Torn

[ontheverge]

Hello all,

 

This is my first time posting, I had checked out this site before, and it seems really cool. So here is the deal. 04/2002 I began dating my best friend and we had a pretty good relationship. Then about 6/2005 things began to fall apart. Needless to say she is dating someone new, which is fine, I wish her the best.

 

There was a woman that I met while dating her that I found extremely attractive, and I was highly attracted to her. Now I am single and I have discovered she is too. I saw her this past weekend, and I was so nervous my hands were shaking. (This never happens). Anyhow, here is the fly in the pudding. My first lesbian relationship darn near tore my entire family apart and nearly destroyed the relationship that I have with my mom. She is very anti homosexual. She was thrilled I was no longer dating my ex. So that is a serious concern for me, plus I am not as ""out" as this girl, and I may never be and that was a serious problem in my last relationship.

 

I am so confused. I ran into this woman this weekend for the first time in over a year and my hands shook so bad I had to hold onto my juice bottle for fear she would notice. This woman has always made me feel this way, ever since the first day I met her, 3 years ago. I was just like WOW who is that. It was bad esp considering I was dancing with my gf.

 

I just dont know what to do, forgo attraction and someone great for safety and family relationships? I dont know if I can sacrifice it again.

 

Any thoughts you have would be great.

 

OTV

[BrokenWingedFaery]

In my case, being with the grrrl I love will cost me my family. However, seeing as my family hasn't ever been there for me, I don't regret it one bit. Only you know what's best for you, good luck.

[ontheverge]

In terms of my family my dad died 4 years ago and so its just mom and me and an estranged brother, a few aunts and some cousins. All told at family reunions there are 20 of us and that is if the cousins from Utah come in. On dad's side there is only like 2 of them. So, I have a very small family and I cant afford to lose any more of them.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I have a small family too, coincidentally, my father died four years ago this September, my mother and brother and four cousins are about my entire family, not counting my great aunt and uncle who haven't been heard from in years.

 

Is there any person in your family who you could come out to and have them advocate for you?

[Jane0815]

Would your mom go to a counselor with you? If she has problems with your sexuality, SHE has problems.

 

The "outness" issue is tough. For some people it's political and part of their path and they see no reason to conform to societal expectations or "hide" anything. Sort of like hets kissing in public: this is not something I'm into at all, and my X and I were very much on the same page. I met someone who thought I was =completely= uptight and "had issues".

 

As I write this I'm trying to google a childhood friend. Gay rights are a part of her life. I'm not sure that she would understand that, for some people it's a personal thing, any more than that one guy would ever understand that not everyone has to want to kiss on the street.

 

I guess the key is whether she understands and accepts your views and needs ... and I bet there are ways of finding out whether she has that capacity, before you get involved.

[ontheverge]

broken ~ yes i would have one cousin, but it wouldnt matter as the rest of the family would ostracize me. It would kill my mother, and as she already has heart problems, it might not be a good idea, lol. I am sorry to hear about your dad, mine passed in March.

 

jane ~ no she would not do that, she would only pray that I would stop it and just find a boyfriend already.

 

I dont want to hurt my family, but I know that this woman wont be around for forever either, and I have NEVER in my LIFE felt attraction as strong as this.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

*hugs* Can you and this lady go out, but in a discreet way?

[ontheverge]

OMG that would be a dream come true!! I just would hope I wouldnt make an idiot out of myself on the date. e.g. fumbling silverware and getting tongue tied or staring into her eyes. ( i know i have it bad)

 

I cant see her doing it though, b/c we really arent the types that would have a fling and it would be way to hard to make this long term. My being so closeted wouldnt be fair to her. I learned that from my last relationship.

 

If anything, I would love to just hang out with her, but I am a bit afraid to see what would happen.

 

Plus eventually she will be leaving for 18 mos for school and LDRs arent fun, I did that once and I dont know that I would want to do that again.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Hmmm...for the time being, it would seem to me that you'd do better to simply be friends with her, and maintain your relationship with your family.

[ontheverge]

you are probably right, its just hard......

like i said i have never met anyone who makes me feel all jumpy and nervous and shaky and like I am going to vomit, and yet still be so attracted. It is so weird, lol

 

Thanks for talking me through this

[BrokenWingedFaery]

*hugs* I know it's hard hun, but things may very well play out in your favor. Perhaps when she comes back from school, your family will be more accepting (miracles do happen, you know) and you'll be able to have something with her.

[Tigris]

Get to know her better and then tell her that you're not fully 'out' yet and let her decide if she wants you or not. You can't make decisions for her.

 

Don't wait too long or you'll miss the chance.

 

Good luck