unhappy marriage from day 1.

[medha]

I have been married for a year now and things have been bad from the very start. Even before we got married his family behaved very weird, and he also wasnt very trustworthy. He admitted to some of his own mistakes, which was the good part of him. I was feeling up and down regarding being appreciated and loved and emotionally close, but thought that things would improve once we get married. But we did have some good times and kind of connected at some levels. Well, some things did improve but new things made their way after marriage. He has been getting verbally abusive when we fight. He has stopped doing it after I have confronted him many times. But he is very emotionally shut. And whatever small things matter to me, he thinks they are not important. He is a very active person and sitting and talking to me leisurely is a waste of time for him. He can not talk anything at emotional level and I find myself very empty. He is very harsh with his words at times, and I feel disrespected. It seems to me that he is not willing to work as much for the marriage as I am. He wants a peaceful life without any fights. He says he loves me and sometimes he does good things, but I feel the need to talk and communicate and being intimate are not fullfilled. I feel as if I dont even know him properly. At one point or the other he has said bad things about my career, my family, my body, my personality and what not, without any sign of feeling any remorse. He says he doesnt mean all those things but fails to tell me why he said all that. We have lots of such unresolved issues. I feel no strength in this relationship. In fact whatever self esteem I had, seems to be broken by him. He makes me feel low and weak. I feel that I have been driving this relationship and that is only how it has been surviving. The only way I find peace is when I keep myself distant from him so that I do not provoke him and then get hurt.

To make matters more complicated, I was in a relationship before with a guy who gave me everything to make me feel good and happy. I knew him for a long time and we really complimented each other. The only thing he was a muslim and I am a Hindu, and he wanted me to convert in order to marry. I couldnt get myself to do that. And so here I am in this unloved relationship. He wants me back if I am ready to convert. I have been thinking that that guy really makes me happy and I do the same for him. we understand each other and have been with each other in very hard times of our lives. Should I go for this relationship after a waiting period if I separate from hy husband. I am an educated independent person and have sacrificed my career for the time being to get together with my husband. But he doesnt seem to appreciate any of it. I am wanting to get back to building my career, and stay away from my husband (we live like roommates) and then may be start building a relationship again with the previous guy. Your help and suggestions would be very much appreciated and welcome.

[avman]

The key phrase for me here is:

I was feeling up and down regarding being appreciated and loved and emotionally close, but thought that things would improve once we get married

 

You thought your guy would change once you married. It doesn't work that way. You have to either accept someone for who they are, or look elsewhere. They will only change if they want to.

 

You are also longing for what you had before and I can understand that. However that person wanted you to change into something you are not. And I'm afraid thats no better. You left that relationship for a good reason.

 

I think you need some time outside these relationships to love yourself. Go back to that career and that will build you up. Your husband has been tearing you down and you need to heal from that. Once you have built yourself back up again then you can start pursuing a relationship again with someone who loves you for who you are - and that you love them the same way (and not for what you think you can turn them into).

 

Good luck to you. And I wish you peace.

[NewlywedinMD]

Little venting here, but think it will help too. Did you talk to him about it? It seems women think things will change on their own (my wife for one). If she would tell me what was up, I would figure out if I wanted to change my ways, or stay happy with the way I am.

 

 

Best of luck...

[medha]

I have told him specifically so many times as to what I want. But it seems that we can not even talk for long. He talks mostly in monologues and makes promises which I know are only promises. He calls me queen of emotions and doesnt understand my need to communicate or being respected. I find life very dull with him. I just dont feel like the person I am with him. he doesnt make any conscious efforts to please me. If I tell him I cant go on like this, he says whatever makes me happy is fine with him. But he wont budge and do anything about it.

[DGirl]

I am in the same boat as you. I have been married for almost a year, i expected things would change after marriage and they haven't! So now what? I think most people are right when they say you take some one for what they are and we cant expect them to change! But i made the same mistake as you! Everyone keeps telling me counseling and i have my first session tomorrow! I am very nervous about it but hopefully it will help......whatever way it may take me! Maybe you should try it, but whatever you decide it is your life and you do what makes you happy! Good luck to you!

[NewlywedinMD]

Sometimes it is hard for us (men) to understand what you mean. Being selfish here, I am so able and willing to do what my wife says is missing, because I wanted to but didn't know she wanted it too. As dumb as that sounds it is the truth. Have you two (and DGirl) talked specficially of what you want so he understood?

[medha]

I am in the same boat as you. I have been married for almost a year, i expected things would change after marriage and they haven't! So now what? I think most people are right when they say you take some one for what they are and we cant expect them to change! But i made the same mistake as you! Everyone keeps telling me counseling and i have my first session tomorrow! I am very nervous about it but hopefully it will help......whatever way it may take me! Maybe you should try it, but whatever you decide it is your life and you do what makes you happy! Good luck to you!

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I hope you had a useful session at counseling. Please do let me know if there is anything I should be learning about it.Good luck to you too.

[medha]

Sometimes it is hard for us (men) to understand what you mean. Being selfish here, I am so able and willing to do what my wife says is missing, because I wanted to but didn't know she wanted it too. As dumb as that sounds it is the truth. Have you two (and DGirl) talked specficially of what you want so he understood?

 

I read your post about your problem and it seems to me that you are a very devoted partner, which is extremely good thing. I think this is the first step towards resolving things- to be willing to resolve and work them out. I have told him specifically so many times. Sometimes he thinks they are too difficult things or just that they are not that important. for me they are extremely important and not at all difficult. My problem with him is communication and understanding. I just want him to be more careful of my feelings and be more compassionate.

[NewlywedinMD]

I am trying my best, and not sure it is working. I am opening up and spilling my guts. Dont get much of a reaction. She will say I am listening. Once in a while she will get teary eyed, but don't say anything.

 

How do I know when to stop trying? I am scared to ask her if things have improved... but know eventually I need to

[DGirl]

YES I DID EXPLAIN TO HIM....IN PLAIN ENGLISH......EXACTLY WHAT I WAS UNHAPPY WITH AND WHAT I NEEDED & THINGS CHANGE FOR A GOOD WEEK OR TWO AND THEN BACK TO THE SAME OLD STUFF! IT HAS TO BE A PERMANENT CHANGE NOT JUST A WEEK OR SO. I JUST EXPECT THINGS TO FAIL AT THIS POINT CAUSE I'VE BEEN LET DOWN SO MUCH. AND AS FOR COUNSELING, ITS REALLY REALLY NICE TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT YOU PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE AND NOT HAVE THEM TAKE SIDES. ITS LIKE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, NOT A FRIEND THAT SAYS LEAVE HIM AND NOT FAMILY SAYING WORK IT OUT! I SUGGEST IT 100%, IF YOU DONT LIKE IT NO ONE FORCES YOU TO GO BACK. I FEEL THAT NO MATTER WHICH WAY IT TAKES ME AT LEAST I KNOW I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE IT WORK!