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can it be that something was not damaged?


pacopaco
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hi all, below is my original link, if you'd like some background.

 

 

 

 

My ex-girl called me twice on Thursday. she left a message saying she missed me, and that she wated to see me. she then called back again while i was home saying the same thing. She asked to come over, and i said ok breaking the NC rule.

she came over, stayed over, yes it was sexual, but more importantly it felt like therapy talking to her. we both said things we needed to say to one another, and it was a good night. what frustrates me is that it feels like there is something between us that was not damaged, like something was kept safe from the general destruction she caused. I asked her why she broke our silence in sending me an email a few weeks ago, and she said again because she missed me, blablabla...

at the moment, i don't too much know what to write. emotions, emotions. is it possible that people can go through something terrible, and still keep something between the two that was left pure?

She came over last night too. i asked her to come this time. over the weekend i just had a death in my family, and i needed to talk. she came and held me, and listened to me. we had a good night. I don't understand. why don't i hate her? why don't i pick up the phone when she calls and just hang it up?

I asked her to define what we're doing. i need it defined so i know how to handle it. She says she doesn't want a relationship right now. she isn't emotionally ready, she says. that's ok with me, because neither am i. i then told her. "are you coming and calling me for sex? because if you are, at least make it clear." she said "no." "are you calling me for sex," she asked. I said "i don't call you. i called you tonight because you broke the silence, and i really needed to tell you about my cousin." i don't know ealone peeps. what say you? evenyone's telling me that we're soulmates, and that in time we'll be together again and all this other stuff. I feel it, too. is it a problem? no. is it boggling? hell yes!

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that's ok with me, because neither am i.

I don't buy that for a second. You very much sound like you want to be back in a relationship with her, so be honest with yourself and her. Just make sure to realize that this FWB will not lead back into a relationship and if you have feelings for her, you will be very much hurt when she finds some other guy who she does want a relationship with.

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I don't buy that for a second. You very much sound like you want to be back in a relationship with her, so be honest with yourself and her.

 

I was thinking the same thing. Are you really sure you don't want a relationship? I agree with Heloladies, FWB probably won't turn into a relationship so don't fall into that trap. Why buy the cow if she can have the milk for free?

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I say just be cautious.. Of course she misses you you guys were together 7+ years.. But was she there for you when you needed her?

 

My ex did me the same way.. She dogged me but eventually came around and e-mailed me and said she wanted to talk.. Talking led to sex and then us trying to reconcile what we had..

 

I was so eager to get back with her and jumped at the thought, never considering the long term damage that had been inflicted from her betraying our trust and bond. We quickly started having problems and it failed..

 

Look at it like a car that get into a accident you fix the bumper thinking that was it, but later discover the frame is damaged.. Get it!!

 

Now I am not saying this will happen to you.. Just be cautious.. I wish you the best of luck..

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I was thinking the same thing as everyone else here. I don't want a relationship with her. not now, maybe never. I am not emotionally ready for anything like that with anyone. the thing is i don't call her, I don't email. Where I feel that there was something not damaged between us, there still is much that was.

NC has proved to be a method that is not working. it works fine on my end, but she keeps coming back for something. So all I can do, i thin, is be polite and say i'm too busy to see her, even if it means i'm busy watching TV by myself.

She called last night and left a message saying that she got a voicemail from me (the only one i left last week after the first time i saw her) saying that she didn't know when i called, and that i can call her back. I didn't. she knew i called because i told her. whatever, I'm going to live my life, be myself, and keep not contacting her.

Personally, I think she's a mess now. after leaving me, she's back at home with mom, still. works 7 days a week for about 10 hours, and has gained a lot of weight. I couldn't be with anyone who didn't have time for me anyway. I think she's coming around for sex to make herself feel better.

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NC is working because now she is wondering what you are doing? Who you're doing it with? From what I have read of your posts you seem like a nice guy.. Believe me she knows it.. She maybe just wants to make sure that you really haven't went any where and you are at her disposal..

 

Believe me bro I have been there and I know the feeling.. It feels so good to have them chasing us.. The person you love is now coming after you.. Just hear me out BE CAUTIOUS!!

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NC has proved to be a method that is not working. it works fine on my end, but she keeps coming back for something. So all I can do, i thin, is be polite and say i'm too busy to see her, even if it means i'm busy watching TV by myself.

Nah, see it's your job to make her go NC too. That means to confront her every time she contacts you as to her true intentions. "What's your reason for contacting me?" is a great question to get everything out on the table. This other way is just stringing the situation out and making it harder for you to move on.

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you're right cheddaboy. I do need to be cautious. she did ask me if I had a girlfriend, and other things. I have to admit, it does feel kind of nice to have her coming after me. as an ego boost it's ok. if she's coming over for sex, that feels good too, she told me she missed it,but when i think about it, it would be so much nicer to have someone coming after me who never hurt me. it kind of spoils it, really. I think to myself "oh, it's you again."

Yeah, i think she's all messed up. sincerely. i'm going to keep doing what i'm doing. i'm not leading her on, because i don't call and email, but i need to move forward. what was our apartment is now my apartment. the emotional echoes are gone, she's gone, and i just recently started becoming comfortable there by myself. once again, cheddaboy, thanks for the advice, and i will be cautious. by the way, did you end up back with that girl? what happened?

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hello helloladies,

 

I've tried to get her to stop contacting me. the girl has proven relentless. i've asked her "why are you contacting me." The way i see it, I spent enough time thinking and wondering about her and what she does, but i have control over only me. I can to the NC, if she can't, all i can so is say "don't come over, i'm busy, i'll be stepping out, etc." a new method, i think is in order. NC barriers have not worked.

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She is probably used to you chasing her and now you're not and she wondering what the F*** is going on.. I mean when my ex was trying to get me back you name it she did it..She even wanted to fight the girl I was with.. She popped up at my house and left a bag of my old clothes that I left at her house to make it seem like I spent the night over her house.. She would call me crying at all ours of the night.. Popped up at my house and sat outside till I got back..

 

Now keep in mind that the initial break-up was because she felt I wasn't the man for her.. I'm in her words immature, self centered and a jerk.. All that went out the window when she wanted me!!!

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I've tried to get her to stop contacting me. the girl has proven relentless. i've asked her "why are you contacting me." The way i see it, I spent enough time thinking and wondering about her and what she does, but i have control over only me. I can to the NC, if she can't, all i can so is say "don't come over, i'm busy, i'll be stepping out, etc." a new method, i think is in order. NC barriers have not worked.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but you have not been doing NC. You don't have to get her to do NC...you just have to get yourself to ignore all of her attempts to contact you. If you do NC, it doesn't matter what your ex does, the point is to ignore it and not respond. She can't break NC...only you can do that...by responding to her attempts to contact you. No need to say "don't come over." Just don't take her calls, don't respond to her emails, don't respond to her contact in any way shape or form...that's really what NC is about...controlling what you do. It has nothing to do with her attempts at contacting you.

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I don't mean to sound harsh but you have not been doing NC. You don't have to get her to do NC...you just have to get yourself to ignore all of her attempts to contact you. If you do NC, it doesn't matter what your ex does, the point is to ignore it and not respond. She can't break NC...only you can do that...by responding to her attempts to contact you. No need to say "don't come over." Just don't take her calls, don't respond to her emails, don't respond to her contact in any way shape or form...that's really what NC is about...controlling what you do. It has nothing to do with her attempts at contacting you.

 

Especially if deep down in side you still secretly desire this person

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well, it's no secret. i do love her, but like Tina Turner says "what's love got to do with it." as i said before, this girl seems more messed up than before. Loving someone is a different thnkg than being with someone. Since she started that new job she works sometimes 7 days a week. I don't want that from someone. she told me her boss (the guy she slept with) just gave her more work to do. none of that is my problem, i understand that, and i'm just going to continue living my life. i've healed enough to where i know i don't need her. she said the same thing, even. I don't need her in my life. i've been doing so well. i'm meeting new people, i go to the gym everyday, and i've ben getting so much female attention that i feel attractive and desirable all on my own.

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