I just don't care anymore!

[LonelyGirl]

(LONG!!! Sorry!)

I've had it. This is it. I don't care. I've posted my problems here before. My bf is not to be trusted. He cheated on me in the winter (around Thanksgiving) and then tried to blame me for it. He gets angry when I bring it up now and tells me I'm the one who needs to deal and that it's my fault I feel the way I do. I'm not perfect either but I know that I wouldn't say such things especially if I did something wrong.

 

He was away recently for 4 nights. 2 of those nights were pretty much unaccounted for and some strange number came up both in the morning after he came back (and conveniently after I left for work) and that afternoon when he just so happened to leave for work before I got home. Yes, I admit I pried. But not without good reason. The last night he had spent out (the last of the 4) he refused to leave me a number or let me know what the name of the hotel he would be staying at was. Sure after the fact he was all informative. But who cares? I had no clue where he was and still don't even think he was where he said he was. He didn't answer my question. Instead of simply telling me that "yes i'll call you and let you know where I'm staying and how to reach me" he says "You're being suspicious". WHO CARES!? Even if I was there's no reason he couldn't just give me the info anyways? Most normal couples that live together probably are courteous enough to do so. Am I right? Or am I just totally crazy? Because that's really how I'm beginning to feel.

 

We live together and I swear....If we didn't I then I definitely would have either broken up with him this past winter or at least started seeing other people. BUT since I do love him and we do live together I made that extra effort. I figured things could have been worse and sometimes people have to work at love. Well, dammit I'm working my ass off and my heart hurts. I know I'm not perfect and I'll be the first to admit this. I've made my share of mistakes and he knows it. However, I just wish I knew what the story was right now. He will never tell me the truth. I tell him all the time to let me know if he wants to see someone else or whatever. But he lied up till the truth was right in my red hot hands the last time and so that makes everything even more difficult.

 

He's not capable of much emotion. We have sex once to two times a month if I'm lucky. He asks about what time I'll be going to work or coming home constantly. You'd think that after over 4 years of being together he'd know this by now? Or is he just planning things? I don't know. I want to be with him all the time (only God knows why...) and sometimes if I express this he's like "oh and we'll only have the rest of our lives together"...It's like "GEE THANKS". I thought loving couples wanted to be together. At first he got upset that I didn't think that way. He got upset when I didn't say "I love you" when he said it. Now I feel that all that was a sign. I should have backed away. Now I'm in too deep. He's made my heart hurt and I don't know what to do.

 

We live together dammit. I wish I lived by myself so that maybe this whole process would be easier or maybe I wouldn't even be at this point. But the worst part about it is that I love him. It hurts so much when I think about breaking up. I get that sick, nervous feeling in my stomach. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, can't do much of anything. It affects me at home, at work, out with friends/family, etc. I HATE IT! I've thought about killing myself but won't do it. I'm too weak. I've thought about just dating someone else behind his back but can't bring myself to do it. People tell me to leave. That's easier said than done.

[Gilgamesh]

It is easier said than done, yes, but there IS something very wrong here, from the few statments you have made, id have to say that your man, is not dedicating himself to you or the relationship like a man in love.

 

Just the fact that he cheated on you, should be enough, to prove to you that this is true, can you trust him? id say no, is he capable of doing this again? yes, does he show any remorse for what he has done? No, he blames it on you, A person that doesnt take responsability IS irresponsable.

 

Yes you ARE in love with this man, but what your really in love with is a dream!, the dream of the man you wish he was, the dream of the man you thought he was, that man, doesnt exist, he never did, the mask has been removed and his true identity has been exposed.

 

Dont fall in the trap of making excuses for him, or blaming yourself, dont reley on anyone to make you happy but yourself. a spouse should compliment your life not BE your life. you are responsable for only 50% of a relationship, you did your part, he has failed.

 

My suggestion, leave him, stay alone for awhile, heal, find out who you really are, then date again when your ready , that would be when your happy alone, and you "Want" not "need" a companion in your life.

 

By the way, when and if you leave this man, he will ask you back, and he will become that "image" of the man of your dreams, will you be fooled? again? I hope not.

 

You have the right to be happy, and treated right, you WILL find a man that appreciates your love, there are so many that would be proud to have you as a mate. and would go to all ends to treat you with love, affection and respect.

 

good luck

[dealwithit883]

HOney, if your are not happy leave.You are putting way too much emphasis on "living together" Ok you all live together...are there a any other binds attached...such as a marriage or children. If not...then you there is no reason why you should be depriving yourself of happiness. life is too short. it doesn't sound like he's ready to be committed to anyone or anything. I hope this helps!Good luck hon!