how to have NC with contact?

[qwertie]

I've split with my guy of 7 years and i'm in two minds at the moment.

As he says I put the brake on the relationship, but he jumped out of the car.

During the split of the last two weeks, he realised that his feelings for me had changed in the last two years and he doesnt know what they are, but they are very negative. He needs time to see if that will change, but he is making no promises. He also managed to get himself heartbroken by one of his employees within those two weeks.

 

I'd love to move into the NC stage, but right now that is impossible.

1) cause I'm hoping in some way that he is able to overcome his

negative feelings and we can get back together (I'm not sure why I want

this though, but I do miss his companionship)

2) we shared a house and life and have lots of things to sort out so contact

is necessary.

 

He texted me and said that he was happy we didnt split as enemies but as friends and he wants to help me through the breakup. He prides himself on this kind of thing, but I need time to heal. I see that NC is indeed the best way...cause I keep finding out the things that he is doing and it gets me depressed and lonely.

 

How do you have enough NC to recover from the break while you need to have contact?

[Lealing]

Hello Qwertie,

 

Everybody on the board suggests NC but I have kept LC with the ex in the past couple of months. I think that I would be really depressed if I had NC with my ex. I usually only email him when he emails me first. We broke up about 8 months ago after having been together for 8 years. At first I was emailing him 4 or 5 times a week but then about 2 months ago he said that we should keep a distance so I now only have contact with him about once a week. I know that I should do NC to heal but I can't. I guess deciding on doing NC or LC is your choice at the end of the day but I do feel happier when I have some contact with the ex as opposed to NC.

[NJRon]

Yeah, in your situation, Light Contact is the viable way. Not *everybody* suggests NC. However, NC is used when you are trying to heal and move on. It is the fastest and best way to heal and move on after a relationship. LC is very difficult. It tends to cause a lot of set backs. It also requires a great amount of maturity and control to conduct effectively.

 

However, LC is necessary when there are issues in which the two must communicate (e.g. children, assets, work, etc.) It is also used to give space, yet allow for contact. In LC you do not contact, you just allow *them* to contact you. You also do not make yourself 100% available to the other person. You live your life.

[qwertie]

thanks viper I'll check through the thread ....

 

lealing...

 

I've been exchanging emails with during the course of the day. he texted me this morning to find out how I was doing, he really thinks i'm falling apart. Told him I was ok, and changed the subject to the laptop. I didnt reply to his last sms so he sent me an email

 

during the emailing I found out that the girl he had a crush on at work broke up again with her boyfriend today. I told him that they should take it easy with each other.. I hope it came accross as nonchalant as I hope I typed it

 

I dont need to know these things, makes me angry and depressed all over again

 

I've never in all my 35 years been in a postion as this.. it threw me, but I will survive, if we make it or not.

 

Another thing is I'm not sure if we will make it cause I have difficulty forgiving/forgetting the things he did in the past. Dont know how to get past that.

 

8 months is a long time. Does balancing the hope that it may work out and moving on at the same time get better with time? Right now I'm feeling to run as far away as possible.

[GH2001]

Is LC what I should use with a co-worker that I don't have to work with but walks by my cube several times a day and says "Hi"

[NJRon]

Qwertie,

 

Unrequited love is very painful. Hope, holds the door to your heart open. If the love is not returned, it will cause more pain and damage over time.

 

You can not, by definition, hold onto hope of reconciliation *and* move on at the same time. You *can* hope that things will work out for the best for each of you individually... though, that does not mean that they will work out for you two *together*.

 

At some point, if you don't reconcile, you will need to shut that door. Until then, every contact is a wound. Shutting the door opens yourself to new love. In very rare occasions, that love comes from someone who has loved you in the past. However, I prefer to look at the lessons I have learned and to let go with love so that I can move on.

 

GH,

 

That *is* LC. You can't help but be in LC if someone is interacting with you, even if you aren't returning it. You are able to choose to respond or not. Don't respond until you don't care about the outcome. If it becomes too hard, tell the co-worker to stop.

[Lealing]

Each situation is different. My ex broke up with me mainly because of my illness. I suffered from a psychotic episode which lasted about 2 months at the end of last year/beginning of this year. The psychotic episode was brought on by stress which I caused myself by flirting with a stranger on the internet. I never met the guy off the internet but I ended up confessing to my ex because of the guilt I had. It was stupid of me. My ex broke off the relationship because he couldn't live with my illness and also because he felt betrayed. I live in the UK and my ex lives in France. I used to live with him in France until he brought me back to the UK to my parents at the height of my illness. When we first broke up I had high hopes that he would change his mind. I apologised to him for the internet episode. I think that it was more my illness that urged him to break up with me. I almost caused him to have a nervous breakdown with my illness.

 

I know that he still loves me because he told me so a couple of months back. I think it's going to take time for him to forget about the internet epsiode. But there's nothing I can do about my illness. I'm fine now and continue to take my medication to prevent a return of another pyschotic episode but I can't convince him and I can't promise him that my illness would never return. I still have hope because the love is there.

 

However, after 8 months that hope of a reconciliation is diminishing but I would still like to stay in contact with him as it makes me happy. He was a big part of my life. We lived together for 8 years. I don't know how I would feel if he did meet someone else. I suppose I would be really upset.

 

Still I try to move on with my life by meeting friends and I have just enquired about doing voluntary work at the weekends to keep myself busy. I think that if we were ever to get back together again it would be because both of us are independent and strong enough to move on with the future.

 

I'm not sure what to advise you. As your ex is already looking for someone else, maybe it would be better for you to go NC with him as you don't want to hear all the details about what he is getting up to with the new girl. I think that you will be hurt further when he starts to discuss about his new girl. However, for me I don't think that I can do NC as I would be really depressed about it. Best thing is to keep busy and make sure that you meet regularly with your friends so and have a good chat with them whenever you are feeling down.

 

Take care and stay strong

[joyce1412]

At some point, if you don't reconcile, you will need to shut that door. Until then, every contact is a wound. Shutting the door opens yourself to new love. In very rare occasions, that love comes from someone who has loved you in the past. However, I prefer to look at the lessons I have learned and to let go with love so that I can move on.

 

and as other members have pointed out, you moving on is not going to decrease your chances with the ex whatsoever. it's either going to happen or it won't. so you can either choose to hang onto the ex, leaving your happiness in someone else's hands, or you can move on and find healthy happiness. the outcome will be the same, so do what's going to be best for YOU in the meantime.

[qwertie]

thanks everyone for the wise words... i have to work on me now..

 

lealing, we have a lot more in common than you think, the internet also played a major part for in the downfall of our relationship...

 

I realize there is no "maybe" for us anymore. to be more precies i know that there is no future for us. this is the end.

 

What I have to do now is take the time to figure out why i still have the urge to try to work it out in spite of my feelings over the last couple of years that I wanted out...

[SarahRose]

He thinks you're falling apart! What an ego he has!

 

One way to do LC is to only discuss the business matters. Ignore any attempts of him to inquire about your personal life. If he volunteers info about him and the new girl, tell him you don't really care and you don't want to hear about it.