Moving Past Anger

[shawn]

Hopefully I can get some good advice on how to move on and heal.

 

It's been 8 months since the breakup and I am left feeling resentment and bitter towards my ex. I know that this is not healthy for me but it's where I am at. I can't seem to shake it.

 

I feel as though if I let go of this then somehow it's just ok for what she has done. She has put me through hell.

 

I don't like what I am seeing in myself. I want to find indifference but can't.

 

Help!

[danman4968]

Try looking at your breakup from her point of view. That always helps me out.

[joyce1412]

it would be nice to know more about your situation, but as someone who was recently at the hands of a "mean dumper" i can probably relate.

 

like dan said, try to look at it from her point of view. i doubt you'll find many of her actions justifiable, but if you can just TRY to understand how difficult and awkward it is to break up with someone...maybe you'll feel less angry.

 

as it was explained to me by others, if your ex was mean, it was probably because she was working overtime trying to convince herself not to love you so she could break up with you. she had to make you the bad guy in order to feel okay about the breakup. maybe understanding that will help. i don't know.

 

you aren't saying her actions are okay by letting go. on the contrary, you are moving on with your life because you know it's a waste of time and energy to keep caring about someone as lousy as she is. because that's what you're doing by being angry: caring about her.

 

know that what she did will NEVER be okay. my guess is she'll probably look at her behavior several months or years down the road and cringe at how horrible she was. god knows i've been through that with every person i've seriously hurt. but whatever she did, i doubt it was cool by anyone's definition, so just know that and let it go.

 

btw, i can also relate with you today because just about twenty minutes ago i was fixating on something lame my ex did. but i, too, am trying to let it go.

[friscodj]

You see, I believe people stereotype all types of anger as being "bad". Anger is a part of life and actually, anger is a normal and healthy part of the grieving process. This is a long-established fact of science and I believe it is necessary to heal too...sort of like getting drunk and puking all over the place...

 

You can't help the feelings you have and feeling like you shouldn't have them, trying to fight them, or bottling them up is only going to prolong the suffering and make the situation worse...

 

It's OK to be angry bro...get it out of your system...

[danman4968]

if your ex was mean, it was probably because she was working overtime trying to convince herself not to love you so she could break up with you. she had to make you the bad guy in order to feel okay about the breakup.

 

That made me feel good. Thanks.

[Orlander]

Towards the very end of my involvement with my ex she cried and asked me how I could be so nice to her and still want her after she did what she did. I didnt understand what she meant, but boy do I understand now.

 

It's better, far better, not to try to understand her actions or motives. It's important only to accept what happened. The fact is, you will never know and the more you try to "figure her out" the less you will move past the pain.

 

The anger IS necessary for most of us. As friscodj said, it is not bad, but only a step in the direction towards being healed. The trick is not to linger long in anger cause as Yoda said " Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering." Such a wise, wise little old green guy he was.

 

 

Orlander

[joyce1412]

It's better, far better, not to try to understand her actions or motives. It's important only to accept what happened. The fact is, you will never know and the more you try to "figure her out" the less you will move past the pain.

 

true. the psychoanalyzing has to stop at some point.

[Donster]

I'm findnig myself entering a very bitter, angry phase. My therapist had been warning me that it was going to come up...it's all part of the grieving process. Just let it happen, acknowledge the feelings, let them wash over you, and then file them away. and try not to do anything or say anything that you will regret later, or which will make you lose respect for yourself.

 

hang in there!