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Sorry its so long, but I need your help, I have to explain everything.


My ex and I broke up about 2 1/2 months ago. I did everthing to get her back, flowers, letters, told her I loved her, told her I'd change (which i did) , etc.


I saw her twice since the breakup, both times she said I looked really good and actually "hot" the second time. I lost about 22 pounds and started working out and started going to the tanning bed. We had a couple huge fights when we were dating and they became violent, I didn't hit her but I did push her off of me and she fell down, I'm not proud of that one bit and I'm actually ashamed of it. Both of these fights happeneded when we were both heavily intoxicated and each time she started hitting on me so I pushed her off of me. Her parents found out about the first fight so needless to say, I'm not their favorite person right now. After the breakup I wrote them and apology letter (I know I should have done it in person after the fight) and even wrote her best friend and apology letter.


There were a lot of trust issues as well, I met my ex two weeks after my previous ex of 4 1/2 years broke up. A few months into the relationship I called a break because I wasn't over my ex yet, the break was only a week or two and while she was upset, she never called me once, I eventually called her and she came running back to me. A few months later I called another break and the same thing happened, a week or two of no contact and when I called her she came running back to me. Well, she later found my yahoo personals profile and I told her it was old and i was on there during our first break, so she got over it. A month or so later she found my link removed profile. I told her I forgot I was getting billed for it (which was true) and cancelled it that night. The next day I got an email from someone on match without any pictures. I emailed back and it turned out to be my ex g/f (g/f at the time). So she caught me and I had no excuses, but we got over that too.


So the Thursday after our last huge fight, which was right before Memorial day weekend, she calls me and tells me about a guy that approached a friend and her at a bar and he said he grew up in my neighborhood and got in a fight with my brother in High School and kicked his * * *. I told her that I slightly remembered that but to my knowledge that is not what happened. So the next day on my way to work (Friday before memorial day) she calls a break (the first one she called).


So three to four weeks later she has pics of her and the same guy on Myspace. I checked my yearbook it was him, He's at least 33 or 34 and she's only 22. I'm 31 so I guess I don't have much room to talk. So anyway. I saw her Friday June 30th, I took some stuff up to her work and wrote her a 7 page letter, she told me I looked so good. I texted her about 2 hours later asking her what she thought, she wrote back, "you looked totally hot".


So our mutual friend who I've been confiding in told me that they talked that day and it was "all good stuff". So the following monday the mutual friend texts me again and says "up here having drinks with your ex, we have lots to talk about" So the mutual friend calls me and says the ex wants to call me everyday and hang out but she's scared of getting hurt again, and the new guy she is with is "up her * * *", not literally I hope! So I was on cloud 9 so I called the ex the next day at work, she pretty much ripped my head off over the phone and was very rude.


So on my way home from work I went nuts with the text messages and told her if she never loved me and doesn't now to text me back and I'll leave her alone forever, no reply. Then I texted saying I thought she was scared and she can't live her life through her family and friends and has to take a leap of faith. I'd already told her since the breakup that I'd been to counseling, and pretty much quit drinking (because all our fights is when we were both drinking), and was changing for the better for me and her if she were to ever give it another chance.


So then I make the mistake of looking at her myspace profile and it changed from "single" to "in a relationship" I freak out and call her and leave a long message on her v/m. She calls me back and starts ripping in to me and said she did that because weird people kept contacting her. She then tells me that she doesn't love me, (which part of me doesn't believe) eventually my doorbell rings and I tell her I have to get it, Its about 11:00 at night. She all of a sudden gets all jealous and asks who it is and hangs up on me. An hour later she texts me and says, "you've dragged this out to an unhealthy level, you need to leave me alone" So then, the next morning she emails me calling me a lier and you can tell she's pissed off about the whole doorbell thing.


So I write back this huge email explaining who was at the door, that it was a girl I met and went on one date with and nothing happened. The next time I talked to the girl I came clean and told her I wasn't over my ex yet and still loved her so we decided to be friends. I explained all this in my email to great detail. So then she emails me back saying I was full of crap. I even told her to call one of our mutual friends that actually went out with us and he knows the story.


What I don't understand is how she can get jealous when she is dating someone else and has done nothing but pushed me away since we've broken up. She said on the phone that she can't see me because she knows we'll jump right back into things and she doesn't want to get hurt again. She also told the mutual friend that she's afraid if she waits too long it may be too late. So the mutual friend tells me that she talked to the ex all about the "doorbell" incident and any chance is over and I almost had her. I explained everything to the mutual friend and she said she wasn't aware of all the facts and would think about it and get back to me. So Wednesday the ex calls my best friend and tells him that I need to leave her alone.


So now No CONTACT was forced upon me, a week and one day now. the longest I've gone since we've been broken up is 2 weeks with no contact. So I talk to the mutual friend on Sunday and she said that the guy and my ex split up because she wasn't 100% whole yet (i'm assuming from me). So I take that as a good sign, but still no call. I even emailed the mutual friend on Monday thanking her for talking to me about it, and emailed her again on Tuesday asking her honest opinion if she thinks i should give up hope and move on based on everything she knows, never heard from her.


The ex knows the ball is in her court, but she can be so strong and stuborn and proud, i'm afraid if she wants to call me she never will because she'll be embarrassed because she had to tell my friend to tell me to leave her alone. There is not doubt she loved me when we dated, and would have married me. I know I was an * * * and made a lot of mistakes and she knows that I would do anything for another chance, but she won't give me a chance or give me a chance to show her the changes I've made. Well, I was going to wait a month and possible send her an e-card that said "thinking of you" something simple. But now I'm not sure about that, her birthday is November 14th, and I want to send her an e-card for that at least. There is much more to the story but this is the condensed version, may write the whole version later if anyone could stand reading it. Any ideas on what to do? I don't want to give up hope, but I feel like I've been getting so many mixed signals and I can't help but think that maybe I started the No CONTACT too late.

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