Had a bad weekend, thoughts of him...

[Delusion]

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[joyce1412]

i'm sorry karen. i've been having a rough week as well. for different reasons, but a terribly rough week nevertheless. (actually, i'm at five months since the breakup and about two months NC--we're almost in sync, sorta?)

 

it sounds like it would be a really good idea for you to be single right now. i'm sorry things didn't work out with this guy leaving, but maybe it's a blessing. wouldn't it be nice to know by the time you do get in a relationship that you can stand on your own two feet? that you can be okay without the support of a guy? i think some time spent on recovery and devoting yourself to YOU would be pretty great.

 

if you feel like you want to call the ex, post here. i'll do my best to respond, that's for sure! you're welcome to PM me as well. strangely, like you, i've had the teeniest urge to call my ex lately, which is weird because NC was always easy for me. however, i find it helpful to consider how a conversation would go with my ex, and what would result from it if i actually were to call him. i can say with certainty he would be glad to hear from me, because he's already badgered me about being "friends," and i don't think i'm flattering myself unnecessarily by saying that i'm sure he misses my company. but that's pretty much it--it would be a cordial conversation, we'd be "friends" and he STILL wouldn't want to be with me. when i think about it that way, calling him doesn't sound so grand. can you do the same thing for yourself? just try to imagine the situation in the realm of reality and not fantasy, because then you'll remember that you're not going to get what you WANT out of the call, so not calling becomes much easier. see what i mean?

 

as for "messing it up" with this guy, do you really think you screwed it up? i don't know the situation so much but i doubt your guy is leaving the country because of you! but let's say you did repeat some of the same mistakes of your last relationship--big deal. you live and you learn. i believe it's a buddhist philosophy that i read that says life will present the same problems and situations to you over and over until you learn from them and correct the behavior. (okay, it sounded better the way it was originally phrased, but i'm doing my best here!) maybe these two guys were put in your life so you could learn that lesson for good.

 

let us know how you're doing. and by the way, i HEAR things do get better...

[joyce1412]

hey karen, that link didn't work for me, but if it was your very first post detailing your breakup, i read it.

 

well, based on what you wrote, it does sound like your behavior caused some drama and stress. it must be hard for you since your ex specifically cited your behavior as the reason for the breakup, so you do have to deal with feeling like you drove him off. when i think about the things i did to mess up the relationship...man. it hurts. those are some of my saddest moments. i think about the times i knew we were already on thin ice, and then i made a big deal out of this or that, and i think, god, how could i?

 

but you can't change the past. the past is gone and it's never coming back. it doesn't matter anymore, it really doesn't. i know this doesn't help you in terms of your ex, but all you can do is handle what you have in the present.

 

one of the reasons you're so upset by the breakup is that your ex saw these behaviors and you KNEW what you were doing was wrong. think about it: if your ex said he wanted to break up because of x or y, and you didn't think you needed to change x or y about yourself, you'd say, "well, screw you then. i don't care what you think," and then you would move on. the way i see it, getting you to like yourself again, and correcting some of your flaws, is half the battle. half of the pain you are going through is knowing that you don't like yourself the way you are.

 

i think you'll start to feel a lot better when you fix whatever it is about yourself that bothers both you and your ex. at least then you can say, "well, my ex was wrong about me that i wouldn't change. i'm an even better person and it's his loss he didn't want to stick around!" i think after a breakup, what really matters is what you know deep in your heart. i know deep in my heart that i'm a great catch, and i loved my ex completely, and put up with a lot of trials due to his constantly being away...trials that a lot of women wouldn't put up with. it is because of what i KNOW about me, and how deeply i felt for him, that i KNOW my ex should regret losing me, even if he never does. deep in your heart you'll know that you gave it your best shot at the time, and you are an even greater person now and will be even better a few months from now, so it's his loss that he gave up.

 

once you've worked on yourself, there may still be the pain of feeling like you missed your chance with your ex. it sounds like you really cared for him, but like i said, i'm sure you did the best you could at the time. everyone has their flaws, even your ex. but he did not accept you for you, flaws and all. while i do believe you could benefit from working on yourself, i think you will also find someone who will love you even with all your idiosyncrasies.

 

how come you cannot be friends with him? has he rejected you? i have to say though, it would probably be hard even if he wanted to. you might have to face facts that he is over you, or even see him move onto someone else. those are certainly some of my top reasons for not being friends with my ex (they sit high on the list with "he's a jerk and broke my heart."

 

i think my ex was my first true love, too...my first serious relationship as well. you're right, it doesn't make it any easier.

 

wow, that was a novel! hope that helps. have a better day tomorrow.

[joyce1412]

hey karen, i'm glad to be of help.

 

well, this is what i gather and what you have probably already figured out: you have unfortunately dug a pretty deep hole for yourself. you brought a certain amount of drama to the relationship and by calling him that night and saying you didn't love him...that probably "confirmed" the negative things he had been thinking about you. if you two have ANY future contact, be sure to not do ANYTHING that puts you in the realm of confirming his analysis of you and why you two won't work. i understand why you did it, you must have been so hurt by the breakup and his minimal contact with you. but the trick is, if you really do want someone back, you have to put aside the hurt and anger and never give him any ammunition against you by behaving badly. my ex was a total jerk to me, but the truth is, i have done and will do everything in my power to not give him any reason to think i am bitter, or jealous, or petty since he has broken up with me. instead i will give him no more reasons to support the decision he made. i'm biased ( but i think losing me was the biggest mistake he ever made, and i'll prove it. i'll prove it to the world and to myself and to him.

 

you said, "I also remember him telling him once after an argument that he thought that maybe I continued having bad reactions b/c he allowed me to act that way." i think that's definitely true. i think it's human nature to do whatever we frigging feel like if we think we can get away with it, even if it sometimes hurts the people we love. i cringe about some of the things i did in my relationship, little things i did here and there because i thought he put up with it or it didn't really affect him. truth is, i still don't know what annoyed him about me, but i do know there were certain ways i took him for granted, and just knowing that hurts. all the bad behavior affects the people we love, it's just that sometimes they're mature enough to not show it. maybe one thing you can work on is being your best self at all times, without consideration to what you can get away with, and pulling back on all unnecessary drama and talking through things instead of doing the "silent treatment" (god knows women love that one, i know i do!)

 

i have a feeling about a lot of people on these boards, that if they got back together with their exes, they'd be the best boyfriends or girlfriends in the world...for about a month or two, tops. then they'd go back to their old ways. i think your ex might think this about you, hence the reason he's staying away. he doesn't believe you can REALLY change for good. and apologies will get you nowhere at this point because he's already tired of hearing them. he doesn't believe that an apology from you means, "i will never do it again." you can't blame him, because the same behaviors have kept popping up from you.

 

so the question is--CAN you change for good? not just to win back your ex, but because you want to? do you want to become a better person and be a better communicator in fights? do you want to resist petty verbal jabs and try to be gracious instead? i think changing for good would be a way better triumph than getting back your ex. it would say a lot about you. and like i said before, you can know deep down, "well he thought i wouldn't change, and i did, and now i'm an even better person. i'd be an excellent girlfriend. too bad he doesn't have me."

 

at this point, change is all you've got. that's the first thing you can do that could even remotely bring back your ex for good. i seriously doubt that will be the last time you and your ex ever speak. you'll probably run into each other somewhere, maybe (MAYBE) he'll even call sometime. (i want to resist getting your hopes up because hope is a killer after a breakup.) all you can do is hope for the best, whether that's a life with or without your ex, and try to change--like you said, work on yourself so you'll be in a better condition to see him. and maybe your ex will see it, too.