I just broke up with my bf and now I'm scared

[Applegirl]

Just as the title says.

 

I've just broken up with my bf of 4 years yesterday, over the fact that I am confused about my life, what direction I'm going in and I didn't want to take him on the rollercoaster of sorting my life out. I have been too dependant on him emotionally, finacially and mentally and I believe it was time for me to do things on my own. He knew that it was coming and said he supported me in what ever decision I make. Is it selfish of me to end our relationship due to my own problems?

 

The reason of being scared is that I still love him regardless, he is my first serious love and I want him to be happy. I cannot help but worry about him when I'm not with him. It's the caretaker in me.

 

Is it normal to not worry about myself and have more concern about my (now ex) boyfriend with whom I just broke up with? I'm not going to call him up every week to make sure he's okay but I'm also scared that down the track, I might start thinking that I've made the wrong decision of leaving a great guy and that I'll never meet someone who is so compatable with me.

 

Scared, confused and sad,

 

Applegirl (Please mind the spelling mistakes)

[hjc]

Unfortunately no-one knows what is going to happen. You've taken your decision and that's your prerogative.

 

Breakups are generally horrible (unless the relationship meant nothing) so you are bound to feel a mixture of confusion, sadness, uncertainty and fear...but presumably you broke up for a reason so you may also feel relief that you've done it.

 

Having been dumped twice after long term relationships (the most recent 2 weeks ago) I can tell you that the dumpee is going to be going through hell. However, the worst thing you can do is give them false hope by continually checkign up on them.

 

I understand your fear of having made a huge mistake. Only time will tell whether that is the case. You may find that by the time you realise it, he's gone. Equally he may not want to give you a second chance if you do. But equally he might do. You might discover that it wasn't a mistake and that you've taken a good decision. But no-one, even you, can know that right now. Time is the only thing which will give you clarity. Bottom line is that you have made your decision and the best thing you can do is to try it out and see what happens. So even if it is tough, I would give it a little time and see how things turn out. If you do decide to go back, it will be much better if you've had some space to really see what you're missing (or not!).

 

Try to behave with decency to your ex. That doesn't mean being there for them (which can make things worse), it means respecting them and understanding if they react in a strange way. If you meet someone new, then avoid rubbing their face in it. Equally let them have some space to start afresh themselves.

 

Dumpers can often "check in" on the dumpee to make sure they are ok and will sometimes say things like "I love you", "I miss you" etc. as a way of checking that they still have the dumpee in their grasp. It gives the dumpee false hope and traps them into expecting a 2nd chance...so see if you can avoid giving false hope.

 

All in all, you've taken a tough decision and there are consequences. Just try to live each moment and in time clarity will come. I know as a dumpee that life can be awful and one assumes the dumper is doing fine. Breakups are horrible for all involved...but then if they weren't one would have to question the quality of the relationship.

 

Good luck and keep posting here if you need to....

[Applegirl]

Thank you for your reply.

 

It means alot to me that you responded and I can see that it will take time of course. I'm moving out of our shared place on saturday and he has the support network of friends with which he is with now.

 

He's very mature about the whole thing and is being more adult than I am so I know he'll be okay.

 

Thank you again.

[hjc]

I think I'm probably in the position he's in right now - been dumped 'cos my ex needs space to figure out what she wants. I've tried to be as supportive as I can.

 

Key thing you need to do is to work out what you want and then if you want to get back with him be absolutely clear. If you've behaved half decently then you've got more chance of getting him back. And if you don't then that's fine, just move on.

 

Don't count on him as a friend..not for now anyhow.

 

In the short term everyone suffers...sorry but that's the way it is.