I want her back, but only if she wants it too...

[waitinvain]

Hello everyone,

 

Basically I had been going out with this girl for a while and things were great. About a month ago she said that she loved me always and never wanted to be apart. A couple of weeks ago she went into deep thought about how quick she was getting involved and felt we were rushing things. She had been in a previous relationship which had not ended that long before we started seeing each other and the hurt was still fresh ( it was a bad relationship and her partner was not trustworthy - it had lasted 3 years ).

 

The thinking a couple of weeks ago caused some friction and I said a few things that were a bit thoughtless which I should not have said. She asked for space but I made the mistake of taking flowers over to see her because I was missing her. I went over a couple of days later to patch things up but she said it was all too much and that she was sorry.

 

I then compounded the problem by trying to keep contacting her and sending her messages etc. The day after we split up she said she still loved me and that she still had feelings for me but the hurt was still too fresh and she could not see any light at the end of the tunnel, and that she was sorry, but if she could find the strength she would try and give us another go. She said I chopped and changed too much. Basically I had asked her to come on holiday but she was unsure so I said I would go away with my friend, then I asked her to come away again. I think that just confused her even more ( this was a few days before she ended it ). She said she would think on it at that point but needed time ( it being our relationship ). I have probably also said a couple of other things and subsequently changed my mind as well but I didn't do it intentionally to confuse or upset her.

 

After that I tried my best to give her space, and I was receiving the odd message up until the weekend. On sunday I received a message saying "you're obviously busy, I'll leave you alone. Bye". I was trying to give her space yet she was narked when I wasn't replying straight away, which confused me even more. .

 

I then asked what was wrong etc. I spoke to her about general stuff and she said "It's not gonna happen is it? " And I said "what?" she said "us". I said "Why not?" She said "I just have a feeling. We argue too easily and we are too similar"

 

Well that really upset me because I was trying to give her space at that time to heal and it set me off. I then made too much contact with her on Monday/Tuesday this week and made things worse. She has subsequently said it is all too much and she has been at her wits end, so sorry it's over.

 

I last contacted her at 11am yesterday ( wednesday ) and haven't since. I haven't heard from her.

 

I do really love her but the more I try, the worse it has gotten. She said she would have liked to have gone for a drink until the past couple of days, but now she doesn't want to because she doesn't know how I will be ( apparently )?

 

I know I have made the classic mistakes in trying to get her back, but it was because I was missing her so much and wanted to be with her.

 

I don't think I have done a great deal wrong in this relationship and she has backed out of it when she realised she was getting committed/in a relationship again at the first point she was reminded of the scars/hurt from the last one ( I could be wrong , but that's what I think ). She is also resentful of a few unkind things I have said, which I did not mean and were said when I was upset. I would forgive her of any hurtful thing she said to me if I knew she did not ultimately mean it, but she is finding /found it hard to forgive me.

 

I have said I'm there for her if she needs me , and if she changes her mind then get in touch.

 

Is there anything more I can do or should I just leave it now and trust in fate?

 

Thanks everyone. I have had a nightmare 10 days or so. Not been able to sleep, felt sick, had dreams about her which have woken me up. Even last night I was woken at 5am by a dream about her.

 

10 days ago she said she did still love me and had feelings for me, but the other day she said her heart is not in now, not the way she is feeling. She has said it's over and it's all too much.

 

As I say it was only the last couple of weeks before we split that things never went so well. I said a few things I should have but she wouldn't forgive me and I couldn't get through to her. She has remembered any bad things I have said and finding it / found it hard to forgive me for saying them. Saying I shouldnt' say things if I don't mean them and that I shouldn't chop and change. She said I can't be nice one minute and then lovey dovey the next, but I don't think I've been that way. All I've tried to do is sort things out.

 

On Monday I said that if I wasn't enough for her, and that if she didn't want to be with me, then I would have to accept it and move on. I said that she would always be in my heart. She then basically said "Ok that's my mind made up then. You made the ending speech, so you stick with it and lie in the bed that you have made for yourself". I couldn't believe she gave up on us/me so easily and I was disappointed !

 

Do you think that it is the last relationship re: the hurt being reminded of it that has partially caused her to be this way?

 

Should I just trust in time now and leave her completely alone? I think that is probably the answer but it is so hard. I feel like driving over and turning up on the doorstep to see her and try to put things right, but there is no point unless she is willing.

 

I think that not contacting her now is the only answer, and if it is meant to be she will get in touch with me. I can't see what else I can do and I can't force her to want to be with me or love me...

 

She said she is not looking for anyone else right now if that's what I'm thinking. Just to make new friends. Should I contact her ever again? When I was speaking to her on Tuesday I was making general chat and then went into the emotional stuff, then she said, "Please stop. Don't ruin our friendship too"

 

So clearly her mind had moved to a new level there from lover to friend. Despite that I'm not going to contact her purporting to be her friend because that would not be enough. Not for me.

 

Has anybody got any thoughts/advice? Thanks so much.

[WorkingThruIt]

Sorry to hear about your troubles and that you are feeling so down about things. I understand that your gf has been having second thoughts, and feeling confused, which has in turned caused confusion for yourself, and obvious friction in the relationship.

 

One thing I have learned in my relationship, is the difference between myself, which I think relate to men, and my wife, relating to women. I have found that when my wife communicates a problem or issue she is struggling with, like maybe a bad day at work, I immediately want to solve the problem for her. I think most men are that way, and we look at things from a logical point of view immediately, and emotional secondary. My wife, (women) are usually looking more for emotional support. Empathy, understanding and sensitivity to the issue they are communication.

 

The only reason I say this is because you posted that she started to talk to you about still feeling hurt and confused because of the freshness of her last break up. You, immediately looked for a solution for her, and I think she was more looking for your support of her trying to reach her own decission. After that, the communication between the two of you created further confusion, and possibly more hurt over misunderstanding, and increased the tension.

 

I think the way you said you left it was the best idea, and that for now you need to allow her some space to figure things out for herself, as long as she knows that you are their if and when she wants/needs you. I know that is not easy, not only because you miss her, but it sounds like a big part of you is concerned about her being upset and frustrated, and you want to help her with that out of your love and concern. Unfortunately, I think that it boils down to the fact that you are too close to her in the feelings she is struggling with to help her directly. Does that make sense to you? I know it does in my head but it may not here on the screen...

 

Give her the space, let her work things out, and she will realize what it is that she wants, and she will let you know when the time is right. I can not say that for sure that her decission will be to come back to you, but if she does then that is what is best for you, even though that is not what you want to hear. But would you want to be with someone who can not devote themselves to you as you devote yourself to them? We all deserve more than that.

 

I hope things work out for you soon, and I hope I maybe helped a little more than I confused you. Take care of yourself....

[punkern8]

Well...i can understand where you're coming from with this one. It sounds like there's an extreme emotional attachment between you two and it's hard to work out. I've been "attempting" to make things right with a particular girl for the past 6 months. In a way, I can understand where your girl is coming from. One day I'll be head over heels for this girl, then the next I'll think about the way it's been and be completely sour about it. Whever I look at this girl, I melt because she's so wonderful...the reason I get sour is because I think of all the stuff she has done to me that just hurts. I'm wondering if maybe for some reason your girl feels the same way and that's why she's been so bipolar in her interest in you. Maybe she's been bothered by something about your character or just something that you've done and she gets upset about it....but then when she sees you, or hears your voice or something of the sort, she forgets all the bad. I know that's exactly how I've felt lately. Also...time is obviously the best medicine. Everyone know time is the best answer and the best way to clear your head when things aren't looking up. But when you're at the state that you and I are at....in which we care so much about an individual and it seems there's nothing we can do to make it right...time is the hardest thing to give up because we miss that person soooo much. It sucks. I've been in a relationship where I've been more solid that I've ever been and it happened in 3 months...then things went bad and because I didn't talk to her for 2 months, I had time to realize that things just couldn't work out and the decision was a good one. Time sucks....but it works. Don't really know what else to say....? Best of luck to you with the whole situation.

[waitinvain]

What I found hardest to understand is how quickly she made the request for space, as the Saturday prior to the breakup we had a silly argument. On Sunday she said she felt down about it but on the Monday we went out and had a great night with no cross words.. Everything was fine!.

 

On Wednesday I made the mistake of saying "Are you a bit different with me or am I being silly?". Well war and peace broke out then about how she was p*ssed off with it all and why can't things just be normal and seize the day instead of the pressure planning for the future etc. I thought this was OTT as although we had talked about the future all I wanted to do was go on holiday with her. A few exchanges later and she asked for space over the weekend.

 

I went over with flowers on the friday and she wouldn't come out of her front door to see me, which is when I was upset and felt rejected so I said a few thoughtless things, but surely most people would forgive in that situation and understand it was just because I was upset and angry at the time because I felt rejected.

 

That was the Friday. On the Sunday was when she invited me to talk and said the hurt was too fresh and it was too much, and that she didn't know me anymore and that I'd made her feel like a bad person.

 

I couldn't believe I had upset her so much. As I left that night she said the words "I'm sorry" with tears in her eyes. It was awful.

 

All I want to do is see her, sort things out and make her happy but somehow I don't think it's going to happen.

 

She is the one, or could be, but I can't break through. I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation that I've just made worse.

 

I wish I could get through to her how much I love her and how we could make things work if she wanted it.

 

Now it's like she doesn't trust how I'm going to be, almost like I'm the big bad wolf one minute and happy, chatty me the next.

 

All I've done is make the mistake of saying a few thoughtless things and changing my mind a couple of times, but she just doesn't seem ready or prepared to forgive. She's protecting herself from hurt and closed herself off from me imo.

 

*sigh*

[waitinvain]

You're right, time is the hardest thing to give up which is why I made it worse going over on the Friday with flowers when she needed space.

 

Here was I thinking "I can sort this out and we can still go out on Saturday like we always do. I'll see her for a few minutes and apologise"

 

Whereas she was probably thinking "I don't want to see him and I need space over the weekend"

 

So then obviously she freaked out when I turned up unannounced on the Friday, and that's why she wouldn't come out of the front door. At the time my emotions were running high and all I could see was rejection after driving 30 miles to see her so I lost it and said some stupid things which I am regretful of now in the cold light of day.

 

So I was in the wrong going to see her. I said she didn't appreciate me as a result, which was wrong of me to do because she needed the space and I saw it from my point of view. A mistake.

 

I should have respected her need for space, but I didn't realise that I'd upset her that much. I felt like it was OTT in the circumstances because I didn't realise how much she was hurting. It's just that I really wanted to see her that weekend and I didn't feel like it was all necessary not to see her, but I can see now that it *was* from her point of view and I just made things worse. Typical bloke !

 

And maybe some of that was because it reminded her of the hurt from the past relationship? I don't know......

 

Sorry I'm rambling a bit

 

The thing that frustrates me almost as much as not seeing her and not giving us another chance, is that if I had known HOW BAD she was still feeling re: the hurt from the last relationship I would have been a lot more careful with things I was saying and respected her need for space without questioning it.

 

I just didnt' realise she was hurting so badly until it was too late, and then at that point she had made the decision to cut me off.

 

I have realised too late what I could have done to be there for her and supportive of her. I could have helped with the healing and helped her over it, but instead what has happened is that she has cut me off so she can heal and move on.

 

How awful that I have realised that when I'm powerless to do anything about it.

 

he whole contact issue.

 

Is is absolutely the right thing not to make contact with her now.

 

Should I trust that if she doesn't contact me it's time to move on. How long after not hearing from her should I completely write things off? A week, 2 weeks, a month? Or should I write it all off now and then anything else that happens is a bonus....

 

I think I know in my heart this is true.

And from that saying the other day "We pursue that which rejects us"

It's true. It's so true. The more I am ignored, the greater the compulsion to make contact is , or try to explain myself differently to convince. But I know this is the wrong thing to do.

 

I guess i have to concentrate on living now as if she doesn't exist?

What about things like her birthday etc. Should I even make contact then when she has said it's over. I don't know, it's just such a hard thing to do but it's probably the right thing to do.

 

God give me strength not to communicate

[waitinvain]

Hi folks,

 

Well since she said it was over on Tuesday night, i haven't heard from her since Wednesday morning. She said it was all too much etc etc.

 

Anyway so I haven't contacted her since Wednesday morning which was when she contacted me ( and said something sarcastic.....which wasn't good ). Anyway.... I have decided that I will give her time and space, then in 2 weeks ( so on 22nd August ) I am going to make one last attempt at getting back together with her by sending her a hand-written letter. I will post it below. Please feel free to suggest what I should/add remove and whether it is a good idea, or whether I should try another method. This is my last attempt to get the person I truly love back folks, so your help is appreciated. Thanks and I'm hoping for the best. Letter as follows : -

 

"Dear [her name]

 

I hope you are well and things are good. I also hope you are feeling

somewhat better after having some time and space to think.

 

I am truly sorry for any hurt I've caused you and I've realised I was in the

wrong. I just want you to know that I care for you and I am here for you if

you need me. If you would like to meet and go for a drink sometime I would like that very much. If you would like to see me, get in touch.

 

Hope to hear from you soon,

 

Love,

 

[my name ] xxx

 

 

All suggestions/thoughts welcome. Am I leaving it too long/not long enough waiting 2 weeks? Am I doing the right thing sending a letter? Is the content of the letter OK or is it too short and sweet? Am I right never to contact her again if she doesn't respond.

 

Thanks.

[waitinvain]

Well folks,

 

Yesterday she told me she loves me as a friend. That she loves me but is not *in* love with me as a partner anymore.

 

She said she didn't want to lose our friendship and asked me to stay in touch.

 

She said she is not ready for another relationship right now and that I should move on. She also said that she sees 'no way through' for us so I shouldn't wait for her.

 

So I guess that's it. I have to call it a day here or risk damaging myself severely.

 

I said that if we haven't moved on in the future and she changes her mind then I will be there for her in the context of being more than a friend. She replied:

 

"

If our paths cross again in the future then we'll cross that bridge when

we come to it but for now, I'm glad of your friendship.

"

 

It's a lost cause and it's a sad day, but one day she may regret her decision.

 

Who knows.

 

Thanks for reading.

[waitinvain]

Well folks,

 

This is the first day I've felt great since the split. She is still in touch with me as a 'friend' but I'm not hoping anymore. I've stopped marrying hope.

 

Letting go as much as possible is the key to going forward. The pain has stopped to a large degree. The world is a big place and there are a lot of people out there.

 

Sure, it would be great to be back with her but if it doesn't happen then life goes on. I'm concentrating on being happy with myself and the rest will follow.

 

One thing I'm not doing anymore is living in hope of reconciliation. It's not easy but it's the only way.

 

Hanging around indefinitely is the road to emotional ruin!

 

"It's A Wonderful Life" - I intend to live mine. To everybody else going through the same, if you're feeling knocked down just get back up again and stay true to yourself.

[waitinvain]

Hi folks,

 

Today she blocked my e-mail address so anything I send automatically gets rejected. I have finally given in now as I was flogging a dead horse.

 

Yesterday I posted a letter before she did the above, but that is it now. It has taken me a long time but I'm finally moving on.

 

If I can pass any advice on to anyone that get dumped in future it is this:

 

1) If you get dumped, then tell them your feelings once and once only. After that don't attempt to contact them and move on straight away. Pursuing them will just make them resent you because they feel guilty for what they have done. Also lack of space and distance will not allow them to truly appreciate what it is like to be without you. If you chase them you will seem needy, desperate and unattractive. EXACTLY WHAT YOU DONT WHAT.

 

For the rest of my days I will not pursue somebody that dumps me again. Why should you? You are not the one rejecting that person, they are rejecting you. It is up to them to try to reconcile with you, not the other way around.

 

If you don't contact them you will become mysterious and they will think they may have made a mistake. curiosity will get the better of them if they realise this and that they love you. You will soon know if they want you or not.

 

Either way pursuing them will not give you the answer you are looking for. You only want to be with somebody who wants you too. You will never find that out while you are chasing them.

 

Be strong, get out and genuinely enjoy life. Get out with friends and move on. Accept that chapter is over. They may come back to you again, but don't live your life thinking they will. I have just wasted 4 weeks clinging onto hope and I didn't properly realise all of this until yesterday.

 

Only by standing on your own two feet will they find you desirable again. They may never want you again. Accept it as it's part of life.

 

Relationships are a learning curve & it's not nice being dumped but you always learn something from your experience. The trick is to make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes twice. It's really hard but you won't win them back by pursuing them.

 

Once you have moved on, and they don't hear from you anymore, that is the point they will realise whether they want you or not. They will be shocked you are no longer trying to chase after them. DONT GIVE IN to your weaknesses. After a few days you will long to try and get in touch, maybe even a simple text. Resist it. Wait for them to contact you.

 

I hope this advice has helped somebody. Go against your natural urges to pour out your feelings and convince them to reconcile with you. It will not work !

 

Also , if they want friendship, only accept it if you can genuinely cope with only ever being their friend. If you accept friendship and still love them, you will keep holding on to the possibility that you may get back with them. It depends how strong emotionally you are as to whether you can cope with that. Could you cope with them meeting a new man/woman, or being chatted up when you're out with them etc. I couldn't so I rejected friendship. I went out with her so I could be with her and give her 100% of myself, not so I could have a chat and talk about everyday life. Of course, I loved that too, but I also wanted intimacy. When your feelings are so strong, friendship is not enough. If anything it's a tease that prevents you from moving on. A clean break is better imo but each person has to make their own decision and it depends on what terms the friendship is established. If your feelings have mutually died, then a friendship can work. Otherwise I don't see how it can............

 

 

All the best.

[waitinvain]

Hi All,

 

On sunday my ex told me to completely leave her alone, so I have ....

 

Since then I've received 2 e-mails and a text message. None of which particularly pleasant but she's still contacting me.

 

What does she want from me?

 

I gave her every opportunity to get back with me and I was myself with her. I foolishly put my feelings on the line, but hey I can hold my head high and say I was totally straight and genuine. So she doesn't want me, but she's trying to make me jealous by mentioning some other guy she's seen as a friend and "it was fun". I'm not rising to the bait this time.

 

What on earth is she playing at?

 

I asked her to come for drinks the other week but she said "no" because she didn't know how I'd be with her emotionally and she couldn't deal with that. I later said friendship won't work at this stage because of my feelings for her. She then replied saying that if I did not want friendship she definitely wouldn't be coming out on my birthday, but she'd already said a few days before that she wouldn't come anyway so I don't see why she said that.

 

Any thoughts anyone??

[waitinvain]

I've finally accepted it folks. You can't force love and if you have to force it, then it's not worth it. I get a message from her most days but my days of clinging on are gone ! I have done well - I've gone from being a pathetic wreck to not initiating any communication. For a while I was worried about her meeting other guys , but now it doesn't bother me. The test of comparisons when meeting someone new is often a turning point in them making a decision either way. You should not fear a rival, in any sense of the word. If it's meant to be it comes back, but in the meantime you must move on.

 

If I do get dumped again, I'm walking out the door and I'm not even looking back. It is now my number one rule !

 

Anyway this article really helped me with my mind as I was pretty hopeless for a month.

 

This article is quality. I urge you to read it: -

 

link removed

 

All the best.