Is it okay to talk to an ex about...

[enivel]

Is it okay to talk to an ex later on about why things didnt' work?

 

I don't mean this in a way that is bad at all, or would make the person defensive. But after you get out of a relationship you tend to get a better perspective, and some of the things that were confusing to both people might make more sense. I guess I just see things differently now, as two people who tried but weren't compatible, rather than two people who failed and didn't care for each other.

 

After a few months, when things settle down, I'd like to maybe just chat with her and tell her that I think she's a good girl and go over a few things that are clearer now, things about our way of perceiving things and communicating that made us think we were treated unfairly. It's important for me to know that we have at least learned something. I hate feeling like we are both mad at each other when I know now we were just too different but we tried. I know she won't think of this on her own because that's the way she is.

 

Of course if I did this, I would be so very carefull to make sure she knows I'm not attacking her or trying to open old wounds. I'm trying to heal wounds with understanding. We are both very mature, if we were not I would not consider it.

[aymee_lee]

Interesting question.

 

I guess it really depends on the individuals involved. In some of my past relationships, I have felt that no amount of talking after the breakup would really have solved anything (maybe it had all been said before), but in others in think that it would have been helpful to have that conversation.

 

I agree with your idea (even though you were relating it directly to your own relationship, I think it can also be generalised) that not everyone is compatible. It doesn't mean that either person is a 'bad' person, but obviously, not everyone suits everyone, otherwise things would be a lot simpler!

 

I think if she is open to having the discussion, then go for it. But if it's not something she would be receptive to, then it's probably best not to push it, as you don't want to hurt her if she is already feeling negative about the ending of the relationship.

 

Hope that helps

[usababe]

I would love if I could have that conversation with my ex. At least then I would be clear about what went wrong between us and maybe I could move on.

[bobo85]

Bottom line is that you guys were not right for each other. If you guys were then you guys would still be together right? But if you seriously wanted to get down to the facts then yes i would ask the ex. There are so many reasons/factors that causes a breakup that you shouldn't be surprised if there are a lot.

[crvers]

Personally, I believe to get complete closure over the entire relationship this conversation is required. But in most cases it will either never happen or it will be many years forthcoming.

 

Being able to talk about the mistakes from both sides, where each person felt things went bad, and taking the blame away from one party can be quite therapeutic when its done is an unbiased and unconfrontational way. But in most cases the dumper, or dumpee reversal, feel they have to be defensive based on what the reaction of the other was. thereforeeee in my experience couples who have broken up don't ever attempt this conversation until years later when they are both happy, moved on, and in other relationships since the new information isn't really relevant in eithers lives.

 

 

Personally would love to have this conversation with the ex, but ultimately know she'd never be willing to participate. In the end the only way to move on is finding the truths about what happened through thought and personal discovery. Find the mistakes you made, learn from them, and grow. Thats all you can ask of yourself.

[Silentlyfor]

It didn't help me. My ex didn't give me a clear reason why when I aske her(thought I suspect she did the whole thing too hastily... I don't think she wanted to). Now my ex shocked me with her insanity. Her BROTHER told me she was sane.

 

Any going back the original topic, I don't think it would help. My ex * * * *ed me over then didn't tell me why. I wouldn't expect any other experience would be that helpful.