What would you do?

[Celadon]

Could use some opinions on a situation I'm in!

 

Basically, I have a friend who still feels bitter toward her ex, even though they broke up about three years ago. Lately, I've been hanging out with her ex (as a friend, and usually in a group). He's got a girlfriend anyway.

 

I don't know if I should (1) HIDE this fact from my friend; or (2) TELL her if she asks; or (3) TELL her even if she doesn't ask.

 

I want to be sensitive to her. I don't know how I'd feel if my friend were hanging out with my ex. It's not going to change what I do; I'll still hang out with him. I just have a hunch (and I could be totally wrong) that she might suspect anyway.

 

Thanks!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

If you think she might suspect then maybe you should consider bringing it up to her, but very delicately.

 

If you do, I recommend that you tell her if she doesn't like it you won't hang with him (even though you will). This way she feels that she is giving you her blessing to do so, rather feeling like you are disregarding her feelings.

[melrich]

Tell her. 3 years is way to long to be wallowing. Tell her to get over it.

[Kitz]

... how bitter?

 

I'd say tell her. I'm bitter towards my ex (we broke up 2 months ago, though), my best friend hangs out with him in like friend groups and she tells me stuff that he says and it just makes me realise that he's a tool. In the end, i'm glad she hangs around with him.

[Celadon]

Thanks for your replies, everyone.

 

How bitter is she? Oh, I don't know. She gets all worked up if she knows he MIGHT be at the same event as her. And she sometimes asks about him in a sorta gossippy way. I thought she was feeling better about things awhile ago, but recently she broke up with her current bf, so I think she's back to blaming her ex.

 

Part of me wants to avoid the whole conversation, because I just figure she "should" be over him, and thereforeeee my hanging out with him "shouldn't" be a big deal. I don't know if that's right, but that's how I feel!!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think it's pretty normal to occasionaly have an ex that one remains bitter towards for a long time. Sometimes people never forgive, or at least not enough to want their friends hanging out with the person that totally screwed them over or used them or whatever. I really don't see what's supposed to be so unusual about that. I know lots of healthy people that aren't nessecarily stewing over the past, but who I'm sure still have hard feelings about the way they were treated by a particular someone.

 

Just out of curiosity what did he do to her?

[Celadon]

teddybear, I do understand. You make a good point. When we risk being vulnerable with someone, and then that someone decides the relationship isn't what he/she wants ... well ... that's nothing short of devastating. Heck, I still have flashbacks to bad times with my ex, so I understand that even when we try to put it behind us, it can come back to haunt us.

 

I guess the reason I said "bitter" was that some people DO try to let go, and others seem to stew. My friend is someone who holds grudges and tries to get you to agree with her on how horrible someone is.

 

Anyway, before I get into more hot water talking about that ( I'll answer your question. Her ex basically didn't stand up for her when it came to his family. He was a mama's boy, and "mama" didn't particularly like my friend. Except for that one issue, my friend once admitted her ex was a good person. Personally, I don't think he's a saint, but he's been kind to me a few times, and I've appreciated that. No one's perfect, right?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, no one's perfect. I don't have a good grasp of what the dynamic is or was between the three of you. If you were all friends for a long time, then I can see where it would be hard for you to just dump him as a friend. Then on the other hand, if you only just started hanging with him, and she is a really good friend of yours, then yes, I think you owe her loyalty, even if you don't really see it. But most likely you guys situation is somewhere in the middle of the two. So I can understand your wondering where you should stand.

 

Are you thinking of maybe dating this guy sometime in the future? I would just offer a couple things to ponder. One is that often people can make great friends, but horrible boyfriends. Another is that being involved with a momma's boy is never a picnic.

[Celadon]

Thanks, teddybear. I appreciate your advice. I hadn't really thought about the dynamics, but yeah, maybe that's why things are confusing. Basically, I do know her from before. She's never been a superclose friend, but she's a friend. My hanging out with him is a recent thing because she doesn't hang out with "the group" anymore, and he does. I'd say my friendship level with both of them is about the same.

 

I don't know that I'd ever go out with him. It's a remote possibility, but only if he were able to treat me properly. (And of course if he were available.)

 

The other thing (just thinking out loud here) is that I don't want to tell her as though it's a big deal. You know, it would be awkward to say, "OK, Jane. Have a seat. I have to tell you something..." LOL. Well, maybe the opportunity will come up to tell her in a less ominous sounding way. I do think I'll tell her, though. Thanks again!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

The other thing (just thinking out loud here) is that I don't want to tell her as though it's a big deal. You know, it would be awkward to say, "OK, Jane. Have a seat. I have to tell you something..." LOL. Well, maybe the opportunity will come up to tell her in a less ominous sounding way. I do think I'll tell her, though. Thanks again!

 

Lol, yes I guess that does sound a little ominous..Good luck, at least you are being conciencios about it, so hopefully she will also be ok with it, who knows this might even be good for her to get over it a little more.