Need ex-boyfriend's help with move

[violingirl]

My ex and I broke up over a year and a half ago, but have been talking (on the phone only) for the past 3 1/2 months. We've spent a lot of time talking about our relationship and other, more general, stuff. Overall, we've had some really good conversations and he's agreed to read "He's Scared, She's Scared", which I recommended to him after we discussed the possibility that he's a commitmentphobe. He's still "with" the woman he left me for, but they are not girlfriend/boyfriend. It's a very weird "relationship" - they haven't had sex, she sometimes allows him to kiss her on the cheek, they only see each other once a week or once every other week. I have no idea what he sees in her, because she doesn't want children (she's almost 47) and I doubt that she wants to get married - but I think that she's more of a commitmentphobe than he is and she is emotionally unavailable, so that may be the draw.

 

In any case, I am moving in 3 weeks and over the past month I have asked my ex to help me with my move - I am hiring a moving company, but I need help with transporting personal stuff and my cat to the new place that day (and also would like a man to be around to supervise the movers) and he is the only person I know who has a car. He's been "thinking about it" for a month, but I still don't have an answer from him yet.

 

But what is there to think about? True, we haven't seen each other in a long time, but what's the big deal? When we were together, he never hesitated to help his ex-girlfriends with things, so why the hesitation now with me? I've already asked him this, but haven't gotten a straight answer from him, only that he needs to think about why he is hesitant. Needless to say, at this point I'm frustrated, because it's not like I'm asking him for much, just a little bit of his time.

 

Why do you think he is being so hesitant about this? ](*,)

[Batya33]

I think he is being hesitant for a very good reason. Your request is transparent. He is not the only one you know who owns a car. You could hire someone who owns a car, ask friends to recommend a friend of theirs who would help for a small fee (or even barter - offer to trade your services or help for use of their car), etc. If you can afford a moving company, you can afford the bit extra to hire a car service or someone with a car.

 

Your ex is reasonably intelligent. He knows that part of the reason you are asking him is to get to spend time with him and/or to test him to see if he'll say yes and how he'll respond. He probably doesn't like being manipulated in that way. If I were dating someone and his ex asked for that favor I would be mighty suspicious of your motives and not at all pleased with it. Perhaps you can offer him a gift certificate for dinner or a show for two so that if he helps you move he can take out the woman he is dating to a nice place. If that doesn't sit right with you then why do you expect your request to sit right with him?

 

Who cares why he is seeing this other woman and what they have done and not done physically whether or not he is being honest. Would you like it if he talked about what he did/didn't do with you with other women? It's tacky and in my opinion you should stop asking him for details of his dealings with other women. If you do get back together, you will be haunted by it. Being open and honest does not mean sharing things that are better left private and unknown and to me, his relations with other women are such a topic other than knowing whether you need to get tested, and you only need to know that if you get back together, right?

 

Forget about how many exes he helped to move - that was then, those were other people and other circumstances. Show him you can stand on your own two feet. That's far more interesting and a "turn on" than the damsel in distress ploy.

[violingirl]

I am not playing the "damsel in distress" (that would be his current woman's territory) nor is it a "ploy" and I take offense to those remarks. I have stood on my own 2 feet my entire life, but I do need help with things sometimes. Nor have I asked my ex for anything at all since we broke up. In addition, my ex is the one who volunteered that information regarding his current "relationship" - I did not ask because I did not want to know. Plus, I live in NYC, so most people who live there do not own a car. If you call that "manipulative" then I don't know a single soul who isn't manipulative.

 

I don't think that it's much to ask someone for help moving. People do it all the time. If I hire a car service, it will cost me several hundred dollars more to move. I'd also like to have a man around, so the movers don't try to screw me over.

 

Yes, I admit that I want to see him, but it's not like I'm going to seduce him or anything. I have no control over who he wants to be with. Rather, I'll be exhausted and probably look horrible after spending all night packing anyway.

[Scout]

I don't think that it's much to ask someone for help moving. People do it all the time.

 

No, it's not a monumental favor to ask, so there are obviously some other misgivings your ex is feeling about this, if he can't just agree to do it right away, instead of hemming and hawing for a month.

 

I agree with the previous poster, your ex probably feels you still want him, and that's the primary reason you have asked him for help with a move. I'm not saying that really is your reason, I'm just saying that's what HE probably perceives as the reason, whether you tell him differently or not. He likely feels very uncomfortable about that, since he doesn't appear to feel the same way and is involved with someone else.

 

Look, I know this is hard to hear, but you said yourself you always stand on your own two feet. This is one of those times I highly suggest doing so, rather than asking for help from a man who left you for another woman.

 

Please, don't ask for help from someone who doesn't really want to give it to you. You deserve better than that. One day, someone will come into your life who will delight in helping you. I'm sorry, but this guy isn't that person.

[RayKay]

If no one else you know has a car, I would suggest you rent a car which really will only cost you $50 or something, and just get another male friend come along if you are concerned about being alone with the movers.

 

Sure, asking him to help you move may have been innocent enough - however it is about his perceptions. I think either he is resistant as he questions your motives, is not interested, or feels it would be disloyal to his present girlfriend (yes, when with you he may have helped out ex's...but this is a new relationship and the dynamics may be different).

 

I believe you asking him may be innocent, but I also am not sure that sub-consciously there may not be more, as you are still seeming to question or analyze his current relationship, telling him to read self help books, etc which shows that while you may understand he broke it off, you don't quite accept it yet.

[Scout]

I believe you asking him may be innocent, but I also am not sure that sub-consciously there may be more, as you are still seeming to question or analyze his current relationship, telling him to read self help books, etc which shows that while you may understand he broke it off, you don't quite accept it yet.

 

 

I agree, and please understand our opinions is not a judgement of you or how you're handling the break up. You cared about the guy a great deal, and of course accepting the break up is difficult. It's just that most of us have been in similar boats, so we're offering our feedback based on what we've learned. And one day, you could be giving very similar advice to another poster on eNotalone based on your experiences.

 

It's all a learning process, and we're all here to support each other through it.

[Hope75]

I agree with other posters that this might be something to ask another friend to help you with. You can rent a minivan for under 100$ in most areas and load it up with the rest of you things.

 

I'm not going to question if you have alterior motives to see your ex (although it seems as though because you are asking him to read this book and picking apart his present relationship), but I do think if he hasn't responded in all this time, he doesn't want to help you and doesn't know how to tell you.

 

Maybe this is the time to ask another friend for help, not your ex.

[violingirl]

The reason I can't rent a car/minivan myself is because I don't have a driver's license (never got one).

 

I'm not analyzing his current relationship with him. I don't mention it, unless he mentions it first and we talk about it in the context of our breakup. If I ever learn anything about it, it's because he says something about it.

 

Also, my ex was the one who wanted us to discuss our relationship in the first place, to clear things up between us so we can be friends. I'm glad that he did want to talk about it, but it wasn't originally my idea.

 

Why are you guys putting me through the ringer here? I never did anything bad to my ex or even to the woman he left me for (yes, I knew her and he encouraged us to be friends during our relationship). It was my ex who physically cheated on me with one of his ex-girlfriends (he claims that they only made out once) and then emotionally cheated and left me for another ex-girlfriend (the one he's "with" now). I always treated him with respect and loved him very much. Yes, I still have feelings for him (no, I'm not about to tell him) and care about him, but those positive feelings are mixed with feelings of abandonment and betrayal. He's lied to me a lot. So, I have mixed feelings about him.

 

I don't know why I have to defend myself so much here. I haven't done anything wrong.

 

Also, my ex just called to tell me that he got into a car accident last night. Some guy cut him off and his car got totaled. He's OK, but is going to the doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is OK. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my move, but he may be able to borrow his parents' car that day.

[violingirl]

Also, if he didn't want anything to do with me, why would he voluntarily talk to me for 5 hours, then 2 1/2 hours, then 4 hours, etc. on the phone to clear up stuff between us from our relationship? Why would he take my calls?

[Scout]

Do you feel because we don't think you should ask or expect him to help you, that we are criticizing you? Just curious. Because in your very first post, you specifically asked us in the last sentence for our opinions on why he was acting hesitant about helping you move.

 

We gave our opinions, and some additional advice/encouragement...which you seem to be perceiving as critical and attacking. Just because we question the wisdom of having this guy help you doesn't mean we're putting you through the ringer. You do see that, don't you?

[violingirl]

Everyone is criticizing my supposed "ulterior motives."

[Scout]

Well, I think we said we thought he might think those are your ulterior motives. You asked why he was being hesitant about all this, and we told you what we thought he might be thinking, based on the details you gave us in your post.

 

Please try to keep in mind that even if you don't like what you're hearing, people are taking time out of their day to answer your questions, and to spend time on your post that they could be spending on another post where the poster won't get so defensive when they read the feedback. And no one was rude to you, if anything, we're on your side and urging you to protect yourself and your feelings.

 

Obviously it's a sore point with you that you think we might be questioning some of your motives, too. How can I put this in a way that won't offend you...ok, I absolutely believe and agree you could use some help with your move here. No one can move to a new place completely by themselves. I absolutely acknowledge that is certainly a reason why you are asking your ex for help. But, at the same time, I too believe that you would like to see him, would like to see if he cares enough about you to help you in your time of need. That's not a right or wrong desire, it's simply a human one.

 

What does give me pause for thought is that you actually asked him for help, instead of just thought about it. I wonder if you're not in denial about the true circumstances of your situation with this guy. He left you for another woman. He has proven he is not a dependable, reliable person.

 

I, like the rest of the posters on your thread, don't want you to get hurt one more bit by this guy. It's too bad you don't see that, that you don't see WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE.

[Batya33]

I also live in NYC and do not have a driver's license. I also have moved and dealt with movers several times. I think the few hundred dollars - even if you have to take a loan out - is well worth it to prevent the appearance of seeming to your ex that you are being manipulative, even if you are not. Get a male friend who doesn't have a car to accompany you.

 

As far as him bringing up things about his new lady friend - why not tell him you don't want to know. If not, why haven't you told him that?