Need help- this is complicated!

[JustDontKnow]

Okay I've been with my Fiance' for about a year and a half now. At the beginning of our relationship he told me that he would quit smoking (because I told him I wouldnt date a smoker) and he would move to be with me (because we lived 3 hours apart). Well, none of those things came true.

 

We've been through alot together. First, his younger brother died in a car accident. I was there for him the whole time and he told me that it was then when he knew I was "THE ONE". Well, then I got pregnant unexpectedly. He proposed a while later and promised me it wasn't just because of the baby and that he really wanted to get married (and I believed him because he always talked about us getting married before he knew about the baby). He gave me a temporary engagement ring and said he would get me "the real thing" later (which was fine). Well, our baby boy was stillborn at about 33 weeks gest. and I am going through ALOT of emotional pain! I am heartbroken and he doesn't seem to really care anymore (at first he was very supportive) but now he doesn't ever comfort me anymore.

 

He always talks about getting a motorcycle and stuff....and I will say something like "Oh great, I'm never going to get my ring." And he says "You don't need a ring....you just want something pretty to look at." I don't know if he's just joking around or what. But it's NOT about the ring. It's about what he said....it seems like everything he says, he goes back on. I don't know if I can trust his word. I don't know if he really wants to get married. What if he did just propose because of the baby...maybe he felt trapped and that it was the right thing to do? He's a great guy. He makes me laugh and I know he loves and cares about me. What do you guys think???? PLEASE HELP

[Tigris]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

Your first priority is to get counselling. Maybe you both should go? Don't forget everyone deals differently with grief. He's probably still dealing with the death of his brother.

 

I suggest you think about your relationship after you've dealt with the death of your baby properly.

 

Good luck and take care.

[JustDontKnow]

Yeah okay, I understand and agree that I do maybe need to seek counseling....but I have dealt with the death of our baby, but NO I will never get over it and NO he will never get over the death of his brother either. But we need to be in this together....I need him to be there for me like I have been there for him.

 

Anyone else have any advice of thoughts? PLEASE

[hardcharger]

Okay I've been with my Fiance' for about a year and a half now.

Men are not always good at comforting and often woman think we just don't care and are not sensitive enough to things like death, that is one reason we are attracted to you, because in general woman are good at that and that makes for a stronger "partnership", each partner having specialties, like you having more compassion maybe.

 

As you say, he proprosed because you were pregnant. When I proposed, it was because i was moving and didn't want to go alone, so I said, well come along, and we'll get married later if it works out. It mostly did. I would put the marriage on the back burner for now, and push it forward maybe a year or two and see more of this guy.

[JustDontKnow]

Hardcharger I know that men deal with things differently...I completely understand that. I would just like him to acknowledge my feelings. I don't expect him to sit there and cry with me or anything...just hold me and tell me he loves me ya know? Which he does do sometimes...I'm just very emotional right now and admittedly a little insecure at the moment. So yeah, I'm not giving him enough credit here, he's a good guy and I know that he loves me. And I didn't say that he DID propose just because of the pregnancy because he tells me that he had been planning on the proposal for 3 months before he even knew about the baby. It's just something that crosses my mind sometimes...like What if that's why he did it?

 

 

mbinsf Thank you for the advice. We did have a talk last night (sometimes it's just hard to get up the nerves to sit down and say hey this needs to be said). But I asked him about what he wanted and I told him to be brutally honest if needed. He told me that he loves me with his whole heart and that he really wants me to be his wife. He said that he meant what he said when he asked me to marry him and it is what he wants! He knows I'm very emotional right now and he said the reason he doesnt come and talk to me or comfort me when I'm mad/upset is because he thinks I can handle it on my own and that in time I will come to him when I'm ready (which is true). I apologized for being sucha nutcase...

 

And about the smoking issue. I have never been a smoker so I don't understand the addiction thing but I do realize that it is very hard. He did quit for a while when we first started dating...but once his brother died, he picked it back up again and I let it go because I knew he kinda needed that. Anyway, I know that he does want to quit....and that it is just hard to. But one of the big reasons my ex-bf and I broke up was because of the smoking issue and him lieing to me about it. So I think I have been pretty understanding with my fiance' about it for this long. I just think it is time for it to go....and he agrees! We talked about that last night too. Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone.

[JustDontKnow]

Smoking- He started smoking again when his brother died because he wasnt quitting for himself before. To make it successful, it needs to be for you. Trust me on this one...been through it. Shortly after I quit, my father was diagnosed with late stage colon cancer. I thought for 2 seconds about smoking again and then said no way. I realized there was no real reason for it.

 

I hope he comes to the conclusion himself, because he will feel great if he does it!

 

 

Congrats...thats awesome that you quit and stayed away!!! I know he needs to do it for himself when he wants to....I have told him that too! And he does want to quit.