically, there are certainly girls out there who are also sweet and kind, but also have the type of beauty that fulfills my desires.

 

Reading over this I realize I must sound so immature. And perhaps I am. But I can't deny what I am feeling and hope this forum can yield some helpful responses.

[babycristy456]

Jordan,

You don't seem immature or anything. But you gotta set yourself straight. You got to figure out what is going to make you happy. Ask yourself if this girl is worth letting go just because of her body. Is her body that horrible? If you find a girl that is as sweet and nice with a nicer body, will that make you a happier person?

 

Maybe it is yourself that you need to deal with. You sometimes need to see beyond the imperfection because this girl also deserves to be loved. But she also deserves to have someone to love her completely. If you don't think you can do that, and are starting to treat her wrong bc of your frustrations of her body, then save her the trouble with you.

 

Let her find someone who will love her and her beautiful self and go find someone who will make you happy.

 

Good Luck

 

Cristina

[Pengui6668]

Why not attempt to make her body better? you could hint at it without sounding like jerk.. ask her o go running with you or join a gym together.. i'm sure she wouldn't mind your body being a little better too... if she doesn't respond to subtle hints i think you're SOL... unfortunately i don't think you can bring this subject up without her flipping out and saying "you don't love me cause of my body, you never loved me blah bvlah" girls like to do that... so try subtle hints...

[za3raa69]

well im a girl and it happened to me with my last ex, but it wasnt his body, i just wasnt attracted to him physically.

if u were at least attracted a bit, dont let it ruin wat u guys have.

all guys have fantasies bout perfect bodies im sure of tht, just try to think of wat u like about her body and ignore wat u dont like, i hope that might help.

 

Goodluck! see ya!

[Lanni]

I think it is really important to be attracted to your partner. It is also very importnt to be proud of them. But, you really have to go with your gut and your needs. She may be a really sweet person but if you don't have the basic attraction to her, then you need to decide what is important to you. You aren't being fair to her or yourself if you are settling.

[Genesis]

Jordan,

 

What do think it is that makes you not be interested in your girlfriend any more?

 

What about her body do you not like, is it her breast or is she underweight or overweight?

 

My ex said the same thing to me, he was no longer attracted, so we broke up then four months later he wants me back.

 

I have no trust for him at all, I still care for him but it is not like it use to be. It really hurts my feelings b/c I know that during the four months we were not together he was probably "spreading his seed" like you said in your other post.

 

I just do not get men! I think if a man had his dream woman he would still cheat on her.

 

Let your girlfriend go. I know what it feels like to feel like @#$% b/c some man does not want to sleep with you anymore. It hurt me so bad that I just can not forgive him. I will never trust him, even if I want to be with him so bad, I just do not trust him.

 

What made you attracted to her in the first place? How did it just fade, was it lust?

 

I think once you live out your lustful dreams you still will be unhappy and lonely.

[slider]

jordan1176,

 

I felt the same way about my ex to the point where I was treating her really bad and eventually she left me for someone else. I go out with the type of girls that I thought was what I wanted but they do not match up personality wise. We don't click. Right now I wish I didn't let her go. She is happy with the other guy and I'm on this board trying to heal from the stupid mistakes I've made in the past. My advice to you would be to see a therapist and work through these thoughts. My ex actually wanted me to and I said "no way". If I could go back in time, I'd do it.

 

I ask myself everyday if I'll ever change. I lost 3 wonderful women this way and I don't want to lose another. All very good looking yet I seemed to get tired of them physically. I learned my lesson that you have to look deeper than what you see on the outside. "Looks" should be the attribute that attracts them to you - the personality is what sustains a relationship long after all else fades. Don't make the same mistake I did, you will regret it - it's not greener on this side.

[jordan1176]

With respect to your questions:

 

What about her body do you not like, is it her breast or is she underweight or overweight?

 

I guess she is a little overweight. She's on the short side, so she's a bit stocky and I am not attracted to her butt. I just wish it was smaller and more firm.

 

What made you attracted to her in the first place? How did it just fade, was it lust?

 

It was never lust. She has a very pretty face, and the night I met her I couldn't take my eyes off her. But shortly after we met, she went back to school to finish up. It was a long distance relationship, so I really just fell in love with her as a person, and it was great when we saw each other. But from day one I questioned my overall attraction to her body. Obviously there is so much more to a person than the outside, and I really fell in love with who she was. Again, her face is very pretty, so it was never a struggle. But when we are alone and intimate, I always desire a more firm person.

 

She goes to the gym, but really looks the same. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that she probably would want my body to be better. At the risk of sounding egotistical, she is admittedly turned on by my body. I happen to take great care of it and go the gym often. But she certainly wants to be loved completely, and deserves to be.

 

That's why I understand the advice mentioning that I should let her go. It's just very difficult because I feel like this is a lot about me, and once I realize what's important in life, I will regret letting such a special person go.

[jordan1176]

Slider -

 

thanks very much for your post. it seems you really struggle with the exact same issue that i do. i will certainly heed your advice. my only comment is that perhaps you just haven't met THE girl yet. could it be possible that there is a girl that meets ALL your needs? maybe you regret doing what you did b/c you just haven't met the right girl yet, and are second guessing your decision.

[slider]

jordan1176,

 

Actually it wasn't my decision to separate. She left me and still called and wanted to get back together even after I treated her badly. I didn't return her calls so she started dating someone else and is with that person now.

 

Maybe you're right in that she may not fulfill ALL my needs. But sheez, it happens EVERY time (this physical attraction thing). I'm attracted to them physically in the beginning. I think there maybe something wrong with me already. I'm not "second guessing my decision", I'm flat out saying I made a mistake. All I know is that I would take her back in a heartbeat.

 

In your case, at least after I've read the description of both of you, maybe it would be better if you think this thing over more. Gee, you ARE in a bind. Especially if you are in top shape and frequent the gym - lots of single "hotties" around. You being in great shape, her not? A little different than my situation then. My ex is physically attractive with a pretty face and an above average body. I don't know what to tell you except I may have let "THE ONE" get away.

[Genesis]

I think the two of you should really think about your attitudes about womens bodies.

 

If you want to have a fulfilling long lasting relationship with someone you will have to realize that peoples bodies change. What do plan on doing when you marry your supermodel trophy girl wife and she gets pregnant and gains 20-60 pounds of baby weight. It may take her a long time to loose that weight unless you plan on paying for a personal trainer. Also would you want your woman to follow such strict rules when judging you , when you start to get older and gain weight. I read somewhere that woman gain 1-5 pounds a year after they get married.

 

Just remember you never know what you are going to get when you marry a girl, I know so many girls who are 110 pounds when they get married then gain a lot of weight later. The mother rule does not work either b/c I know of girls who's mother looks 10 times better than their daughter. The mother would be thin and the daughter was chunky.

 

Good Luck, The grass is not always greener , so start watering your own grass.

[its your life]

Here's my take. I've always believed that you have to have an initial physical attraction to a girl in order for there to be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to ever occur. Once that is set, you begin to learn about your partner and see if your interests, morals and ideas for fun are tolerable and worth extending! For me, personality makes an 'okay' girl look like a super model. Being able to connect with that girl on that higher level through long conversations and just being able to look at the other person and know what they are thinking is more important than the fact that she has a few extra pounds. No one is perfect and if you feel strong about this girl you should talk out your concerns and then move on together. Maybe you need to rekindle your initial love interest by getting to know her all over again by doing something romantic...

[princeamir]

Oh my God, Jordan I thought I was alone in the world. I have the exact same problem. I love my girlfriend. She is totally perfect (except the body). When I hold her, I can't let her go. But when I see these hot perfect chicks, I think to myself, why am I making myself suffer? This is especially exagerated when I am (I don't mean to brag) considered by most people to be very attractive. I am tall, I work out everyday, and everybody that has met me has mentioned something about my good looks. I know this sounds shallow to some people but its true. I feel your pain buddy. A lot of times I've been at clubs with my girlfriend and when she wasn't there, hot girls would come up to me and ask me why I'm with her. They tell me that I deserve so much better. They mean nothing to me where as my girlfriend means so much, but when you hear something repeatedly for a long period of time, it starts to make you think. I'm only 23 and right now I don't know what my dilema even is! I don't know whether I should stay with this girl because she is the perfect partner, or break up with her. A few days ago, I was feeling so trapped that I said I needed a break (we've been together for 3 years). But even with her accepting my need to take a break, I find that I still keep calling her because I just love her. I really need help because this is killing me. Thanks for any advice people.

[Dreamer1]

Hi. This is my first time here, but I was reading about your situation and I thought maybe I could give some input.

 

When I first met my current boyfriend, it was about a year ago. And honestly, I wasn't attracted to him at all. As mean as it sounds, all my friends told me they thought he was unattractive etc. But as the months went by and we hung out and had so much fun together I just feel in love. Now I think he's very attractive. He's not in great shape, he's a little overweight and I understand your concern with your girlfriend's figure. Sometimes I wish he would lose weight or something but I still am attracted to him, and maybe its more because I love him so much. There are definitely other guys out there that I find more attractive. But I know they don't have the personality he does. And I definitely wouldnt give up being with him because he's not the greatest looking person out there.

 

I guess you should just think about how much you love her, and if this is something you can deal with. Can your emotions for her overcome the physical. I do absolutely think you need to be attracted to her somewhat.....without a doubt. You can't have a successful relationship in my opinion without a physical connection of some kind. But maybe you are being too picky. The "world" always persists on perfection when it comes to our bodies, and sometimes I think its very unrealistic. Are you being realistic with your expectations?

 

I hope this helps.