Falling for a married woman

[jdk77]

Hi everyone,

First post here. Please dont crucify me or judge me because I already feel guilty for this, but It wasnt like I chose for this to happen. Before I start, I just want to make the point that I am VERY picky about girls, and although I am attracted maybe physically to alot of women, I dont feel an attraction to many women because I am.. well, like I said, VERY picky. Anyways here goes..

I have just moved to a new city a few weeks ago, and I was going in to start a new checking account at a bank nearby. The girl opening the account with me brought me over to her desk, and remember thinking "shes pretty cute" as we were walking over there. We started off by talking about the account and then I noticed she would ask me questions that would pry a little bit to get info about me that were a little on the more personal side (in other words, that had nothing to do with a bank account). Then I started to do the same with her, and I mixed in some good witty humor and had her cracking up pretty good. Before I knew it, we'd been talking for a good hour about things like past relationships, our families, pets, etc. She even was showing me pics of her cat on her cellphone. Then I noticed something... she had a ring on. Oh no... that cant be good.. right? Well, some girls wear rings just to keep guys away, right? As Im thinking this I noticed the last name on her name tag was different then the last name on her business card. . I finally said I had to go, and I met my brother out for some pizza. Then as we were eating I noticed I could not get this girl out of my head. I mean.. I havent felt a connection with someone like that in years. We had major chemistry, and she is SO cute. I made up some excuse to call her at work. I ducked into the bathroom and called over there and talked to her and said that I had a few more questions about the account or whatever. I just wanted to talk to her some more. The next day I went in to make a deposit, and I made up another excuse to make an appointment with her. We talked for another good hour before we realized there were customers waiting to see her. She then invited me to the bank BBQ that saturday. I went, and to make a long story short, it was a little awkward. There were alot of her co-workers around probably secretly wondering what was going on with us. I tried not to be clingy so that it wouldnt look so obvious.

Now i've tried to stay away for a week to keep her guessing, and to give her some time to think. I dont exactly know what her marital situation is, as I havent found a way to bring it up. She has never mentioned her husband even once. But I know that I am insanely attracted to this girl and I cant stop thinking about her. I havent been like this in maybe 6 or 7 years. I get alot of people who are telling me "Shes married, stay away" and "Why cant you pick a gir who is singlel", etc, etc. But the thing is.. you cant pick who you are attracted too. It just happens. Its not everyday you meet someone that you connect with like that. Its not like I was thinking "I think Ill go to the bank and try to hook up with a banker today". So Whats my play here? How can I make this evolve? Please dont tell me to stay away as its not even an option here. I need to at least explore it a little. I believe if I play my cards right, this has major potential. Can anyone give me some advice?

[avman]

How can I make this evolve? Please dont tell me to stay away as its not even an option here

 

Of course it's an option. It is only not an option if you refuse to consider it.

 

I'm not going to tell you how to make this happen. It is destined to blow up in both of your faces. You get hurt. She gets hurt. And most importantly her husband (and children?) get hurt and they don't even have a choice in the matter.

 

Whether she is separated or not - she's still wearing the wedding ring. Thats a signal that she is IN a relationship. While your original intentions weren't to score with a married banker - your current intentions ARE to do just that.

 

Let it go.

 

Oh, and please don't swear here.

[southerngirl]

I think you should let this go. If in fact she is married then drop the persuit. Lets say she did have an affair with you, even worse, left her husband for you.. What about kids if she has any? Could you ever even trust her?

[brando]

but It wasnt like I chose for this to happen.

 

Don't tell me you believe yourself here... you chose once you continued flirting, and agreeing to go to her BBQ. You do not want to ask her about her marriage, or if she is married, because you really don't want to know.

 

And please stop pretending you have no control over this. You and I both know this isnt true. She is married, and why would you be interested in a woman who is committed to someone else and is looking to play around. It is a sign to me of an unfaithful woman.

 

You need to ask yourself why you are interested????

I don't care how cute she appears, do yourself a favor and stay away. It looks like a disater waiting to happen. Don't be the fall guy.

[justpaisley]

Your next "play" is to change banks and stay away from this girl. So what happens if she leaves her family (a truly horrible, classless thing to do) to be with you? Won't you always wonder if she'll leave you for another handsome stranger that walks into her bank? Do you really want to be a homewrecker?

 

Of course we don't choose to whom we are attracted. We do, however, choose what we do with that attraction - exploring this is not an option, and I doubt you'll find any support for breaking up a marriage here.

 

I know you've just moved to a new city and are probably clinging to her to try to gain some familiarity. Get out and make more friends, go after girls that haven't already made sacred and legal binding vows to someone else, and get a few hobbies that will keep your mind off of her. You can get past this infatuation (and that's all it is!) if you stop contacting her.

[Rabican]

Stay away. Dont be a homewrecker. FInd someone whos not married. Tell her if she wants anything with you, she needs to be separated or divorced from her man first.

 

I want a millon dollars, but you know what... sometimes ya just gotta do without man. You know what you should do, walk away. The test, and true reflection of your character will be in what you do.

[ozomega]

jdk77,

 

You've received some good advice here.

 

All I would add is if you are so interested in this woman ask her up front if she is married-never assume anything (it makes an * * * out of u and me.)

 

You said in your original post, "we'd been talking for a good hour about things like past relationships, our families, pets, etc."

 

Hmmm... and in that hour long conversation about "relationships...families...etc" she neglected to mention whether she presently had/ever had a husband? That either means she's single or she's being dishonest. Do you really want to pursue a woman who would behave like that and flirt with customers at work, cheat on her husband... You would never be able to trust her if you pursued this and if you got serious you would always be wondering who else she was cheating with.

 

If she's married - stay away!

If she gives you some line about being in an unhappy marriage, wait til she's divorced before you even consider pursuing this to the next level. But don't you be the catalyst for a divorce-she would end up resenting you beacuse divorces are hard on everyone.

 

As I said, you've received some good advice here - married women are UNAVAILABLE - get that through your head. If she's presently married she is UNAVAILABLE. Period.

 

Or is this a case of wanting what you think you can't have?

If so, if you got what you want you wouldn't want it anymore-

you'd be chasing someone else you couldn't have. Seen it all before.

 

Think with your brain and not with your raging hormones man!

[Alive2]

that's the way the best relationships start anyway so if you want a good relationship then why should this one be any different? If she is married and not interested she will let you know or you will figure it out soon enough and you still have a friend (maybe she has other more eligible and even more desirable girlfriends) ... if she isn't married or is married and wants a more intimate relationship with you for whatever reason (polyamorous/swinger, separated, exploring her options, evaluating the market, etc) then you are in a better position to assess the relationship options (e.g. just a friend, serious GF, mistress, friend with benefits, etc). At this point, you don't have enough intel to make an educated choice unless all you really want is a "one-night stand" in which case good luck!!