URGENT! Need advice about bf's lack of attention

[SummerLove]

These last couple weeks, my bf has been acting as if he's PMSing. I SWEAR! He never wants to talk to me, and when I do get a hold of him he gets all annoyed and says I'm b***ing at him too much. I admit that lately I have been asking him lots of questions (like why haven't u called?, or what are you up to that makes you so busy?) but its just to get some conversation going (and I have called him stupid and an a** once or twice). We end up just yelling at each other. I try to tell him that I just wanna talk.. just for the sake of talking. He gets all bent out of shape and says I annoy him.

 

But what I don't get is that the other day I was at his house and I thought we had a really good time... and yesterday he called me 3 times to ask for a ride somewhere.... Today I just asked him why he has no problem calling me when he needs something but its a huge ordeal to call just to talk. He had no answer for that... except "I"m going bye." My best friend says I should just not call for a few days to give him space. But I'm so concerned about this. Can any of you tell me what is going on? Why is he acting like this? Is this just a phase? What should I do?

[shelly7]

Sounds like he's being selfish. Is something else going on in his life that might be bothering him?

 

For example an ex of mine completely shut down when he lost his job and we had some similar arguments. However once we were both aware that his job issues were affecting his mood, I tried to be more understanding, and I did give him some space.

[SummerLove]

the thing is he won't open up to anything that may be bothering him. I ask, but he won't say much... in fact nothing at all.

[shelly7]

Some men (well people in general for that matter) have a hard time expressing their feelings. I understand your pain and frustration, you can try giving him space. But inevitably, you sound like you need a relationship where your partner is willing to communicate.

 

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but maybe you can try to make clear you unhappines about his lack of communication and see if he makes any effort.

 

Set a time limit for yourself without telling him to see if he improves and then reevaluate your situation, and ask yourself the question is this someone that can ultimately give me what I need in a relationship. I know it's hard and you probably love him, but eventually your needs have to be met as well. Good luck to you.

[Pippa]

Hi Summerlove, your bf sounds like me! I m your typical bloke who doesn`t really use the telephone to `talk`, like girls do.

 

You see men use the telephone, as a tool to get things done. Women on the other hand use the telephone as a social tool. Thats why you bf only uses the phone to `get things done`, thats why he is only calling you when he needs something.

 

If you want to talk to him then talk to him face to face, and not on the phone. On the phone, the other person has the option to hang up.

 

Men clam up when it comes to talking. A good example here is shelly7`s ex,

 

For example an ex of mine completely shut down when he lost his job

Just because your bf is not calling, doesn`t mean its a lack of attention. It could be that he is embarrassed to show his emotions over the telephone. Is there any other evidence to show he is showing you less attention?

 

Like what your friends say. You could stop calling for exactly 1 week to see if that prompts a response. If he doesn`t call you within that period, it probably means he`s not in love with you as much as think he is. Some may consider this as game playing, but if they love you, they will come looking for you to see how you are.

 

I had one ex that wasn`t a good communicator, and if she wasnt happy with anything she would disappear for a few days, only to resurface with a text saying she was`pissed off`, with something or another.

 

One weekend she dropped off the face of the Earth, and I let her be for 2 days for her to simmer down. I text her to see if she was okay, and I got a half hearted response, saying she was at a pub playing pool. No mention of how I was, or what I was doing, and not even a `x` (kiss) at the end of her text. So what I did was I let her be for exactly 1 week, and didnt contact her.

 

During that time she didn`t contact me for a week! One week led on to a second week, and I text her back to say that I had passed my exams. (She did give me encouragement to help me pass my exams, so I thought it would be polite to let her know how well I d done) I knew after those 2 weeks of me being on my own that she wasn`t the one for me. If she was, she`d come looking for me to see if I hadn`t had an accident, or something. In the end she never bothered to care, so I ended it.

[friscodj]

Hey SL-

 

This is my guess, because I feel I have done what you describe he has done before...

 

I think he is questioning things between you guys. It seems like he is PMSing because he is flip-flopping within himself and his emotions...stay together or break up... He might be fighting feelings he doesn't want to have, he might be trying to detach, figuring out how to detach, or trying to convince himself to stay or go one way or the other. He might be weighing options, what he would be losing if he left, and this weighing is showing up in his behavior. You've heard the expression "actions speak louder than words" and that is what sounds to be happening here...

 

Either that, or he has something pretty serious going on outside of the relationship...

 

What can you do? Well, what can you do? I wouldn't force him to talk that's for sure and definitely lay-off the line of questioning like you described. I would express my feelings to him and just say you would be happy to talk when he's ready to do so. Then leave it and maybe every couple of days send him a light email, text, or something just to see what kind of response you get...

 

At this point, I would start preparing for some type of prolonged separation/break-up. Start detatching from the situation because it sounds you may be too wrapped up in it. And if things go better than expected, it will be that much sweeter...

[TheRedQueen]

Great advice Mr.DJ, I concur whole heartedly.

[natalie121687]

My boyfriend gets like that a lot of the time too. Just give him some space and let HIM come to YOU. If you usually are the one to call him, don't this time. Wait until he calls you. And if he is the one to usually say goodbye on the phone instead of you, switch things around and you be the one to say goodbye first. Make sure he knows you are keeping busy WITHOUT him so he will think you are slipping away and want you even more and will try even harder to communicate with you because of the fact he will be thinking you are leaning away from him. Once you get him in that position, take things slower, still make him believe you are too busy to talk to him at times, and don't nag him about little things, act as if you could care less. Hope this advice helps, I've been doing it and it's been working for me and my boyfriend.