I am the dumper (I guess?) and wonder about NC

[Anotherday]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this board and very grateful I found it, as I'd been feeling so alone.

 

Anyway, I wrote my ex a letter and told him if he ever decided he wanted to listen to me and care about my feelings, etc, to let me know and, if not, I wished him the best. I also included a poem I'd written that pretty much said he wasn't the one and that I couldn't trust him and had to move on.

 

Thing is...I was hoping he'd call me to at least discuss this. I really didn't mean to end things, "end things." Now I feel like I have to go with what I said and not have any contact with him. The ball is in his court.

 

Sure, he was a lousy BF. Sure, I think he wasn't honest with me all the time. But I still miss him and would like him in my life.

 

Does the no contact thing apply to me as it's used here in this forum? I realize that if I contact him it means I wasn't serious and not willing to back up my words. Then again, if my letter made me the dumper, isn't is up to me to contact him? I'm so confused.

 

Another thing, I am thinking about him all the time and I didn't think it would be like this. In fact, I was at a meeting early yesterday a.m. and this woman (who has a thing for him, so he told me) rec'd a cell phone call at 7:15 a.m. He used to call me like that real early. Of course, I immediately think it's him phoning her and it ruins half of my day (I mean, who else would be calling her at that time and why did she keep her phone on in a meeting where it's supposed to be turned off and why did she look all happy after she'd returned the phone call?) It's stuff like this that makes me think I'm going crazy. (Or, I could be right in which case he sure moved on fast and I'm REALLY miserable).

 

Well, thanks for reading.

[Goodfun88]

I'm pretty sure NC is meant for the dumpee, not the dumper, and that its usually up to the dumper to get into contact with the dumpee if they feel they want to talk or get back together, but the dumpee might not answer your calls, or refuse to see you, because he may have implimented NC.

[now_better]

NC works for everyone! it gives you a chance to remove yourself from a situation where you are clearly no longer functioning in an emotionally stable state and reset your mind. putting distance between you and your ex allows you to have a better perspective of the entire relationship. and everybody hurts... we're all human (haha, well not all of us, some people are cold-blooded). NC lets you heal too.

[notanymore]

my ex cheated on me, i called it off, that makes me the dumper.NC is not for the dumper or the dumpee it is for the person who has actually given heart and soul in a relationship, who values those precious moments together and still cherishes them, it is a means to forget these momemnts and convince oneself that they are not coming back again.It is difficult and one is bound to jump to conclusions,NC helps u become indifferent to all thats happenin , it helps u realise the real u,get a grip on yourself and start from the scratch, start loving urself.

 

take care

[laboheme]

You say that he was a lousy boyfriend and wasn't always honest with you...then why do you want him in your life? Time will bring somebody better...and the only way this guy will be in your life is as a memory. Don't let guilt get the best of you!

[JohnnyTable]

You say that he was a lousy boyfriend and wasn't always honest with you...then why do you want him in your life? Time will bring somebody better...and the only way this guy will be in your life is as a memory. Don't let guilt get the best of you!

 

I agree.

 

Use NC to heal. You dumped him for a reason and it doesn't sound like you have a good reason to go back.

[Anotherday]

Thanks everyone. It had been a week of NC and then he called me this a.m., supposedly for work reasons. Of course, he mentioned my letter and said it was nasty and inconsiderate. All I did was tell him I was giving up and that if he ever wanted to listen to me or care about my feelings, to let me know. I was a bit distressed, but I kept it in the "I feel this way" language.

 

He gets so angry at me these days. I was driving home from work tonight and thought...I'll just see if he wants to get together this weekend so I can have it out with him. Then I thought, NO. I had quit smoking for 5 days, then he cancelled on me (another cancel on a Saturday night), so I smoked for one week, and now I'm going on 5 days again. I cannot let this compromise my quit, so that means at least one month where NC would be a good idea.

 

I hate to admit it, but at my age I am afraid I think I am going to have to settle and that's why I put up with what I do. Of course, I could settle "again" and in ten more years kick myself for this. At any rate, I like this concept of NC and it does get easier over time. Today talking to him was not really fun or pleasant.

 

I so appreciate all of your thoughts.

[JohnnyTable]

I'm affraid that almost anything you say at this point will be taken in a way that you don't intend and that the ex may react angrily to it.

 

With past exes I have sent incredibly heartfelt letters only to have them rejected as "cold".

[Anotherday]

I'm affraid that almost anything you say at this point will be taken in a way that you don't intend and that the ex may react angrily to it.

 

With past exes I have sent incredibly heartfelt letters only to have them rejected as "cold".

 

Thanks, Johnny Table. I am afraid you are right.

 

I wonder why that happens. Do you have any thoughts? Seems to me like they just make up their minds and then no matter what is said, they only view it through that filter. Truly, I don't know of a way to change that, once it happens.

[JohnnyTable]

Thanks, Johnny Table. I am afraid you are right.

 

I wonder why that happens. Do you have any thoughts? Seems to me like they just make up their minds and then no matter what is said, they only view it through that filter. Truly, I don't know of a way to change that, once it happens.

 

I think it has something to do with how they were feeling. For example I could tell that my ex was mad at me because I went NC. So when I did respond to her, she took it as me being angry. If she had been happy at the time then perhaps she would not have read it this way.

 

And ya I was angry, but my words weren't showing it. She read a lot into what I said in a few sentences