NC may get your ex back, but is it worth it?

[drum4god]

I am starting to think its not. I started dating my girlfriend in November. I fell in love with her, because I longed for her for about 2 years. Things were pretty good in the beggining, but I moved too fast. She broke up with me a week after New Years telling me she didn't feel the same way. It hurt like hell, but I handled like a man. I didn't call her or e-mail her once. The only thing I did was wave to her and her Mom at church.

8 weeks later she e-mails me telling me she had time to pray and reflect on the situation, and wanted to talk it out.

2 weeks later we meet for coffee, and she tells me, she missed me, and has feelings for me. We get back together, and things start out great.

A few months later I tell her I love her, she tells me she loves me also. Things get even better. She is kind and warm, and gave me one of the best birthday weekends (it falls on Memorial day) ever. Things could not have been better.

A few weeks ago, we hang out, and she starts opening up to me about things in her childsome things. This was a breakthough because she is very closed. Anyway, after she opened up to me, she cries in my arms, and hugs me like I am the last man on earth. Though I was hurting for her, it was an awsome feeling to know she trusted me.

We went into her house, and we talked more, and then she tells me, "She loves me, but is not in love with me" (you can read the thread somewhere on here). It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't see it coming.

I then ask her, why did you call me back, she tells me "The thought of you with another woman drove me nuts, and I wanted to snatch you up before someone else" Those were her exact words. I wish I would have questioned her on it, but I was so in shock on what she told me about not being in love. I asked her what did she want. She tells me she stills wants a committed relationship, because she can see herself falling in love with me.

 

Its been 3 weeks since that day, and things are still shaky. I mean we have fun, but I feel like a dope. My pastor talked to me and her separately, and though he didn't divulge what they talked about, he told me that she got scared and just wants to know me better. So I am going to try and be patient, but its hard.

She had a death in the family this week, and had to fly to Puerto Rico. I drove her and mother to the airport. She was really gratefull, and her Mom even cried to tell me how kind I was. But here is the thing I noticed. She was grateful and I am taking that like it was the best thing in the world.

You notice how when we don't get anything from the one's we love, the little crumbs seem like a 5 course meal.

She calls me yesterday, and I was trying to comfort her. I tell her I love her, and she tells me thanks! I did this before and she said the same thing. I don't know why I torture myself with this, but I do.

I still don't know what to do. Its strange, as much as I love her, I felt more at peace after the breakup. I mean as least I knew where I stood.

But now getting a taste of her love, and seeing how good it was, its not as easy to break away. I mean what happened. How does a girl love you, then take it back. I still don't know what is going on.

I was convinced she was in love with me, but maybe it was an act. I don't know, or maybe I am naive. I don't know.

 

So what is my point of all of this. NC works, in fact it works like a charm, and will significantly increase your chances to get your ex-back. But, if they do come back. Proceed with extreme caution. Because the pain the 2nd time is worse, and I'm still with her. The thing is they will say and do things they didn't do the first time around, and will have you thinking. Wow! They changed! They realized what they lost, and now they changed. Don't fall for it, they change just to get what they want. As soon as they know they have you, they revert back to themselves. But now its worse, because they know they gave you a little taste of their love, and that will keep you around.

 

I am sure there are cases when the ex comes back and it works out, but I don't know. I have been in love with 2 woman in my 37 years on this crazy planet, and both have broke up with and came back, only to break my heart worse the 2nd time. I would love to blame them, but I am the idiot that goes back.

 

So for all those who want their ex backs, don't bother. Even if they come back the odds are against you. They really are. I am still hopeful with my relationship, but thats because I am too in love to see what really is happening. If someone was in my shoes, I would tell them move on.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Relationships are hard. It sounds like she loves you, but is scared. But feelings can change. The only way you'll know what happens it to take the risk and find out.

[Orlander]

Wow, man. I empathize with you. I had a roughly similiar situation. I got out though, after 6 months of being led on to believe there was a future. I got outta there because I know there is someone out there who will get to know me and have NO reservations or questions about wanting to love me and be with me.

 

You have to look this woman in the eyes and tell her you deserve better. MUCH BETTER!!!! Maybe you should consider getting out there and letting one of those other woman "snatch you up"

 

 

Orlander

[rnorth]

drum,

 

This sounds very familiar. I also am dealing with a woman who is very closed (uses work to escape having to deal with her emotions). I can completely empathize with you telling her that you love her and her responding "thanks". She is guarded and distant because she is dealing with too many overwhelming emotions so she escapes through detachment. It shall pass, but it stinks in the meantime.

 

I wish that I could offer some suggestions for you that I know would work. I guess just be patient; let her get through this and don't push her. Even back off a bit to take care of yourself. Take control of your own life. I hate to get into the old "game playing" thing, so I would suggest that you make your actions towards her be authentic and not to try and get a reaction that will please you. I say this because your situation just sounds familiar and I have done so in the past.

 

I appreciate your candor by saying how just a little bit of appreciation from her makes your whole day. I know the feeling!!!!

[blindreepr]

I know that NC is to improve myself, to make myself strong, a better person and what not, but I can't help but get listen to that little tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me that I am doing this to get her back.

 

I wish I could shut it up, I really do, but its hard. I have been improving myself, even before I went NC, my ex had started to take notice of it. She was impressed. The reason I went NC was because even though things seemed to be getting better between us, and she seemed to be missing me, I was completely focused on her. I was improving myself at the same time, but I couldnt stop thinking about her, waiting for her call, etc. Even though I let her initiate all the contact, I was still hung up on her.

 

I know I will become a better person through NC, I just wish I could shut up that tiny voice in my head that wants me to do this to get her back.

[brando]

it takes time to quiet that voice in your head, but it can be done. A great book i can reccomend is Feel the Fear and Do It ANyway...which talks about that voice in your head, (self talk). The author provides many ways to silence the negative, and reinforce it with positive. Also positive affirmations are very helpful.