emotional depth of a mud puddle?

[Gath]

Emotions seem a bit mysterious to me. I think of myself as a happy person, I'm definetly content, things are good for me. But my gf complains sometimes that I dont seem to have any feelings. A previous relationship preffered to say that I had an iron heart, although she meant it (or so I thought at the time) as a compliment, since it always came up because of the way I handled difficult situations.

 

My job required me to move 2000 miles from every friend I ever had, and all the family I'd ever known. It didn't bother me at all, I talk to them and visit when I can, but I often wonder if I should miss them, or at least feel something. I get along fine with just about anyone I meet, and get invited out plenty. People laugh at my jokes, tell me I have a good sense of humor. They wave at me when I walk by at work. That part of my life seems as normal as anyone elses.

 

The problem is I dont seem to have much luck with personal relationships. I seem to have a hard time getting close to people. My current GF says I'm wound too tight, but I don't think thats really it. Friends at work say I'm a different person when I'm drunk, which I suppose is partly true, but even then I just start grinning like an idiot and making even sillier jokes than usual.

 

My current relationship is definetly on the rocks, it started with me having to move again (six month temporary relocation, I fly back to visit about once a month or so). I don't really think about her much anymore, although I try to call her often. When I visit, things seem allright, I still enjoy being with her. She seems to think something is wrong though, and apoligizes for what she perceives as her faults a lot. I try to lift her up, but its not something I'm having much luck with.

 

I don't really have any idea what to do. I'd rather not have another broken relationship, but I don't know how to fix whats wrong. Or even if I should. I don't really know if I always felt this way, but I don't remember a time where I felt differently.

 

I don't like the idea that I'm a shallow person, its not the way I think of myself. I've always sought to be strong, resolute, and dependable. I try to do the right thing and uplift the people around me. What can I do to expand myself?

[NJRon]

Was I in your shoes... wow. That's a tough one because, while I experienced it, I really don't know how I dug myself out of it.

 

1. If you aren't missing your girlfriend, that's a very bad sign. You are focusing your intentions on something else.

 

2. If you don't miss your friends or family, then, well.. I don't know what to say... because I don't really either. Infrequent contact is plenty for me... though I love them all.

 

If you are *really* doing what you want to do.. and not just what you think you should be doing, then you should be in a groove. If you aren't, you need to examine that.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

perhaps you have a problem with intimacy.... maybe your "iron heart" isn't really a symptom of being strong...but perhaps a fear of getting too close.

 

Maybe you don't miss your girlfriend because you don't allow yourself to miss her and the same goes for your family.

[NJRon]

perhaps you have a problem with intimacy.... maybe your "iron heart" isn't really a symptom of being strong...but perhaps a fear of getting too close.

 

Maybe you don't miss your girlfriend because you don't allow yourself to miss her and the same goes for your family.

 

I think that is something to give serious thought to. That's deep... and soul searching.

[Gath]

perhaps you have a problem with intimacy.... maybe your "iron heart" isn't really a symptom of being strong...but perhaps a fear of getting too close.

 

Maybe you don't miss your girlfriend because you don't allow yourself to miss her and the same goes for your family.

 

its a logical thought, but I have no idea how to let myself get any closer. When I've tried to talk to her about my own hobbies, things I'm interested in, she seems to quickly lose interest, often changing the subject. So I quit talking about those things, and mostly we end up talking about her. I work a lot, but while I find my job interesting, she's made it quite obvious she doesn't. So I'm at a loss as to what more I could open up about. I guess I'm an introspective (I believe that means inward thinking) person, but I try hard to be outgoing and social.

 

Lately, especially with the LDR situation, I've been trying to find some more hobbies to expand myself beyond someone who goes to work, goes to the bar, watches sports, excersises, and plays video games. I don't know if this will help me to have more depth, but its all I've been able to think of. I would definetly apreciate advice in this area.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Intimacy= vulnerability.

 

Perhaps she's bored with your hobbies and work conversation because those things can be "fluff" talk...she may be looking for you to open up and let her see who you are.

 

Filling your life with hobbies and work are things we do to occupy our minds- not our hearts.

[Gath]

Was I in your shoes... wow. That's a tough one because, while I experienced it, I really don't know how I dug myself out of it.

 

1. If you aren't missing your girlfriend, that's a very bad sign. You are focusing your intentions on something else.

 

2. If you don't miss your friends or family, then, well.. I don't know what to say... because I don't really either. Infrequent contact is plenty for me... though I love them all.

 

If you are *really* doing what you want to do.. and not just what you think you should be doing, then you should be in a groove. If you aren't, you need to examine that.

 

Well, thinking about her constantly when she's 600 miles away wouldn't make my situation any better. And I do tend to spend my whole day busy. I work a lot, and try to have enough fun to keep my life interesting.

 

But it does still concern me that I don't seem to miss her as much as other people I know miss their significant others. I end up wondering if there's something wrong with me, a piece missing from my jigsaw puzzle. Or maybe I am just a shallow mudpuddle.

[NJRon]

You have shut off your feelings. You are thinking with only your logical brain. No offense, but you sound like Mr. Spock right now (and I am not a trekkie)... You are not shallow, otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking about this stuff... you are trying to get in touch with your feelings but have no experience. You're getting there. Don't get discouraged.

 

These are *exactly* the things that people who are *not* shallow talk about.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I agree with NJRon....the very fact that you are questioning and concerned says you are not shallow.

 

I think you are very much a logical thinker which causes you to rationalize your feelings. For example when you said that thinking about her wouldn't make your situation any better. You rationlized yourself right out missing her. The mind is a powerful thing. I understand this because i can rationalize myself out of just about anything. lol But i choose, in regards to relationships, to not rationalize...but just experience my experience.

 

I feel that there is an eliment of trust when it comes to intimacy. do you have a problemt trusting? do you like to be in control of situations? Know where you are going? Schedules, lists..things like that?

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Gath,

 

From what I've gathered from reading your posts, you're very content with yourself and comfortable inside of your own skin. Take a minute to browse this forum and you'll witness a countless number of posters who are depressed and looking for answers to their own unhappiness. You are certainly a rarity on these boards.

 

With that, it seems your confusion is stemming from an outside source (your girlfriend). Also, it should be noted that today's society often puts pressures on males to "get in touch with their softer side." This has been referred to as the "feminization of America" and, unfortunately, is adopted by the majority of our society.

 

Since you appear to be currently happy with yourself and are only desiring a change because of outside pressures, I would advise you to look carefully at your determination to get in touch with your more sensitive side. Trust me, being shallow does not correlate with being unemotional. Again, look at the boards and you'll witness countless shallow people riding the edges of emotional breakdowns. In other words, you can still be deep with an "Iron Heart."

 

As far as your relationships go, maybe you should look for women who are more understanding of your nature.

[bulletproof]

Maybe this girlfriend isn't the right one for you. Do you feel passionate about other things in your life, like your job or your hobbies? Do you ever get emotionally charged from movies or music or art? What about your physical relationship with your girlfriend? Do you feel anything intense then?

 

People often emotionally detach themselves to protect themselves from pain. Chances are your family members are similar, and that is why you feel okay not missing them, either. I also noticed that you seek to be strong, and dependable. Just be careful that you are not doing that at the expense of allowing yourself to depend on others sometimes, too.

[Gath]

]You have shut off your feelings. You are thinking with only your logical brain. No offense, but you sound like Mr. Spock right now (and I am not a trekkie)... You are not shallow, otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking about this stuff... you are trying to get in touch with your feelings but have no experience. You're getting there. Don't get discouraged.

 

These are *exactly* the things that people who are *not* shallow talk about.

 

Thanks, I too try to look at things from that perspective. I don't activly try to be cold, but I've always felt if you let things bother you, it only makes the situation worse. Best way to get out of a hole is think about how you got there, rather than bash on the wall. But at the same time, my attitude seems to make other things difficult, and having a good personal relationship is important to me. I'd like to find a balance between the two, but I can't seem to find a way to get there from here. I'm still pretty young, and I'd really like to change myself before its too late.

 

I feel that there is an eliment of trust when it comes to intimacy. do you have a problemt trusting? do you like to be in control of situations? Know where you are going? Schedules, lists..things like that?

 

It could be said I have a problem trusting people. I dont like to place myself in a situation where I'm reliant on someone else's actions. Its served me well in my career, I'm a take charge kind of guy who gets things done. My bosses have all apreciated it, and relied upon me. When I'm not at work I do try to relax, but my girlfriend is pretty indecisive and if I dont plan something out, we often don't end up actually doing anything. I'd really like it if she got a little more involved, but the only time I brought it up she took it wrong and apolgized for being boring. Something I don't think of her being at all.

[Gath]

Down-In-A-Hole, I do consider myself happy with myself. Sure I have down days like anyone, but I've always believed that how I feel is a choice, and when I'm down I do my best to focus on the good things I've got going on. I don't know if I want to be more sensitive, or just learn to express the feelings I do feel, but I'd like to see my girlfriend happy, and if putting a little color in my heart can do that, I'm willing to try. I just don't know how to begin. And while I haven't had a great number of girlfriends, part of what I find so attractive about the ladyfolk is all those bubbly emotions they get.

 

 

 

 

 

I've thought about that. There are other things we don't match up well with. But my life is even better when she's around and I'd like to see if I can make the relationship work.

 

I dont think my family are like me, my mother certainly isn't. She constantly asks me to visit home, which is unfortunately expensive and very time consuming. My father is to some degree, but he's always been more passionate about his interests than I have in mine.

 

As to the rest, I don't know if I would say I'm passionate about those things, but they do give me a great deal of satisfaction and enjoyment. And I'll hoot and holler when my team is winning, although perhaps not to the same degree as others. Most of my interests I follow for the personal challenge they offer.

 

 

 

I apreciate everyone's responses so far. I think its been helpful just talking about it. I've been trying to think my way through this issue for a long time without much luck.