ex is seeing someone new

[cherriecheek]

this is the first time in 3 months i heard of him actually "seeing" a girl, not from any mutal friends, but from an away message online. as much as i want to contact him, i cant because im too hurt. so its easy for me to keep NC.

 

i dont know what to do from here. i do still wonder if he thinks of me, or if he compares me to this new girl. is this good for the grieving process to know of him with someone else? i guess im looking for advice or stories of people in similar situations? im looking for something...anything....

[dreynolds]

It's probably a good thing - because it's just proof that YOU must move on - let go and realize that this is your life, and it's you and only you who is in charge of it.

 

Hopefully it will give you the strength to say to yourself "you know what - he's gone, and off with someone else, having a good time, enjoying his life, and here I am, letting HIM make my life miserable". Hopefully that will give you the strength to get that LIFTING that you need to get on with you. It doesn't mean you won't still think of him, or miss him at times - those feelings fade over time....but you will realize that "hey, wait a second here - why am I letting him run my life and make me feel this way..."....and do something about it....

[flooglebinder]

I'm starting to think my ex (of one week) met someone before we split. We have split before, in similar circumstances and were apart for 8 months. When we got back together she told me that all the time she was with him she was thinking of me. If there is a point to this it is that people will move on and meet someone else but it will be different, not the same as being with you, it never will be. We shouldnt compare, tho we do, we shouldnt wonder if they are thinking of us like we are thinking of them, tho we do. And that is all part of this horrible legacy. But life goes on and so must we. We must change from dependant to independent and when we do we are somewhat healed!! I hope for that day.

[joyce1412]

hey sweetie, i'm in the same boat. found out a few weeks ago that my ex is probably seeing someone--an acquaintance of mine at that. it was awful. i emerged into a pretty deep depression there for a couple weeks. i was so angry at the friend who told me this information after i had told her months ago to never tell me anything about my ex.

 

but at this point, i am a little bit glad that i know. it really changed my outlook on the situation. before i was moving on, but kept slipping into wondering if he wanted me back. now i actually try to think of him with the new girl, even though their togetherness has not been "confirmed," because in that case it can only go up from here. i was dreading the day that i would get the news about him being with another, but these days i am feeling sort of indifferent. a few times a day it will hit me, and i'll get sad, but it really has pushed me to move on more quickly. i have no excuse to dwell on him anymore.

 

i know this girl, and i don't think she's half the woman i am. i am strong, smart, funny, loyal, loving, beautiful, and a lot of other things, and it's not my fault my ex didn't appreciate that., but it's definitely his loss. i had so much love to give him, and i know in my heart that i could have given him so much more than his new girl ever will. try to get into this frame of mind for your own situation. when all else fails, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

 

it still makes me sad that we won't be together again, but it's given me a sort of freedom that i hadn't felt in the previous months post-breakup. i am becoming a lot happier with my life as a single girl as almost all traces of hope have disappeared from me. i have accepted that my ex is not the one, so now i have a different kind of hope, which is hope for the future that i will find someone better and be even happier, and hope that i will learn to make myself happy on my own.

[Rob38]

I am in a similar boat. my ex has been with someone for a little over a month now. it has helped em tremendously to really move on. The best way to handle it is with grace. Be confident in yourself, and have some pride within yourself. I know that i am a great person and I know that she will have a ahrd time replacing that. If it's meant to be it finds a way, but definitely let the ex play the field out. Don't be bitter about it. I actually sent her an email saying that I am happy to know that she is happy. I'm sure she was floored by that. But continue NC from there, and if you talk again, you will either not want anything to do with them or you may end up talking again. Who knows what happens in the future and more importantly, you realize what you had when you dont have it anymore...so if you were truly a good ex to them, they can never forget that. Take some time and improve yourself, and you regain that power back slowly, but surely.

[joyce1412]

rob, that was a good post. just wanted to respond to a few things you said.

 

Be confident in yourself, and have some pride within yourself. I know that i am a great person and I know that she will have a ahrd time replacing that.

 

i think this is the best thing you can do. because the truth is, your ex COULD date this girl for a while. it is within the realm of reality, and if not this girl, eventually he will find someone and stick with her...eventually, we all do. if he enters a real relationship anytime soon, you might start to hurt wondering how he could be with another, and seemingly love her more.

 

but if you believe in yourself at the end of the day, that's all that matters. what's important is what you know and feel, and if you tell yourself that you are irreplaceable, and find reasons to believe in that, then that will be your comfort at the end of the day. and you can assure yourself that he is missing out by not being with you. are you a good cook? affectionate? well-read? great in bed? tell yourself everything that you're good at, everything that he's going to have a hard time finding elsewhere. SO uplifting.

 

but definitely let the ex play the field out.

 

i agree with this. as much as it hurts to see your ex with someone else, don't take it personally. your ex is looking for love and/or companionship just like everyone else, and he's probably going to take a few wrong turns along the way, too. and don't assume that your relationship didn't mean anything to him just because he's starting to date after a few months.

 

Who knows what happens in the future and more importantly, you realize what you had when you dont have it anymore...so if you were truly a good ex to them, they can never forget that.

 

i tend to think that it's not the best idea to focus on anything, or any outcome, that hinges on how your ex will react to something. true, he might remember that you were a great girlfriend and come running back, but you can never be certain that ANYONE will see you for who you are, even if you're an amazing person. just because you are something doesn't mean he will recognize it. your ex could start to date someone else and be more into her even if she's not as great of a girlfriend as you are...sometimes, that's just the way the world works.

 

i just mean to point this out because even if he doesn't wake up and come back, it doesn't mean that you aren't special or worthy of being missed by him. the decisions and thought processes of others are beyond control, unpredictable, and not worth pinning your hopes on.

[cherriecheek]

thank you everyone for your solid advice and wonderful posts.

 

im taking a little bit of what each of you said and using that in my healing process.

 

joyce and rob, your definitely right, i HAVE to let him play the field out. as much as it hurts, i have no choice. HE made the choice to end it, thereforeeee, i have to give him exactly what he wants...time away from "us".

 

i have to admit that i have started casually dating someone as well...and part of me didnt want him to find out because i feared he would come back to me. its not that i dont love him, but i was afraid his motives would be based on how i moved on and him having issues with accepting that fact that i was with other people. if he ever come back, it must be genuine without external factors, and i dont see how that would be possible after 3 months.

 

about two weeks ago he pulled the "i love you, i miss you" card. BUT we were at a mutal friends party and there was drinks involved. convienant situation if i may say so myself. since then...crickets.

[moonflowers]

Best of luck to you. My situation is actually eerily similar to joyce's, except that instead of just finding out via the grapevine, I had the pleasure of receiving direct confirmation that my ex was seeing someone new over link removed.

 

For me, finding out was the kick-start that got me out of my old vain hopes that he would come back to me. I'd been struggling with really letting go for months, and when the news hit, I felt like I'd been dumped all over again. But now I'm doing even better than I did before, because I've been forced to really get over him, to really let go, and it's made all the difference.

 

Honestly, I wonder sometimes too if my ex is remembering me, comparing the new girl to me, etc. I believe that if your ex is human in any way, he's going to think of you, but he won't ever let you know, just like how you're thinking of him, but not talking about it to him directly.